Catch-Up Time

sooo let's see... oh yeah
I'm married :)
The ceremony was really nice, even though i punked out and cried... I had talked a lot of shit too about how i wasn't gonna cry... but i mean i cry at anything so this wasn't a real surprise. There's a lot i could say about the ceremony, but i think i wanna leave that between me and him. It was lots of fun though.

We also did pretty well in Vegas... Casino War is my SHIT! That and BlackJack... I need to go to Vegas with some real money and see how good i really am. Either way a $500 profit is nothing to be mad about.

I'm a little pissed because i *should* be working right now, lawd knows i need the money. But I'm sitting here waiting for them to call me... BASTARDS.

That's about it for now... I'll try to update more over the course of the week

So Much to Say...

I don't even know where to begin but this entry will be filled with random rantings in no particular order... you have been warned

1. My nephew arrived in DC on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Now *that* is something to be thankful for

2. FINALSFINALSFINALSFINALSFINALS... finals are upon me and i am officially caught up in the madness... but in a good way. I realize that i will need to do things VERY differently next semester, but for now i'm just pushing thru the end of this one

3. I get married in 2.5 weeks. I can't even put into words how happy that makes me

4. I recently had an hour long convo with a really good friend and it truly made me smile. She's happy and i'm happy for her.

5. I really need to contact this certain female about some candles before she murders me... wine and white, rose scented... call me or i'll call you :)

Ok that's it for now.

What's the Matter w/ Kids these days?

A family member who will remain unnamed called me two days ago to share some lovely news... she's gonna move in with her SO... I hung up on her.

She called me back and tried to justify it so i hung up on her again. I mean damn... I make enough mistakes for the entire family but they don't/won't learn from me. But such is life... Like i told my boy today: they just don't hear me

Ouch

my entire body aches.

Yesterday I decided to "surprise" B with my progress on the new apt... :-/

I moved the sofa... three bookcases, entertainment center... it was HELLISH and you can't tell i did shit. Last night i sat down and put together some picture stuff and left it at that. It's actually starting to come together though... just slllooooowwwlllyyy

The apt itself is actually very charming (imo). We can see the sun rise from any of the windows or balcony, the kitchen has tons of counterspace, i played pool for free last night... I need to have some sort of get together. Yesterday B and I were talking about the possibility of trying to move to a new apartment because of the trains (we're above the subway). But it turns out we both like the sound... check with me in a month to see how i feel about it.

This past weekend was HECTIC and we could not have done it without Sha Couric, Chandra, Seth, Frank, and Nate. Them niggaz look out for real and we both really appreciate that shit.

I feel like we moved everything in the damn world. and it's all sitting in the middle of the floor. I'll get it done though... shit i have no choice!!!!

200th Post

I figured that my 200th entry should be something special...

sooooo... *looks around nervously*

yeah, i think i'mma hold off until #300 for the special post.

At any rate, today is the day i begin my fast. i must admit that i am a bit nervous about it. I invited a bunch of Okayplayers to join me and the last thing i want to do is to let them down. You can check our progress at http://okpfast.blogspot.com

But even more important are my personal reasons for doing it. Like i said before, this is the only way that i can think of to show my love and support for my nephew right now. I pray that he is granted amnesty and allowed to return home. I also pray that his wife is able to join him wherever he decides he wants to be.

Peace and Blessings to all of you during the holy month of Ramadan. I wish all of you peace of mind and spirit.

Sick

i get sick of costing people money. I tell myself that one day i'll be self sufficient and i won't have to ask for anything... but right now... I feel like shit. Although i'm looking forward to the move, the fact that i don't really have much to contribute right now means that i'll be walking on egg shells until about January... how's that for a start to married life?

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Ok... sooooo

The lady got approved for the apt. Which means that all i need to do is be outta here by 10/22... *looks at calendar*

The folks at the dress place just called and told me my dress is ready for pickup so Leena and i are gonna go pick it up sometime this weekend *cheese grin*

School made sense to me today and i'm working towards actually keeping that going

I'm supposed to be getting ready for my fast but who knows how that's gonna go....

3 outta 4 ain't bad!

Bits and Pieces

The lady that came to see my apartment submitted her application on Saturday and I should have an answer by Monday. I hope and pray that she will be approved and that I won't be required to pay the $3500 "move out fee".

My nephew is a genius... just like his aunt. It's actually scary how much he and i have in common... tons of talent and little desire to put any effort into any of it. At any rate he got a 1260 on his SAT (he's retaking it because he wants to do better) and he's applying to colleges. I'm positive he'll get a free ride somewhere and i hope he makes the most of it.

My family is also very pissed at me. The idea that is circulating is that I don't want them to come to the wedding. I tried to be logical and explain that they don't have the money to come to the wedding. I tried to be selfish and explain that i don't have the money to have the wedding here. I try to be diplomatic and explain that everyone is invited to the reception. They're not hearing any of it. I'm upset because of the amount of guilt they're putting on me and sometimes i get very vindictive and think that i shouldn't have told them anyway. But i know they are my fam and that they love me and that's the only reason why they're upset so i deal with it.

When i talked to my mom a couple of weeks ago she told me that in Saudi Arabia they sometimes let prisoners go during Ramadan and that my nephew might be one of those granted amnesty. I sincerely hope and pray that that is the case. In response to that news, i decided to do a 7 day juice and water fast and then the traditional fast for the rest of Ramadan. It was the only way that i could think of to be close to him so i decided to try it out. I have also invited some other people to join me so we'll see what happens.

*Cough Hack Sneeze*

So yeah... I'm sick. My head feels like two ppl are squeezing it into oblivion. I'm extra pissed about it too because the reality of it is that i am about to knock down my whole section... 93 people... struck down because i can't miss class. I need to read up on colds... cuz there's no reason i should have one. I protected myself as best i knew how and yet here i am... eyes watering, stuffy nose, coughing, sneezing etc etc.

In other news i was able to show my apartment yesterday. The lady seemed really interested... in fact those were her actual words. She said she'd let me know by tomorrow so hopefully she'll take it. I liked her a lot too. She was extra sex and super smart.

This weekend i get to go buy some boxes and begin... THE PROCESS. I really need to force some folks to help me because I know i won't have the energy to move in two weeks.

C'est la vie...

My fingers are crossed

Things seem to be coming together. We went and signed the paperwork for the apartment this weekend. It's so beautiful. I hope it proves to be a good first "home" for us. It's the first thing that we've officially done together (as in on paper and legally) and it's very exciting to being something together. The only thing freakin me out is that we're on the 12th floor, but he's into highrises so i guess it'll be ok :)
The only things we have left to do is buy the rings and get the invitations and the nervousness is officially setting in... but in a good way. We're addressing the "serious" issues and establishing the basis for the rest of our lives together. My mom is HILARIOUS about the whole thing too, but her and my dad have made it very clear that they are extremely happy for me.

In less mushy news, I am going to have to pack up soon for like my 3rd time in a year... NOT COOL. But at least i'll get to be settled for a couple years.

The Dress

I found the dress today and it's beautiful. I was almost sorry that no one would see me in it, but then I remembered why we were doing things this way and it made it all worth it. I'm not really big on dresses or frilly stuff, but i like this one a lot. I'll have it one for approx 45 min and then be done with it... even i can do that.

The Redskins suck

I'm too angry/tired to really say anthing else but you would think they coulda won the game for me since this is probably the only one that my fam will EVER let me go to. That's ok cuz in like 7 years my name should be up on the waiting list. (insert sarcastic "woo hoo" here).

In other news I'm breaking my first lease at the end of this week and then i will get to move... again. Although I'm happy to be moving back in with Brooks, I'm not looking forward to the move.

I guess that's about it for now.

Sinking

I'm going down. slowly but surely. but i feel it.

The depression is creeping back in, the hopelessness is knocking at my door and the anxiety is climbing on my back. At this point in time, everything makes me cry. The truth of the matter is that i am unstable. I have a feeling that as soon as i sit in my counselor's chair this afternoon, i will break down and cry. I hate it when i get like this because i can't figure out why I get like this. The thing that makes it all so complex is that I honestly don't know who to turn to.

I think that being black and suffering from mental illness is the worst possible thing in America. There is some misconception that being "crazy" is some white ppl shit... or some type of weakness. As a result ppl pass judgment, tell you stupid shit like "it'll pass" or just make fun of you. I kinda think of it like if someone has cancer and you treat them like they're making that shit up.

It has taken me a long time to truly admit that i am sick. I have been sick probably since high school. It started with low self esteem which turned into depression in college. I lost 35 lbs in college because i just stopped eating. I got a little bit better when i came home in 97 but i really never let go of any of that hurt. my illness has resurfaced on numerous occassions and in many different forms but i would say that after 9/11 it all came to a head and started rapidly declining.

By all accounts i suffer from post traumatic stress dissorder as a result of what happened on 9/11 combined with my abusive relationship. That's quite possible because i know i haven't been the same since either of those events. I'm afraid of almost everything although i hide it fairly well. I'm compulsive and tend to act without thinking. I want people to like me so badly that i don't stand up for myself when i need to. I let people get away with things i shouldn't and a million other things all because I'm afraid of what they will think of me.

