Thursday, July 31, 2003


Different Day... Same $^*#


Sometimes i wonder if i wouldn't be better off keeping my thoughts to myself sometimes. I find that although people will lend a sympathetic ear, many are just passing time until you finish so that they can either tell you what they want you to do (always cleverly disguised as advice) or so they can give you a hollow, "i hope things work out" and then launch into their own stories.

It's amazing to me how many people want to be heard and how few of them listen. I am probably more confused than i've been in a long time. The future is so blurry i don't know what to do. On the one hand i'm scared to death, but on the other i realize that this is the most stable i've been in my life.

Sometimes I wonder if i could make it on my own... i look for apartments and i try to imagine myself completely relying on myself, but i just can't see it. i mean if i sit and look at what i make and try to figure out if i have enough money, the answer is yes, but the reality of it is that i don't know what would happen to me if this relationship were to ever end.

Wednesday, July 30, 2003



Love


I was scanning a website when I came across this definition of the word love,

"the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. Love is as love does. Love is an act of will-namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love."


That goes against some things that I had previously believed, i always believed that we cannot choose who we fall in love with. But what if that is not the truth? What if we knowingly choose those people that we want to love? I know that we can draw people into our lives with our thoughts, but what about bringing someone to love into your life? I guess it makes sense, but i never thought of it that way.

But that leads to another question - if we choose to love, can we choose not to? In relationships that are dangerous, unwise or otherwise unhealthy can we say, "ok i'm going to stop loving this person now?" That seems a bit difficult for me to comprehend because if that was the case, there are situations that I would never find myself in.


Two entries in one day... i don't think i've ever done that before...

What's the Point


i suppose the idea behind the whole journal thing is to get your thoughts out so that you can go back and see how you felt at a certain point in time, realize your mistakes and move on. So i've been looking over my blog and what not and I definitely see a common theme. Stuck in a rut, lack of direction, where am i going, etc etc. so i know what i need to move away from. The question now is HOW? I guess the answer is that i just need to start "doing." I've given the situation plenty of thought, so I know what I'm looking for, now I just need to start moving in that direction. I think my problem is that I spend too much time thinking about how to get from point a to point b and not enough time doing it (thank you to Olga for helping me realize that one).

eventually I will get there... i just need to find the time to do all the things that need to be done.

Monday, July 28, 2003



What Now

I am so ready for this summer to be over. It seems to be dragging along at a snails pace... but at the same time I need it to move as slowly as possible or risk possible exhaustion. I can honestly say that I am more unmotivated than i've been in a long time. There is so much nonsense going on in my life, that i can't seem to concentrate on the things i need to be focused on. I get the sneaking suspicion that I am being played for a fool on so many levels and for whatever reason I just don't care. I think i'm just tired of the whole game. I mean at some point you have to realize that somethings will never be the way you want them. Happiness is not guaranteed, no matter how close you are to it. You just have to sit back and let things happen. Then try to act tough in public like that shit doesn't sting like hell.

Sunday, July 06, 2003

Progression


So where am I these days. Let's see, i am an aspiring photographer, painter, writer, genius in progress. In other words the usual. i have decided that roadblocks or not, I'm gonna follow my dream and if it is meant to be it will. i figure that if i put 110% into it, that's what i'll get back and whether it turns out to be the right path, it'll all work out the way it is supposed to.


Work is cool for the most part, nothing too strenuous, stressful or even thought provoking goes on there. But the stock is up (hooray for options!), the people are cool, and there's no dress code. Can a girl ask for anything more?


I've also decided that i desparately need new friends. After spending the 4th, alone, at home, alone, watching tv, alone, I realize that there has to be more to life than this! I'm too young to be such a home body. The main problem is that the stuff i want to do, no one else wants to do. I'd love to find a hip-hop club and dance my friday nights away in a drunken stupor, but well there are tons of problems with that. First and foremost, i don't know anyone into hip-hop enough or as eager as i am to dance, or who can be a designated driver for me when i pass out. Not to mention the whole part about me trying to stop drinking...


The thing is, i don't know if i am really ready to stop drinking. i guess the fact that i don't know means i'm not, but whatever. i enjoy it, but i know it's not healthy, especially when you get to the point when you're legitimately using it to escape... which i am. The truth of the matter is i'm not unhappy, just confused and rather than deal, it's much easier to have a few drinks and not think about it. i'm to the point where i feel like I need a drink to study, to relax, to get energized, to concentrate, to forget... what's next? To wake up, i just need a bloody mary, to get through the rest of the day, i just need a shot of this? I don't want to go that route, knowing the problems my family has had with drinking, i need to stay away from it.

But not right now...