Tuesday, January 21, 2003

Two weeks into the semester and somehow I have already managed to fall behind. I'm not sure if this is a general lack of motivation or a resentment towards my school. I have been somewhat skeptical of the level of education that i had been receiving. I even went so far as to purposely try to fail a class to see if it could be done. (It worked thank goodness!) This time around the teachers seem to have a purpose but one can never be too sure. At any rate I have failed to complete two assignments already and not having a printer at home is only giving me more of an excuse not to keep up. I guess i really need to suck it up and push through this because i really do want this degree.

I spent Saturday afternoon listening to my parents discuss their funeral arrangements and how they'd like to have things handled. Call me selfish but it really pissed me off. I have always had issue with my parents having me so late in life. I always felt like i had been cheated out of normalcy because they were so much older. Sitting there listening to them plan this and that infuriated me. I felt like my brother and sisters all had it better than me because they got to have more time with them. I know it's selfish but i wouldn't be being honest if i didn't acknowledge the feeling. I guess it's something that i need to overcome.

Wednesday, January 15, 2003

Well Happy New Year!

It seems to be going ok so far. Actually that's not exactly true. My new year started off sort of rough.. turbulent even. I went through a period of time where i couldn't seem to get ahold of anything! I mean I was just out of control... frustrated... angry... you name it. TONS of negativity. That seems to have passed somewhat but even now I still feel a bit on edge. Not really sure why though. I haven't heard anyone else mention anything similar so I guess it's just me.

School started recently and that seems like it's going to be ok this semester. Teachers seem like they might actually teach me something which is refreshing since I haven't had much of a challenge since I started there. I mean it's nice to have a great GPA but a bit of knowledge would be nice as well.

2003 is going to be all about focusing on my goals. Which would be fine if I knew what they were. I think that the ones that are obvious will be easiest... get a house, finish school... but the less tangible ones will be a lot more difficult - find a career, get a good paying job... things like that won't be so easy.

I'm also going to work on getting some more friends and being more independent. I feel like I am slowly but surely tightening a noose around brooks' neck and I don't think it's much fun for either of us...so i will try to give him more space.

Needless to say, this should be an interesting year.