But i'm seeking help and i hope it will work. I just worry about those black folks that don't seek help because they think it makes them weak. I see traces of mental illness in so many ppl that i know and i worry. As a group, the people i know have such heavy burdens that i just wish they would seek some sort of help.

I'm rambling but i guess it makes sense to me.

Take care and please, pray for me.

Blue Tuesday

Sometimes i just want to curl up and cry. This might be one of those nights.

I don't really want to get into any details because i dont have the energy to type it all out but i'm sure i'll be poppin the blue pill tomorrow.

That's all for now.

I'm Tired Again

So far i've received the invitation samples, the ring information and reserved the chapel. That would mean that i'm almost there... but that just isn't the case. There are still a million things that need to be done and that pesky etiquette crap keeps coming up... mail this X# of days before that.. blah blah blah. I don't care about that stuff. Gimme a list of email addresses and I'd be straight.

Things are still managing to come together though and I'm happy about it. He was actually more into it than i thought he would be. He actually called me today with questions about it so that was pretty cool.

Other than that i went to the doctor last Friday and let him pick my brain. I like him a lot better than my other psychiatrist and psychologist. He asked the type of questions that i think would help him evaluate me and made sure that i was able to say everything that i needed to say. From here i just have to wait for them to assign my case to someone and start my counseling as soon as possible.

I guess the best way to sum it up is that things are very hectic but still fun.

I knew this day would come

i just didn't think it'd be this soon. I'm at the point where my two blogs are starting to come together. This means that apparently my life is starting to just revolve around school. I guess that's a good thing to a certain degree. I'm definitely stepping my game up and i know that's important. Making alliances and meeting people that i hope will play an important part of my law school career and the rest of my life. But i'll save that info for the other blog

In other news I go see the crazy doctor next week. Hopefully the process to getting them to prescribe my medication won't be a long and drawn out one. I also hope that the weekly meetings won't become burdensome. I also have an appointment next week with the Dean of Student Affairs (sounds scary huh?) It's not that big of a deal though. I need to talk with his office to discuss how school will change for me once i have a baby... (i'm still so detached from that thought but more on that later). But yeah I'm meeting with them to talk about going part-time if necessary or even taking a semester off.

I wouldn't give up being a woman for a million dollars but when it comes to juggling careers and pregnancy, that shit is ridiculously hard. I'm sure there are those that will question why i'm doing this now. I am perfectly aware that it will create an enormous strain on both of us. But right now we're like, "if not now, when?" Of course i could wait until i get out of school but at that point i'll be starting a career. As "family-oriented" as law firms claim to be, few would smile upon a woman having a child within her first year of working there. There is the option of waiting until i've been there a few years, but neither of us wants to put it off that long.

In case it isn't obvious, i'm still having trouble picturing me as a mom. I look at him, and i see exactly what type of father he will be: a leader, a role model, a mentor. He will definitely be the stabilizing force in the family. The logical one. Me? I'mma be the crazy scatterbrained mom. I'll be able to write down all the activities the kids participate in, but he'll be the one that actually remembers to pick them up. The idea of having a child is very intimidating to me. I come from a family full of amazing mothers. My mom and my two sisters have had their share of difficulties. But they handle it like it's second nature. I'm worried that my selfishness will interfere with my abilities.
The truth is, I like having him to myself. I like the quiet times on the couch, gigling in Adams Morgan, discussing the religions of the world until 3am. I've never met anyone that challenges me intellectually the way he does. With him, it's not condescending... everything is an opportunity to learn more and i love that he is able to share his knowledge with me and accept what i bring to the table as well. I don't feel like i've had him to myself since 2001. There was always school, work, my fuckin up... there was always something that acted as a barrier and i regret the fact that i needlessly added to that. I think of the times when it will be the 3 of us, learning and growing together, or the two of them spending time, and it makes me smile. I just know that it will also be important for us to not lose sight of who we are and the things that we enjoy doing as a couple.
Another truth is that i do legitimately have a drinking problem. That's scary as well. Being pregnant, going thru my first year of law school, and getting married.... That's a lot of stuff going on at once. i find myself turning to alcohol more and more frequently lately. A pitcher of margaritas here, 5 pina coladas there... I really do drink alot. I need to phase that out (or stop altogether) as soon as possible. I don't want anything to affect the health of my child.

wow... i've never really phrased it like that before
"my child"

That's something to think about for sure.
But enough with the sappy shit. That ain't me.

I'm bout to go finish this Chinese Food, brush my cats, and call it a well deserved night.

Update

There's been a slight (but HUGE) change in my plans... i'm not gonna get into here until after the fact but if you're cool with me (y'all know who you are) please please please make sure i have your phone number in the next couple weeks. I need to get in touch with you.

That being said... I am extremely excited.

I had a conversation yesterday with my mother about me getting married. I never realized how similar she and i were. she basically told me that i could get married whenever and wherever and she'd be fine with it. She said that she didn't even mind if she wasn't there. Then she went into how so many people get caught up with the location, the dress, the guestlist etc that they lose sight of what's really important. as she put it, "none of those things guarantee a good marriage and the absence of them doesn't condemn the marriage either"

and that brings me to today's family update

Momma
My mom is the strongest woman i know. There is no one on this earth that can compare to her. As the youngest of several sisters and brothers she took care of most of them before she was out of the 8th grade. My maternal grandmother died when my mom was young. Her father was extremely colorstruck and his "affectionate" nickname for my mother was "Blackie". By the time my mother was in the 6th grade, her father had become involved with another woman and basically put all the children out. So they moved from house to house with my mother usually assuming the role of protector and "mother".

After she married my father, my mother worked to maintain those titles. She stopped working for awhile to take care of my siblings and made sure that they had everything they needed. Of course i'm not talking about anything monetary because there's no real "wealth" anywhere in my family. But she was always there to help with homework, meet with teachers and be an all around responsible parent. My mother was always the "strong" one in her family and affection was not something that she specialized in. In fact it has only been recently that she has started to tell me that she loves me and to hug me. I think that this is the reason that it is hard for me to develop relationships with females. Affection from females makes me uncomfortable and nervous because it's not something i'm used to.

Although she is not affectionate, my mother has an infinite amount of compassion. And i get that trait from her. She puts any and everyone before herself. In some respects its a good thing, but oftentimes it leaves her tired and worn out. I wish that i was in a position to do more for her... to let her know that it is her time to fall back and let someone do something for her, but i'm still strugglin myself. I hope that sometime in the near future i am able to give back to her at least a fraction of what she has given to so many others.

I'm still smiling

I've been in a fairyly good mood lately. I feel like things are starting to fall into place. I'm slowly but surely getting into the groove of my "new life" and things are starting to make sense.

I've started staying at school from 8:30am to 8pm in hopes of avoiding lugging books to and from school every day. Hopefully it will help me. Next week i'm also starting the official work out... we'll see how that goes.

Let's see... oooo yeah I'm gonna have a baby...
Not like tomorrow or anything but hopefully in the summer of 2005.

If you know anything about me it's that i don't really like kids... well that's the story i tell. I love children, I just don't know how to deal with them. I don't do well with people who can't communicated (no matter how old they are). When people throw tantrums I separate myself. I don't do well when people just lash/ act out for no reason. I also lack patience and that scares me too. But I want a family and i don't want to wait until i graduate so, this is the next step....

Can you imagine me as a mom??????
*the above question is rhetorical... haters, please do not respond*

Living My Life Like it's Golden

This weekend was truly what i needed to uplift my spirits. Needless to say the first week of school had me feeling a bit defeated but all of that melted away Saturday night.

I had my first ever surprise party courtesy of Leena and assisted by Brooks and Nate. The usual suspects were there and i had a blast. Sha, Frank, Seth, Mickey, Finesse, Dae, Cheryl, and I pretty much ruined the Dave and Busters experience for several families... by the end of the night Jose (our waiter) was comin to the table askin if we wanted any more "shots and shots and shots and shots." The manager even asked if he could hire us for our beautiful rendention of "Happy Birthday."

I think it's safe to say that a good time was had by all and even now, more than 12 hours later, I am unable to put my appreciation into words. Knowing that i have so many people behind me and beside me makes me want to work that much harder to make all of them proud and to silence the haters.

I love you all!!!

Exhaustion

I don't know if i have ever been this tired. My body has basically said "no more" and i guess i need to listen for awhile.

I watched a special about obesity on MTV and it really got me thinking. The folks on the show were "morbidly" obese and i'm not at that point, but by medical standards i am definitely under the large umbrella of obesity (he he he... i said large). Anyway, it's one of those things that bothers me from time to time, but that i usually don't pay much attention to. But this past week i've been taking the bus to and from school and walking around with my laptop and books and i'm starting to realize just how much extra stress the weight puts on my body. I know the masses will probably say, "just stop eating so much and exercise." Which, in theory is very true... but i actually don't eat that much or that bad. I'm not the type that eats tons of sweets or even an excessive amount of salty snacks, I do OD on carbs like there's no tomorrow though.

The need to take a long hard look at my diet is obvious. The thing that pisses me off the most is that many doctors that i have been to are quick to tell me about the problems of obesity, but none seem to offer suggestions. I will be making an effort though, because my body is telling me that i need to, and i strongly believe in listening to what my body tells me to do.

The Family Series

I am starting to realize that there's a segment of my life that I tend not to discuss too often so I'm gonna force myself to do it :-D

The truth is I don't spend a lot of time talking about my family. Mostly because I've never been a "family woman". As i've started to move towards planning this wedding (yes, i know it's a year and a half away), I'm starting to realize just how important family is to me.

I realize that the family environment that you come from greatly influences who you will be in your family. It determines how you treat your chosen mate, and what role you will play in your family. I realize that brooks' family situation will ultimately determine the type of father he will be. I watch how he interacts with his brother and i am in awe. The compassion, love, and leadership he shows makes me realize just what a wonderful father he will be. I can honestly say that i have never met someone who is able to be so in control and strong.

In many ways, he's very different from my dad. I was always told that women tend to gravitate towards men that are like their fathers. My dad is the silent type. Not much of a talker and in all honesty, not the main decision maker in my family. I like to think that he just prefers to pick his battles. My dad is stubborn as all hell (that's where i get it from) and his temper is RIDICULOUS (i get that from him too). He genuinely has the heart of a saint and has always been there his children and grandchildren. For every dance recital my ungraceful ass had, he was there. For every softball/basketball game i screwed up for my team, he was there. I can honestly say that there is only one time in my life that my father was not there for me. He was in the hospital having surgery to remove a brain tumor. Needless to say i don't hold that against him.

Although i often claim the title, i really was never "daddy's little girl". We're too much alike for that. Our relationship used to be extremely volatile and still is to a degree. But i love him just the same. I learned alot about what a man is supposed to be from him. He has always been there for my siblings and i and was always respectful and loving towards my mother. Although they have their arguments the love they share is so real and so pure. They have been together for like 48 years and i am amazed to watch how much they still adore one another.

I look at how not having a father present has affected many people i know. Some for better and some for worse, but i definitely see the effects. My father is a truly amazing man and i am blessed to have him.

You

3 years (give or take some time apart)

It took me all this time to really see what it was i wanted and needed. Thank you for the support, the love, the compassion, the strength, the wise words, and the understanding.

None of *this* would have been possible without you and i appreciate every ounce of it.

I have never felt so at peace. What i was searching for i have found. Believe me when i say 3/11/06 will be here before you know it

Prince

Tonight

Less than 12 hours

I am extremely excited

That is all for now

In my life there's been heartache and pain

I don't really have too much to say, but i've felt compelled to make an entry. My apartment is just starting to feel like home. Among my loserish qualities that include: only eating cereal out of a deep bowl and the need to use utensils with handles that are not metal, is the part of me that takes forever to feel comfortable unpon moving into a new apartment. Even if i clean up as soon as i get tbere is takes me a minute to really feel like it's home.

i really enjoy my new neighborhood. I can see that i won't be doing much driving too and that is a huge plus! Being right across the street from the metro is an amazing thing

On the down side, my drinking has once again skyrocketed. i'd like to think that once school starts i'll "focus" but i don't really know if that'll happen. It's to the point where i was in the drugstore, sick from a cold and angry with the medicine selection because you couldn't take it if you consumed alcohol. I often wonder if i am "self medicating" again to overcompensate for my ADD. As a result i've put myself back on the Ritalin. Hopefully i'll be able to get an appointment with a doctor as soon as school starts so that i can renew my perscription. I guess when i lived with brooks i felt it was ok to drink because he was drinking with me. now that he's quit, i'm becoming very aware of just how much i drink and how much i think about drinking.

Off to make pina coladas

Growth

How do you grow if you continue to pursue negativity? The constant need for one upsmanship is tired and old. You are not growing because you choose to remain in the same place.

Relax, Relate, Release.

Reminisce

I went up to my school today to take care of some last minute stuff. I had a quick flashback to Hampton. It was registration and there were tons of freshmen on campus. It was so fun to see the excitement on their faces. It was so typical... some were trying to ditch their parents, some were clinging for dear life.

I remember going off to college like it was yesterday, it's hard to believe that was 11 years ago. For all the lines and bs that i put up with at Hampton college was an amazing experience. I hope those freshmen have the fun times i had, without all the drama.

I Got Some Shit to Say

There are a lot of things that i can't tolerate, hell i talk about that shit here on a daily basis. But there is one thing that i have always hated and that has always rubbed me the wrong way.

I cannot stand a fairweather friend. Friends are there with you thru thick and thin. They have your back through any situation. They don't disappear when times get rough and miraculously reappear when the storm clouds disappear. People that care about you don't talk shit about you behind your back and are at least man enough to contact you on a regular basis, not just when things start getting better, and they damn sure don't go to a third part source for info on you.

To avoid any confusion... yes i am addressing a situation between my former roommates. Yes I know that the reason for the fair weatherness will be blamed on me (i.e. If Mo wasn't such a bitch we coulda been friends all along) but truth be told... i don't give a damn.

For almost a year, I was made to feel like i was the bad person because i chose to make a decision. As a result i endured rude comments, disrespect and overall discomfort. Did i make y'all feel uncomfortable in the process? Of course, and for that i apologize. But i didn't deserve 80% of the shit i went through, and 2 of us know it. But i shouldered the responsibility for it and continued to do my best to keep shit going. You on the other hand chose to treat us like minor annoyances in your day. Sure, if i wasn't around you'd speak to him, but because my presence made you so ill, you had to treat him like shit too for the sake of getting back to me.

Today he's "your guy" but two weeks ago you would walk past him without speaking? That shit is hella lame if you ask me.

GZ, congrats man. I know you aren't "there" yet, but you're definitely on the way. You and I have been thru it in the short amount of time i've known you and i wouldn't change a thing

DK, congrats for you too. You have found someone who you truly love and who you can build with on a spiritual level. That shit is real and i wish you all the best on it.

I got 3 more days and then i'm all about school.... The loose ends are tying up nicely

Peace

Why is it that...

Everytime i'm like all happy and what not my momma has to bring me down to earth?

So i'm unemployed right blah blah blah. Anyway i'm just getting the last set of bills for the old apt and i basically put myself in a position where for the sake of everyone's sanity i said i'd take care of the bills... but i'm unemployed lol. Long story short i tried to bum some loot from my mom and she quickly told me what she thought about me, my situation and a buncha other stuff.

On the one hand it was kinda funna cuz she's cute when she gets to cussing people out and threatening to call people, but at the same time it hurt because she was absolutely right. I'm too nice and concerned with other people's happiness for my own good, especially those that don't give a damn in return.

In so many words she said "too damn bad" and now i am off to find my way out of my own mess. Check ebay soon for some of my prized possessions!!!

Today I Can Smile

Not for my own happiness, but for the happiness of someone else. Words cannot express the joy that i feel right now, but i am glowing on the inside.

Things around me are so hectic but these new developments have brought me peace. Y'all can clown my fung shui but that shit is working!!!! (bitches)

As for last weekend... it was a perfect precursor to what will be a wonderful week! I'm really starting to realize how much my "internet friends" mean to me. hell i've even stopped callin them "internet friends"! These folks look out for me for real and that means a lot. I've got a good support system of family and friends and i'm thankful.

but enough mushiness! friday night was hot... literally. Sha's soy implants sprung a leak... but she did have enough strength to inform us about famine in Africa. I also learned about Soul Outlets... it was truly amazing to say the least.

Also, you can get an idea of what else I'm dealing with here

Progress is Relative

So the apt is about 75% semi complete... All but one box remains... I am almost ready to bring my kids (cats) home, and its starting to look like somewhere i really want to be. I'm trying to really make it feel like home cuz i'mma be here a LOT.

There's a lot going on right now, but once again I just don't feel ready to articulate it... so I'mma just keep talkin about my apt :-p So I'm in walking distance of SEVERAL places, including a bookstore, a Thai Restaurant, and a Chipotle.... i don't think i need to even go on, but i will. I'm across the street from the metro and a grocery store. I've never lived so close to the metro, but i already enjoy it.

Although i seriously regret not being able to move away, I can honestly say that i think i made the right choice.

Off to clean some more.

I'm Goin Thru It

So I cut short my vacation due to excruciating pain and the possibility of more money... I had no idea what i was in store for. It took us about 4 days to get everything out of that house and clean up. By last night me and nate were exhausted. But it's done, the kitchen is spotless, the floors are clean and the bathrooms sparkle. The sense of accomplishment is great... but my body is upset with me for the excess physical exertion. But it was cool to hang out with nate.

In other news....

Let's see the Jill Scott show was great, she's beautiful.
I love Cali more than ever
School starts shortly
I need sleep


That's about it. The truth is i have alot to say but i don't think i need to let it out right now.

Exhaustion

I am mentally and physically exhausted... and there is very little rest in sight for me. When I get on that plane tomorrow, i am going to curl up and do everything in my power to sleep all the way to cali. I have been up late EVERY single night for like the past week. Between packing and just not being able to sleep, i am really just doing too much. I signed my lease yesterday and moved like two things into my apt. Yay me... I also went to Ikea yesterday and caught an amazing sale! $18 bookcases are what's up! Tonight I plan to take as much of my stuff to the apt as possible without pissing anyone off. I don't want the other residents to feel *uncomfortable* lol

I'm really lookin forward to my vacation too. I'm just going to try not to spend it thinking about the massive clean up effort that i will have to do when i get back. I've asked a few people to help and they've agreed, but i don't know if my pride will let me do that. But yeah, I'd like to move as much stuff as possible tonight and then put the rest on a truck when i get back. Then i can spend the last week of July cleaning.

But first... i need SLEEP!

Just take the bad...

My mom just called me at work (she's finally speaking to me again). Since my dad's car was messed up, he had to have it towed to the dealer. The idea was that he'd ride to the dealership on the tow truck, and then once the car was signed in or whatever, he'd call my mom and have her call a cab. Well for whatever reason, he never called her... but he showed up at home a few minutes ago, saying he had walked from the car dealer... 5 miles... on the highway.

I feel very sick right now.

You take the good, you take the bad

Well, believe it or not, after my inability to fall back asleep at 4am, my day has turned to crap... and it's only 10am. So i've been tryna do this renter's insurance thing because i'm scared as hell of having my stuff in jeopardy, and they're having all these problems putting my info thru... FINALLY they tell me they can't insure that apt because a claim was filed in the past 3 years for water damage.... *sigh*

So now i'm tryna see if i can find another apt in the building that'll be available tomorrow... ummm yeah.

But that's not the best part! I made the mistake of speaking to my mom about how she treats my father. I feel like she makes him feel incompetent. It's no secret that his mental capacity is diminishing, but i don't think that not letting him do anything for himself is the way to go. At any rate, i hurt her feelings and she hung up on me. I tried to call back and explain and she hung up again. I just need to shut myself away some place and ignore the rest of the world.

I need sleep

Weekend Recap

I don't even know where to begin except to say that the fun i had almost made the exhaustion worth it.

This weekend was Dae and Sha's b-day weekend (Dae Thursday, Sha Saturday) so we tried to do it big for both of em. Now to say that i am stressed about my move would be a severe understatement so i was a bit cold to the idea of not doing move stuff this weekend, but i decided to let go and do my best. soooo Thursday night we hung out with Dae at a pretty chill spot in Adam's Morgan. It wasn't for as long as i would have liked but it was a chill spot and the DJ was on point. Friday was Modern for Sha's bday. That was a good time as well. Everyone showed their asses lovely and it was an all around good party... except for the 21 year old that tried to put me on lock for a bit...

Saturday Saturday Saturday... the infamous King's Dominion trip. i don't even know what to say about the trip. The highlights for me were the chicken pass, the bottomless cup, and Dodgem... but i don't even feel like getting into details. But yeah by Saturday night i was too exhausted to move. The combination of the 11 of us in that park + Kanye East made for good times and lots of laffs.

In moving news, it's coming along slowly but surely. I went to Target today with my mom and brother. They were there to buy a wedding present. My mom wanted to buy me something for the new apt but the truth is she just didn't have the money to do it. It hurt me to see her so frustrated because she hasn't been able to put any money towards the move or school. I've tried to tell her that she's done enough over the past 28 years, but i know she still feels like she's failing me. As much I wanted to do big things with this move i needed to weigh a lot of factors, namely location, safety, and location.... o and location. This spot is 2 metro stops (5 minutes) from school so that's a plus. There were some other spots that i was considering but after checking apartmentratings.com, i knew they weren't for me. I know that people tend to use that service to complain, but comparing places i've lived to that list i can see that most of the complaints are valid. At any rate, i am in love with my new apt (hotel as sha called it) and I'm glad i chose it.

I think that's it for now... although i'll prolly update later with other stuff that's on my mind.

Take a deep breath

I think i'm calming down over here. With the help of my first dose of Ritalin in about 2 months, I have made calls to set up my utilities with minimal effort. I was even able to get my phone service set to be turned on next week... rather than the usual 3 week waiting period.

On top of that, i went to speak with HR who informed me that my "vacation pay" for all those days i never took, will be included on my last paycheck on the 15th (rather than the 1st). That means that i won't have to wait to buy furniture and stuff like that.

I need to continue to write everything down because it definitely helped me to keep my sanity.

Overwhelmed

I am scheduled to move into my apartment on Tuesday... and I've packed 3 boxes. This weekend is packed between the club and the trip to King's Dominion and runnin errands with Nate. I am on a VERY tight schedule and i honestly don't know what i'm going to do about it

*sigh*

Time to call all the utilities people and try to set up some sort of service...

Wish me luck!

R.I.P. Barney Smart

Barney Smart, Director of bands at Hampton University, passed away last Friday. The time i spent at Hampton University in the Marching Band was part of what kept me sane. The friends I made there, and the time that i spent there taught me a lot about myself. One thing i will always remember about Mr. Smart was the level of respect that he required we maintain at all times. It can't be an easy task to keep 200+ college students in line, but he always managed to do it. There's so much more i feel about his passing, but the words aren't coming to me right now.

In the event that any Marching Pirates are reading this, please feel free to email me or to use the "comments" section to share your memories. Also, please feel free to add to the Guestbook provided by The Daily Press

God Bless

Rest In Peace Barney Smart

Peace

For so long i have looked for it and at last i found it in you.

Thank you.

PSA

"Tear the Club Up" and coffee at 9:30am do NOT mix. Not the Three 6 mafia version... the go-go version. I have very fond memories of the endless hours spent in the Mirage dancin to this and the other songs in the go-go mix. I don't even know how to explain this music, but i love how it makes me feel... the good old days :)

Yesterday i was talking to one of the people that i work with about how i hope law school will enable me to stay connected to music and how much i really love being around music. Sometimes i think my life would be much simpler if i had been born male as long as i was a tall male. Unfortunately being a woman in the urban music industry makes it damn neart impossible to succeed. But i'm not giving up so i sincerely hope these fools are ready to deal with me... damnit!

A Million Miles a Minute

It never ceases to amaze me how quick i am to put ideas out there without giving any thought to all the work that has to go into them.

That being said, it looks like there will be a party/get together at my house for the 4th or the 3rd or something like that. So i gotta go shopping and buy, and cook, tons of food and alcohol... I'm not sure how that part slipped my mind but apparently i was smoking crack when i started inviting people. I'll probably turn it into a crab feast to keep the majority of the burden offa me. I'll play bartender all damn day... but i ain't tryna be slavin away in the kitchen while the masses are having fun.

This will be a wonderful weekend :)

Jill Scott and Prince

I remember when i was younger and not allowed to go to concerts... now i do what i want when i want. So this summer I'mma see Jill Scott and Prince within weeks of one another. yay me!

Sorry Mamma

Once again I've disappointed my mom. She basically told me that i'm a pushover and i let ppl take advantage of me. She also pointed out my tendency to wind up in abusive relationships. She got on me for constantly bringing people into my life who feel the need to intimidate and disrespect women... and there was nothing i could do but agree. She told me that it hurt her because she can see my pain and how i don't deserve it but that until i learn to be a better judge of character i'll continue to live that life.

Of all the things she said the thing that hurt the most is that she blamed herself. She said that maybe the reason i wind up with those folks is because of the type of person my father is. I never thought that this bullshit would lead to my mom questioning 45+ yrs of marriage. I've come clean to just about everyone that knows about the situation and i feel much better. The person that i haven't told stuff to doesn't care anyway so i'll keep that bit of info to myself. At this point in my life i'm at peace and it feels heavenly. I can't let others self doubt and self hate bring me down. Most importantly though i have made peace with myself. For a minute i was blaming myself for what happened. Although i realized the significant role i played in the drama, i also see how it escalated and how it could and should have been diffused.

I miss my nephew. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my cats. I'm blessed and i know it. I'm thankful for who I am and what i have become. I'm thankful for what i have overcome and i am eager to see what is in store for me next. I wish those around me all the happiness in the world and i hope that everyone is able to find peace within themselves....

time for a new piercing cuz this is REALLY a milestone in my life.

Patience

I called my sister this morning to see what was goin on with my nephew. Unfortunately the news was not good. Basically he's in jail and will be there for a fairly long while. My head is very cloudy right now and i honestly don't know how to process it. I've been trying my damndest to deal with this for the past couple weeks but it seems like there are other tests in store for me as well. i'll just be sitting at my desk and all of a sudden a memory of me and my nephew acting dumb will come to mind and it pains me to the point of tears. I wish i just knew what the outcome would be so that i can stop worrying.

On top of that my dad is taking the whole thing pretty hard. I love him so much and it pains me to see him hurt.

I just keep tellin myself that it has to get better... it has to.

The Tipping Point

So i have heard this new creation in its entirety and i am really feelin it. It's nice to see the roots goin back to hip hop. Although i'd still like to see them experiment during live shows, i really like what they did with this album. I cannot wait for it to drop so i can give them some loot that they truly deserve.

Make sure you get this album... cuz i said so

5:00 in the morning... where you gonna be?

So it's not quite 5am... more like 4:30... but i've been up since 3 so i think i can say it's whatever time i want. I have tossed and turned since i laid down and i finally had to just get up out of the bed. I tried to stay in bed so that i would eventually drift off to sleep but my mind was racing and didn't seem to want any parts of that.

I wish i could get into what's on my mind... but here is really not the place. The reality of my life is that no matter how hard i try to play the nonchalant tough girl role, some shit hurts me very deeply and it's not easy for me to just forget about it. I look at my life, and where i am in life and i will honestly say that i am blessed. I have acheived things and done things that many ppl haven't and/or won't. I recognize that and i am greatful to have had those opportunities. I just wish that i could achieve some of my goals in my personal life as well.

I'm gonna stop now because i don't want this to be a woe is me entry. I'm really not in that kind of mood. I just got a lotta shit on my mind and i'm tryna work through it....

Thanks for listenin

I'm Back Bitches

So the song from the previous entry is the one i currently have on repeat... much to Nate's dismay. The words to this song have forced me to take a long hard look at who I am, where I'm headed and what I want. It's not that the song is particularly deep (although there are some key lines) it's just that the song deals with introspection... looking back at the past and coming up with some sort of "guidelines" for moving forward. For whatever reason, i'm not able to do that. I go through the same shit over and over again rather than learning and moving on. That's not growth. So at this point in my life, i am making a concious effort to grow. I want to change the bad and work on the good and most importantly, to move on.

The past several months has helped me to look at life a lot differently. A lot of things i thought i'd never do, i've tried. Some good, some bad, but it's growth nonetheless. I've met some cool people as a result and realized that some people that i thought were cool aren't shit. The key here is for me to take that knowledge and do something with it... stay tuned

I've Learned (c) Signifire

(Yo, I've learned) 12 hours of sleep can still leave you restless
(And I've learned) That patience wasn't a virtue I've been blessed with
(And I've learned) Not to mix bad moods and heavy drugs, it's just because it turns a negative spiral and makes me come undone
(And I've learned) That job searches often end in migraines
(Yo, I've learned)To drop girls who try to mess with mind games
(And I've learned) That when some cats lose a feeling that's good they try to replace something that's real with a material good
(I've learned) That all cats aren't created equal
(And I've learned) At times you just can't relate to people
(And I've learned) Perceptions differ in all peeps, so you can't just treat another in the manner that you wanna be
(Yeah I've learned) Not to confuse love and lust
(And I've learned)There are a few cats I can trust
(And I've learned)That things'll depend on what you grow with, cats are ignorant as sh*t but at the same time they don't know it.
(Yo, I've learned) At times its best to deal with it alone
(And I've learned) Not to stress sh*t you can't control
(And I've learned) That places aren't really melting pots, more like separate pots chillin on the same stove
(And I've learned) That people don't know they limitations
(Yo, I've learned) You can't blame it on, "But I was wasted"
(And I've learned) That alcohol extends a personality so when I say you have some issues please attempt not to get mad at me

(And I've learned) That everything out there can be questioned
(Yeah I've learned) With true love also comes a best friend
(Yo, I've learned) That most of the mass is out for status and a cat'll front aggressive when in reality he's passive
(And I've learned) To stop makin bets against the Lakers
(And I've learned) I dig females who blaze herb
(Yeah, I've learned) That it's easier to forgive than forget and in a way I guess I lied when I said no regrets
(I've learned) A tree sprouted from the root of evil
(And I've learned) To hit speed bags instead of people
(Yeah, I've learned) That happiness runs contigent to hopes and if you don't look hard enough you'll never really see growth
(And I've learned) How to write life instead of lyrics
(Yeah, I've learned) How you can't judge by one's appearance
(And I've learned) That mad heads are scared to have opinions and would rather nod a head or try to say some sh*t to fit in
(And I've learned) Not to conform to the majority
(Yo, I've learned) How I have a problem with authority
(Kid, I've learned) The media can get mad synthetic but it's the individuals choice to accept it or reject it
(And I've learned) The pedestals a beautiful girl can get
(And I've learned) Not to mix alcohol and percocets
(And I've learned) That happiness is more than just wealth and never depend on someone else more than yourself

The More Things Change...

blah blah blah

I'm not happy and i'm not gonna be happy anytime soon... and i'm entitled to that

No Title
I've been feeling like crap lately... and that's an understatement. The thing that sux is that i'm not at liberty to say why in this forum. My *other* journal is seeing a lot of action these days... a lot more than i'm getting, but i digress. So yeah, i'm feeling pretty crappy. I'm ready for the next step in my life, but i'm scared to see how i will react to it. I keep my sanity by reminding myself that i can handle any situation in which i find myself and that makes the load a little easier to bear.

i am able to say that i feel that i will be losing a few really close friends soon... i am going thru the process of looking around and getting rid of the dead weight... what happens if afterwards there's no one left?

no details

my nephew is in jail in saudi arabia... and i'm hurt and scared.

That's it

Here's What They Really Think of You (c) Ice Cube

him: query:
him: where do your fashionable male friends shop?
me: i don't have any of those
him: wow.
him: damn.
me: we're not those type of ppl
him: uh.
him: so you guys just wake up and stink?

This is a convo i had with a friend of mine recently. To say I was a bit hurt by the assumption that not being fashionable was the equivalent of emitting a foul odor would be an understatement. But it made me really look at myself and the ppl i know.

The truth of the matter is that we are not "fashionable". I mean we're not bums either, but i don't think you'd find any of my close friends decked out in the latest *insert top designer name here* gear. The people i know for the most part aren't into things like that and could care less what people have on. It's just not how we roll. I wondered if maybe that was a bad thing when i realized that people i chill with are some of the most caring, open, spiritual, talented people i've ever met. I wouldn't trade them for all the *insert top designer name here* gear in the world.

Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)

Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist
Directs you where to go
So make the best of this test
And don’t ask why
It’s not a question
But a lesson learned in time
It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf of
Good health and good time
Tattoos of memories
And dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth
It was worth all the while
It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life


I don't know how to put it any more perfectly than that. I feel like i'm about to graduate from high school again... so much to look forward to, so much to leave behind. There's so much uncertainty and yet, it promises to be the most exciting time of my life. i've made and lost friends and learned to see the good and bad in people. I've seen people grow and seen some people stay the same. And i wouldn't change any of it for anything. It's helped me to be who i am today and it means everything to me.

So to those of you who may read this, if i know you, thank you for helping me grow. For those i don't know, thanks for reading about my growth. It all means so much to me.

Is it over yet?
This week is dragging by for a short week. I can't do this much longer... thankfully it's Thursday.

There's really nothing going on in my life but i felt compelled to type up something. I am starting to seriously consider staying with my sister for a few weeks. A lot of folks close to me are starting to see the toll that everything is taking on me and i probably do need to be isolated for a bit. Unfortunately she lives in the middle of nowhere so that really isn't an option. i think i'm gonna smoke and drink my way thru it and wake up sometime in the future.

In other news, i'm starting to get things together for the move. I got some folks to help me with my little issues i have with putting together furniture so hopefully that'll take some stress off. I've also started packing some of the stuff i know i don't need (i.e. winter clothes). I was talking to a friend about the "tell all" entry i had planned for after i move. LOL. It seemed like a good idea but i might skip it. 9 times outta 10 my feelings don't matter, so why go outta my way to tell my side of the story? Those that know, feel me... the rest... please see the title of the blog

It's good to be here

What a weekend... and that's all i'mma say about that.

I'm glad to be back in DC though. I know that much. I don't want to live here forever... but there are much worse places.

I managed to leave my keys in the rental car so i am at Nate's mercy until they are retrieved. Hopefully that will happen soon. My home situation is stressful but i don't think that it'll be this way much longer. I have to keep reminding myself that i created this situation so i must live with it. But i have definitely realized that i will not be doing the roommate thing at least not with folks i don't know.

But you live and you learn.

Come and Get Me

I feel damn near invincible these days. Not like I'mma go out and talk shit to strangers, but i feel like i'm on the right path and headed in the right direction. I have been doing some thinking on my upcoming move and i realized that i have only truly lived on my own ONCE in my life, and that lasted for about 3 months. I was worried about how i'd deal with it but i think i'll be ok. i'll have my babies there with me and i'm sure that my support group that i have been blessed with will play a major role.

I leave for Detroit in about 41 hours. I have mixed feelings about the trip. On the one hand i'm looking forward to meeting new people and seeing a new place but i mean.. it's detroit :-/

I will have the chance to catch and NBA playoff game so that'll be hot (good thinking Natey) but there are so many unknowns that i don't really know what else to feel.

Trying Times
I was trying to figure out how to split my news between my two blogs. Today has been a difficult day at best... kinda. I woke up to find my car window smashed. Nothing was taken (thank God) but it's still a huge inconvenience to miss two days of work.

On the bright side however, i found out that i will be going to American in the Fall. I'm very happy about that right there. Tomorrow i put in my app for this apt and hopefully that'll go thru. If all goes well, i'll be going shopping for house stuff in early June.

So that's my life in a nutshell. I'm upset that i won't be leaving the area, but it'll be nice to be doing something different. And the (slight) possiblity of starting at 125k in 3 yrs isn't bad either.

PSA #3
Puffin out your chest at a female (regardless of the fact that you like to call me names such as bitch, punk ass nigga, etc) doesn't make you a man.

PSA #2

If you are going to light candles in your bedroom, please have the sense to blow them out before leaving the house unless you have the money to pay for the possible damages caused by fire.

PSA

If you are going to take my $8 bottle of hand soap from my bathroom, in my room, without asking to be used by you and your guest who doesn't have the decency to acknowledge me in my house, please put it back before i find out.

Reality Bites

When i decided to break up with Brooks i knew that it would probably be the hardest thing i ever did. Last night proved me absolutely correct. How do you tell someone that they're wonderful but just not right for you at this point in your life.

Looking back i realized that i have NEVER ended a relationship in my life. I've run away from some and i've encouraged ppl to break up with me, but i've never come out and said, "it's over". I guess at 28 it's about time. I realized all that i was giving up and it hurt like hell but i also knew that for the sake of all parties involved it was best.

Monday

I am now paranoid and afraid to be alone in my house... Since the "bird incident" I have become extremely jumpy... i will swear that there are at least two more birds somewhere in my house, hiding out. They only make noise when i am alone, and i am 95% sure they will attack at some point while i am asleep. BASTARDS!!!

I had a fairly uneventful weekend. I went to see my parents, twisted my hair and sat around feeling sick... gooo Monica!

Ok that's it for now.

My Crew

It seems as if a member of my infamous crew will be making a trek up here this weekend and i cannot wait. We had a long talk the other night about college and how much freakin fun we had. It made me realize just how glad i am that i went to a black school. From what i can see from my friends that went to other schools, all the black ppl had to hang around together... the frats were a HUGE part of everything that had to do with black folks and the folks seemed pretty homogenous. Granted there were some differences but they seem slight. At Hampton I realized that there are so many types of black people that its amazing.

We talked alot about the fun times we had and how much things have changed since then. Of course he had to bring up how they used to annoy me because they were so damned immature. I was like the mother hen. Not bossy, not stuck up, but just the one that watched out for everyone and made sure they were all ok. I miss those days to a certain degree. It was nice to be surrounded by a group of people, all very different and yet so much alike. I miss the spontanaeity of college. I miss just going to VA Beach and chillin. I miss being around people that know me and know what the lines are. The funniest shit he brought up was about me and my sharing tendencies. It was a known fact that i don't like people touching my shit. So they didn't... and i didn't share food for shit... unless you asked me first... taking my food and reading my magazines before me were like two of the worst things you could do. But folks knew that so they didn't push the line.

I hate living in a place where i have to lock my room door because a roommate doesn't know that knocking doesn't mean automatic entry. I hate living in a place where you can ask someone not to eat the last of something and they do it anyway... shit like that really irks me. But that's ok. I live with one of my best friends and he makes it very bearable. He reminds me a lot of KG. They have so much in common it's crazy. But i definitely appreciate all he's done for me and God knows i'm gonna miss him when he's gone.

Sexism

Yes, the beast has reared its ugly head. This morning, I'm angry. Perhaps its the loud giggle produced sleep deprivation, or maybe it's just the general sense of confusion that i am experiencing, but no matter what it is, it's pissing me off. I hate the fact that i live in a society that basically deems womanhood as an unacceptable inconvenience. I want to be a mother and have a family one day. I want my children to be happy, well adjusted individuals, but i also want to work. I don't want to sit around all day... that's not the life i would choose for myself. But for whatever reason, we can go to other countries but can't figure out how to make the workplace "parent friendly".

The term "working mother" can evoke all sorts of reactions from admiration, to elation, to respect, to eyerolling, to downright contempt. Most people picture the "working mother" as that lady that runs out of the office everyday at 2:30 to pick up the kids because the day care plans fell through. Sometimes she'll come back to the office, kids in tow, and plunk them down at a desk with some pens and paper. That usually lasts for all of 13 seconds... The other working mother is always taking days off work because Bobby and/or Suzy is sick or is suspended or needs something. How often have you heard the term working father. For every working mother, there's a father of some sort somewhere. If he is taking responsibility for the children and/or is involved in a relationship with the mother and he has a job, then guess what? He's a working father. But how often does the working father go running off at 2:30 or call into work late because Suzy forgot her lunch? Hardly ever. How much "paternity" leave does a father take? 2 - 3 days?

As I head off to law school in a few months, i am deciding on schools based on criteria like # of classes offered, externship opportunities, faculty to student ratio and which school will leave me in the least debt so that i will be able to make it when i take maternity leave and only earn half (if that) of my salary.

So yeah, i'm pissy today. But i'mma make it. :)

Peace

It looks like it will be a fairly peaceful weekend at the house so I will do my best to get my hair done and out of the way (yeah right). I really need to catch up with some of my old friends. I feel so out of touch with everyone. It's so great to see how we've all matured and i would love to spend some time with them. Chaka said that him and his wife are planning a get together soon which would be great. I still haven't seen the completed house and i can't wait to see the fruits of their labor.

Spring is coming along nicely in DC. The newspeople are doing their best to whip everyone into a cicada frenzy... and I'll admit i'm doing my part too... I just can't help it! I haven't been taking pictures like i should either... I suck. This whole school thing is getting me down, but i'm trying to keep my head straight.

I'm also trying to have a BBQ soon... but seeing as i have no location and no equipment, the odds are against me.

I believe that's all for now.

Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself

Yes, I'm back. I think i just wanted to say i was leaving for the hell of it. I'm sure no one is checking for me anymore and I think that's just fine with me.

I am constantly amazed at how dilusional some people can be. Recently i was in a situation where a person went out of their way to make me feel as if my mental condition (ADD/Depression/etc) made me think that they were initiating personal attacks on me. As a matter of fact, he even went so far as to say that perhaps the medication (or lack of) was the reason i was having these thoughts. 3 - 4 months later, another female is saying the exact same thing... and he's accepting it.

Part of me is pissed because i know that i had to endure a lot of rude and unnecessary comments. I don't think that it's fair that this person chose to actively portray me negatively to so many people (i.e. going out and telling people about how "crazy" i am) and then never bothering to clearing it up. I don't really care when people don't like me based on things that i do, but to not like me based on one person's account of the events... that's just bullshit. At the same time, i don't think i'd like anyone that chose to believe that type of information anyway.

The other part of me though... that part of me just feels sad for dude. It's obvious that there are a lot of issues that he's dealing with so i really hope he gets better. I just wish it could have happened sooner.

On the law school front... I think i'm going to go with American. It is going to set me back a LOT of money... but i think it makes more sense. I just hope that no one ever asks me why i chose that school... i'd have to pull out a lot of data to plead my case.

The End

This is the last post in this blog. I'm tired of being questioned about the contents. Some of you will get info on where it has been moved to. Some won't. If you don't, please don't ask.

On second thought, if you don't and I don't know you read this, then ask... but if you don't, i know you read it, don't ask...

I think that makes sense.

Take care.

Mondays

I'm starting to see a pattern... i hate Mondays. The weekend was pretty decent... had a convo i needed to have... divulged some info i needed to divulge... and had a surprisingly enjoyable time. I expected a much different reaction than the one i got, but it's peace.

In other news, some people are amazingly full of themselves. which makes me chuckle. I was talking to my niece about the folks after "Generation X". Actually the convo started when i made a comment about the folks that think they're Generation X... and how they aren't. We talked about things that people in her age group don't remember. It made me think about the time Dana tried to convince us that she remembered the Jeffersons and we had to tell her she was watching reruns... poor thing. At any rate, the point i was making to my neice is that the things you grow up with have an amazing effect on who you are. I told her that when she gets my age, she'll see what i mean.

I'm not sure if i'm sick or allergic to DC right now but my head is about to explode.

And i saw the cherry blossoms on Saturday... and had Ethiopian food for the first time. I ROCK!

Funerals

I'm supposed to be at a funeral today, but i won't be able to make it. My life is too emotionally exhausting right now to say the least and I don't think I could take it. I can honestly say that I am probably on my way to a breakdown. But for some reason, that doesn't bother me... i'm envisioning lots of bed rest and maybe even some allergy medicine... and that brings me to today's topic: mental health

I am really starting to believe all the stereotypical comments about how black folks view mental illness. For whatever reason, it seems like black folks don't think you can be truly sick unless you have some sort of physical pain or drop dead. Perhaps that's why we continue to consume foods that we are told are bad for us and put lots of crap into our bodies... because i mean it hasn't killed you yet so it must be ok, right? I don't know a single black person that doesn't know someone who suffered from a stroke, heart attack, kidney failure, diabetes, heart disease and any number of other preventable diseases... but they still eat the same foods because I guess it can't happen to them.

Now switch that to mental illness. Statistics say that most people experience depression at some point in their lives. It goes deeper than just a feeling of sadness... it's more like utter helplessness. I'm sure someone out there reading this is thinking, "just suck it up and get over it." I'm just curious why people think it's that easy? what makes anyone think that people want to lay around feeling helpless, unable to sleep or stay awake, no sex drive, and the desire to cry at the most inopportune times... yeah that's loads of fun.

On top of that the medicine is a joke. I mean on the one hand, it gives you the ability to drag yourself out of bed and go out and do things that you need/have to do. But if you stop taking it, they damn near hafta put you on suicide watch. A side effect of anti-deppressent medication should not be suicidal thoughts.

Of course mental illness goes deeper than depression. When i was a psychology major, my favorite class was abnormal psychology. The first week of the class was focused on determining the meaning of the word "crazy". For every definition we through out, the teacher refuted it with a more appropriate term. The purpose of the exercise was to show that calling a person "crazy" with it's negative connotation was actually just an elitest attempt to cover up for one's own insecurities. when i look at the times I've called folks crazy, i realize that's true.

Another thing i learned in that class is that no one is exempt from some sort of "abnormal" psychological behavior. Whether it be mild or pronounced every single person is a bit maladjusted. My friend KG and I would spend countless hours analyzing our friends and ourselves and the results were quite interesting. The most interesting phenomenon revolves around the self destructive actions of most young people. Unhealthy eating, dangerous sexual activity, etc.

From childhood i have known i was different, crazy if you will. But i don't see a problem with it. The truth of the matter is that I am a highly intelligent, extremely observant individual. I pay attention to everything that goes on around me and I tend to know more about people then they know about themselves. Contrary to popular belief, i'm not arrogant about this gift. In fact, I don't even acknowledge it most times. I just sit back and let people dig their own ditches. Sometimes i purposely call people out on things just to see how their thought process works. It's really interesting stuff. My psychologist gave me the greatest insight into my "craziness". She said, "you are a perfectly well adjusted individual. You have above average intelligence and the good sense not to use it too often." I think that sums me up nicely.

Coming of Age

Last week was somehow the best and worst week of my life. On the one hand there was a death in our family of an individual that i was fairly close to. My aunt had been fighting a losing battle with heart disease and diabetes both brought on by a poor diet for most of her life. She was never a big woman but excessive sodium and refined sugars took an obvious toll. But she was in a lot of pain so i hope that she is finally at rest. My mother has taken it pretty hard. She is one of 8 children and there are only two of them that are still living. Everytime she loses a sibling she makes a "joke" about it almost being her time. Needless to say that's rough on me.

At the same time that all this was happening, i was accepted at one of the top 5 law schools in this region. I was honestly shocked. Although this means that it is HIGHLY unlikely that i will be able to leave the area, it also means that i will have an opportunity to attend a reputable school and to make the most of the experience. It sucks that i won't get the opportunity to go away but the plan now is to buy a house in an up and coming neighborhood. Get a loan to fix it up. Keep it for the three years i'm in school. Sell it after i graduate for hopefully 2 to 3 times more, use the loot to pay off the house, make a dent in the student loans, cop a car, and put a significant downpayment on a bigger crib.

Hopefully all of that will work out... and who knows, maybe 3 years from now i'll be heading out west.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

As I start to move forward with a new phase in my life I am determined not to make the same painful mistakes. It all seems to boil down to respect. Everyone demands it, no one gives it... Etc.

There's a lot you can tell about people from two major things. First off is the level of respect they give their mother and father. If he yells at his mom, he won't respect you. If she's babied by her daddy she'll epect the same from all men. Second is how that person treats their friends. Do they sell out on friend for the sake of looking important to another? Or do they lead a secret life and not include their friends? Or do they go out of their way to be there for their friends and try to make them happy?
Keep an eye on these people... For real.

If nobody better wants me, I'll give you a call


That's what waitlist letters sound like: We've looked over all these apps, and we've admitted the people we really want here. However, they're really smart and a certain percent of them will probably get offers elsewhere. So, we're gonna ask you to submit a letter, begging us to accept you. After some of the people that we really want, reject us, we'll call you and tell you that you are now lucky enough to be accepted at a school that really didn't want you to begin with.

I was waitlisted at two schools yesterday (Brooklyn Law and Temple) and I have a feeling that the rest of the letters will be more of the same. I don't know if my pride is going to let me accept a position on these waitlists. I mean if they were my first choice schools, then yes. i would be flying out there to hand them the letter in person, but the reality of it is, in order to attend either school, i'd need a significant scholarship and without an outright acceptance, i don't think that'll be an option.

For the most part i think i'm taking it ok. But any letter that doesn't start out with "Congratulations" stings, just a bit.

The Future's So Bright...

I am on the verge of greatness. There i said it. I have spent my life (for the most part) trying my damndest to help others. It started off with helping my brother when i was younger and it has progressed significantly from there and i love it. I have come to realize that i am my parents' child. I get my affection and temper from my father. That man is capable of feeling every emotion, i learned love from him and i am greatful. For all the dirt i've done in the search for love, i can only imagine what it would have been like had i not had my dad there to show me what a real man was. My mother is a bit different... she's not affectionate. In fact it is only recently that she has started to communicate to me how much she loves me. I know that her lack of affection has formed my ability to make friends with females (that and the fact that she told me to stay away from all females), but she gave me a gift that i will always be grateful for.

My mother always taught me that i am nothing if i don't help someone else to acheive their goals. My sole purpose on God's earth is to help others. Needless to say, our views on religion are different, but i have never forgotten those lessons. My whole family knows that my brother's learning disability prevents him from learning to read, but no one ever discouraged me from trying to help him. when my friends had problems, i was the one who stayed up late to listen. I have always been ostracized for my attempts to befriend those who were unpopular and alienated for sticking up for the kids that were bullied. I was the first one to volunteer to tutor other students, help out with the canned food drive, mentor younger students, and anything else that needed to be done.

My parents were born and raised in DC. Neither graduated from high school. Although my mother went back and eventually got her GED and even took a couple college classes, they are basically people that worked hard and created their own american dream. They bought their first house 30 some years ago and have lived there ever since. They gave everything they could to make sure that their kids had the tools they needed to be good people and that our dreams were always within our reach, sometimes at the expense of their own dreams. There are places that my parents wanted to travel to that they will never see. There are things that they want to own that they will never have. But my mommy says she has something far better. She has four beautiful children, 4 beautiful grandchildren, and two great grandchildren. We have never been in any real trouble, never strayed too far and never done anything too terrible (can you tell that i'm the one that ruined the perfect record of my brother and sisters?)

Like i said, I'm on the verge of greatness and i owe that all to them. They made me who i am and i will always do my best to make sure that i make them proud. I will follow my dreams and achieve the things that they worked so hard to ensure that i could achieve. I might not follow the path they want or expect, and that's ok with them. They just want my happiness and success and that's what I'm doing. I will use the emotion and compassion that my father gave me to be a good friend, wife and mother. I will try to use the temper he gave me sparingly :) I will use my mother's dedication to service to help others to acheive their dreams, and her sense of humor to keep it all together.

I'm on the verge of greatness because they made me, and i will reach that point for them.

I love you.

Mo is back...

All that drug free stuff is out the window. I'm trying a new approach. The "plan" is to take my medicine, as scheduled, in an attempt to "fix" the stuff that's wrong with me. I'm also doing a lot of self improvement stuff (meditation, trying to eat better, etc) and i'll probably be starting a fast when i get back from vacation. I'm also reading just about every book there is about getting ready for law school... oh and I'm studying for the GMAT (can you say never satisfied?)

I'm actually glad i've started pushing myself. I slacked my way through grade school, high school and college. This is my last chance to do it right and to actually be proud of myself with no regrets, i'm not letting anything mess this up. A huge part of my self improvement involves taking a long hard look at myself and figuring out who i really am. I have always invested too much into what other people think of me, only to look back and realize that they were very wrong. As a matter of fact, i don't think that anyone has ever consistently had an accurate image of me, some come very close, and some are just wrong as hell. It's laffable actually, but this isn't about them, it's about me. I just continue to meditate and try to find the strength to deal with the situation i have created for myself.

I spoke to K and he was asking me what happened to "Mo"... come to think of it he's right... I'm not Mo, i'm Monica. Monica's cool, but she's not Mo. My problem is that i try to hard to make everyone happy. Folks don't like Mo... lol she's a little bit cocky... but she's got a big dick so why shouldn't she be? But yeah, that's my new thing, i'm gettin back to Mo. Some folks might get their feelings hurt, but it's time that i start doing this for me.

Fuckin' With My Emotions

So I decided to bite the bullet and call some admissions offices today. My first call was to Temple. I ask about the status of my app and I am told that my decision was mailed on 2/23. I look at the calendar... that was 2 weeks ago. It takes 2 hours to drive from here to Temple... so ummm yeah.

I know why people go postal. It's because the Postal system SUCKS. Yes I said it and i mean it! I have never had a good experience with them and I doubt i ever will.

At any rate, the lady didn't sound too happy about my "decision letter" so I'm bracing for the worst. It's cool though, some folks don't think that i should live in Philly so i'm sure they'll be pleased.

Drug Free Day 2

To put it mildly, i feel like shit. Although I'm not still nauseous, I still have a headache and the slightest thing will make me cry. I'm really not feelin this. I don't want to be a "druggie" but i can't go on feeling like this. I need something in my system and the caffeine and water ain't helping.

That's all... I don't really feel motivated to write anything else.

No News is Good News?

So let's see, I still have 10 schools that I'm waiting to hear from. Five acceptances, one rejection and 10 I dunnos... not too bad. Now that things are starting to fall into place, i'm realizing that i have HUGE moves to make shortly and I don't even know where to begin. Brooks and I are supposed to be trying to start working through the logistics tonight and hopefully i'll hear from more schools this week so that I can start making decisions and narrowing things down. I just wish i had all the info in front of me so that i could make an informed decision. i mean there are some schools that i'm not really too interested in what they have to say (i.e. Univ of Richmond) but there are others that i almost NEED to hear from before i can move forward (i.e. Univ of San Francisco). At this point I'm thinking i should send deposits to my top schools and worry about the decisions when i get more info, but of course, that's more money that I don't have....

Ah well, it will all be over soon enough.

Live and Learn

I take back what i said, no one has ever given me all that i have given them. I stand corrected.

Friendship

I think that a previous entry may have unnecessarily hurt someone that i care a lot about so i'd like to take a couple minutes to say some things about her that need to be said...

Leena is a saint... kinda... she's a saint like i'm a saint (he he). Leena has ridden shotgun in my life longer than anyone i know. Whether it be literally (I see you in that gray Cavalier and the Monte Carlo) or figuratively she's been there thru some pretty tough times and for that I am SINCERELY grateful. There are things that you probably don't think I remember but i do. i know who was there for me the day i found out Jay died and i know who laughed and joked with me about my mother's "you can't wear a strapless dress" comment. I remember who fought with me for our rights at Massanutten (we were just playing Monopoly!!) and who had to ride around in that van that smelled like a skunk! There have been bad times as well but please believe me when i say that i love you and that i always will.

We are travelling different paths right now but it seems like we are both acheiving the goals that we have set for ourselves and that's what's important. I know that sometimes I am a bit critical because you aren't doing the things that I think you should, and that's not fair. You've been doing a pretty good job at ignoring me though, and i think that's a skill that you've honed over the last 15 yrs :)

So here's to you, Leena!!! My third sister!

Rejection

I got my first rejection letter yesterday from George Mason University. It didn't hurt. But I didn't really want to go there anyway... I can pretty much surmise that the fact that I got a rejection letter from them, there will be at least two others soon to follow.

I've also started a new perscription - 50mg of Zoloft for depression and anxiety. It's sort of a trial thing, but i can honestly say that as of 8:50am, I definitely feel the difference. The key is to address the underlying issues so i don't have to be a druggie all my life.

So Now...

So now i'm being chased... stalked if you will. It's laffable really.

LOL

In other news, I'm having a hard time keeping my friends at bay. There are some pretty strong sentiments towards certain individuals and it's all i can do to keep everyone calm and rational. I love those guys. It's nice to know that people care about me... even if they are a bit overzealous.

I got to play with kittens on Valentine's Day and that was pretty cool... i'm still pissed at Nate for the Applebee's incident, but since V-day is a day of love i'll forgive him. other than that the weekend was a blur. I did a whole lot of nothing, but it felt good. I also got to play with my babies and that was fun too. My cats have no damned sense and watching them run around, and even having them chase me is like therapy...

and speaking of therapy i get to go talk to the psychiatrist today. Him, my psychologist, the HR dept at my job and i are all supposed to sit down and try to work out a transfer. I need to be out of here ASAP. i'm tired of being here and i need to make moves before it's too late. The latest "development" is an eye tick... the shit just keeps jumping. I can't let shit drive me crazy like that! I was talking to my mom and brooks about the situation on saturday morning (minus the transfer part) and they agree that my happiness is most important. I need to get in touch with Olga so that i can set up shop out there... so much to do so little time. Well i'm sure my stalker is tired of reading, so I'll end this now.

*waves*

One (c) Metallica

I can't remember anything
Can't tell if this is true or dream
Deep down inside I feel to scream
This terrible silence stops in me

Now that the war is through with me
I'm waking up, I cannot see
That there is not much left of me
Nothing is real but pain now

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God, wake me

Back in the womb it's much too real
In pumps life that I must feel
But can't look forward to reveal
Look to the time when I'll live

Fed through the tube that sticks in me
Just like a wartime novelty
Tied to machines that make me be
Cut this life off from me

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God, wake me

Now the world is gone I'm just one
Oh God, help me
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God, help me

Darkness imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror
I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell

Landmine has taken my sight
Taken my speech
Taken my hearing
Taken my arms
Taken my legs
Taken my soul
Left me with life in hell

206 days down... 167 to go

*edit*
Not even worth it

An Open Letter of Sorts

I believe that I will be moving this diary... i never wanted to feel like i had to censor my words on this page. I even issued disclaimers. I don't post things here in hopes of opening lines of communication. I don't put things here for people to get their feelings hurt over. I don't put things here so that i can be questioned or interrogated later on. Basically what this is is a journal... an opportunity for me to get out intimate thoughts that i need to get out. I am letting you be the ultimate voyeur... letting you peek into my life and letting you get a sense of what I'm going through... it's almost like i left the house and left it sitting open on the coffee table. I know it's there, but i don't expect to come home to see my pages highlighted and your notes in the margin...

I have been hurt by most of the folks that read this. I have been forced to answer to many people for your actions and the actions that i have taken as a result of your actions. I have been held accountable for your moves, your words, your promiscuity, your failures, and your shortcomings... but never your successes. I have been asked to stand up for each of you at some point, and other times i have done so willingly. I have loved each of you unconditionally and received deceit, betrayal, lies, love, joy, happiness, sadness, indifference, and a host of other things in return. I feel that there is only one of you that has consistently given me what i have given and to that person i say thank you... and in the even that he doesn't know who he is: Nate, thank you for everything.

But to all of you i will say this. I have been called on on more than one occassion to answer questions about your actions... i see why i wanted to major in PR because i am essential a PR agent to all of you. When you make posts about me or that have to do with something here, I get the calls, IMs, inboxes and emails from ppl wanting the inside scoop. When you don't call or make any attempts to get in touch with people, they call or email me... not for your number but to find out what's going on. Some are gossip hounds... looking for the negative... some are concerned family members... some are just curious... but few are ever concerned with me. So i field the questions like a good PR agent, "Oh she's just busy, but she asked about you the other day... I'm not sure why she hasn't called, but i know she misses you guys" .... "Well i'm not sure why he's mad, maybe you should ask him... yeah it hurt, but he can say whatever he likes... no i didn't see any need to retaliate"... "I think he's got a great future, just gotta get over these roadblocks... if you've got negative stuff to say, i'd prefer we don't talk" I get it weekly... and yet i move forward.

I have been held accountable for almost every negative thing that has happened to each of you since i have known you. Such and such is mad, what did you do? Why did you leave her? How could you let that happen? I play it off like it doesn't hurt... but it does. Because no matter what i say, my decision to protect you leaves me looking like the fool... what if i was honest once in awhile? "Why doesn't she call you? shit, i dunno... she doesn't even call me... how is she? hell if i know..." "He wrote it because he blames me for hurting his feelings... truth is he knew all along what he was getting into... was i misleading... probably... but shit happens"... "I don't know how long he'll be here... yeah he moves around alot... I guess he is broke" What would any of that solve? Who would be happy? Who would be hurt? The gossip hounds would get their fill... but what would my lashing out accomplish? Nothing.

If i've seemed cold the past day, week, month, year, decade... this is why... because i'm tired. I'm tired of being the one that has to be "mature". I'm tired of having to be the grown up and let shit slide. i'm tired of being blamed when shit goes wrong. I'm tired of losing friends as a result of your actions. I'm tired of doing all the listening. I'm tired of standing in the shadows while you shine. I'm tired of spending so much time helping, praying, listening, advising, driving, hugging, wiping away tears, making phone calls, writing letters and paying that i don't have time to do anything for myself. I have overextended myself on countless occassions for each of you... be it financial, emotional, or physically. On some occasions i get thank yous... sometimes i don't.... but let's get one thing clear... i do it all because i want to. not because you ask, not because you demand but because i love each of you and i would walk to the ends of the earth to see you all smile. That's what friendship is about. I have watched each of you grow in some way or another, some bad, but mostly good and i am proud of a lot of what i see. But as each of you grows and needs less and less from me i am starting to realize that my time left with you is slowly coming to an end.

I have always felt that people come into my life when they need something... and once they get whatever it is they need, they move on. And I'm glad that i have that gift... the ability to help is something i cherish and enjoy. my only question now is who am i supposed to turn to once everyone has moved on?

I dunno

I don't think they'll ever get it.

Anal

No, not that anal...

This law school thing is kicking my ass.. and that's an understatement. The truth is that there's really nothing i can do about it. I'm obsessing over it though. Last night i stayed up until about 1:30 completing this ranking system to figure out where to go to school I also put the finishing touches on this
. That gives you an idea of how much time and effort i'm putting into this... I keep thinking, "what if no more acceptances arrive". It would be a bit of a relief actually. I'll try to post more of my obsessive compulsive behaviors later...

Reaching Out

Sometimes reaching out for help doesn't help. People don't want to be bothered. So, i let them be.

Keep on Truckin'

Seems like things are finally starting to pick up. I have be blessed... and that is an understatement. I was accepted at Santa Clara Univ. the 9th ranked law school for intellectual property law.... and they offered me a $17,000 scholarship. I was floored. I cried... I have also been admitted at Loyola University in Chicago.

I can't even begin to explain how all of this makes me feel. I look back at the girl that everyone had given up on. The one that people ran away from and didn't bother to look back for. These acceptance letters have made me realize a lot of things about myself. It made me realize that it is truly time to stop doubting myself and push forward

My main concern right now is money. I need to stack some loot so that i will have money for living expenses. I also have some scholarships that i need to apply for....

I am truly amazed by all of this and i hope this trend continues.