One More Week

That's right, one more week til my birthday. To be honest, i haven't quite decided whether or not I'm looking forward to it. 27 was pretty blah and i have a sneaking suspicion that 28 will be too. Right now my main concerns are finding out how i did on the LSAT and finishing my MBA. The rest is pretty unimportant.

Moment of Clarity (c) Jay-Z

Honestly I'm just tired of trying. I think i'm gonna drop off the radar for awhile. Folks don't know how good they got it. Someone got a little too cocky with what they had... then he lost it. He ain't been the same since... I love him though and i'm glad he realized it. Other folks... *shrugs* they don't care. It's always me, me, me. Hell even when they pretend to be interested in my life, it usually ends up with them listening long enough to come up with a story to tell me.

So yeah, i'm bout to be out.

The Trouble with Being Myself

The problem is nobody likes me. They like the person they think i should be, they like the person that bends over backwards to help them, but "me", I get on people's nerves and need constant attention. I know why... I played second fiddle since my freshman year of high school... never had too many of my own friends, and even in those circles i was more of a sidekick that set up jokes or made jokes at my own expense. Since birth everyone always wanted to watch me do something. She's so smart - listen to her, she's so cute - watch her, she's in a play - everyone go to it, she's got a dance recital - bring out the troops. The truth of the matter is that in my home life, it has always been about me and in my dealings with my peers, it's rarely about me. For the most part i don't seek the spotlight. There is a select group of my friends that I ask (DEMAND) attention from, to be sure, but that's really about it. I don't seek praise at work, always wanted to be behind the scenes on radio, never "dressed to impressed", danced on tables, or even spoke loud to be seen (episodes of drunkeness don't count)... but for whatever reason I'm just not likable.


To a certain degree it bothers me, because i mean, who doesn't want to be liked. But at the same time it pisses me off. I mean the truth of the matter is I shouldn't ask questions if i don't want to know the answer. I'm quickly learning that.

*SIGH*

Well the studying is still going fairly well. I'm consistently getting in the range that i wanted... but the score keeps going down. i'm not really sure if it's the fact that I'm not simulating the conditions well enough or the fact that some things I just don't know. The good thing is that I am actually "getting" the difficult parts of the test. The logic games are starting to make sense to me and that feels good. But there are still some things that I am unsure of. Tonight will be the lock myself in my room and study all night session.

Life has taken an interesting turn for me lately. Spending the last two years living with Brooks taught me a lot about myself... and moving out with two roommates has taught me a lot more. I hated how quiet the house would be when i lived with Brooks, i hated not having anyone to talk to when he didn't have anything to say to me. With my roommates i always have someone to talk to. The problem is, the moody side of me doesn't always feel like talking. One thing that is hard for me to adjust to is how loud it can be with three people in the house. Granted i do my fair share of yelling and acting crazy, but sometimes i just wish everyone would be quiet. I've never really lived with "loud" people before. even when Ronnie (crackhead) and his 6 friends were at the house it was never particularly loud. I definitely feel out of my element.

For awhile i wasn't sure why i felt that way, either. My cats tipped me off to it believe it or not. When I brought them to the house, they were miserable. They aren't used to people raising their voices either and so everytime someone would yell, they'd jump. Seeing how often they jumped made me realize just how noisy it was.

Talking to my psychologist yesterday made me think about a lot of stuff too. I think that now that the Ritalin is kicking in, she's ready to move onto the other aspects of my life, particularly marriage and my future. I don't have as much anxiety as i did before, not sure if that has to do with being able to focus or not, but I think that i have a lot of issues from my childhood to work through.

The more things change...

Well let's see. I am now on double the amount of Ritalin that i was on when I first started. Actually that's not a lot. I'm currently taking 10mg a day (5mg two times) and enjoying the "benefits" of clear thinking and having a sense of direction. They cancelled my LSAT this past weekend due to snow and I'm pissed off about that. Hopefully they'll reschedule it to sometime soon so that I can get my grades to these schools and hear back from them. I think the anticipation might be worse than having to do all those essays.

I just hope tht some school, somewhere not only wants me, but wants me bad enough to give me money...

In other news... Oh yeah there isn't any other news. I hate this time of year. It makes me think about the things i miss. I wish my nephew wasn't in Saudia Arabia. I wish Jay wasn't dead, I wish my brother was still alive... I just wish that I didn't feel so abandoned. But 'tis the season to be jolly... so time to put on my happy face... boost myself on Ritalin and pray for the safety of those i care about.

D'Evils

The thought of losing a friend terrifies me.

People

Sometimes, youjust have to live your life for you and stop worrying about making people happy. You can't be nice to everyone, you can't make everyone happy, you can't make everyone like you and you can't make everyone like the choices you make. That's life. You make some really good friends along the way, you meet some real shitheads and the others just get lost in the crowd.

The people that you thought were wonderful turn out to be real dickheads and the ones you couldn't stand could end up being your best friends. It's just that simple. The thing is, I'm good at judging people. I just choose to ignore myself more often than not.

The Realest Shit I Ever Wrote

Sometimes we find ourselves in situations that we thought we would be able to deal with, only to later find out that we are really an outcast or an outsider. This can be expecially true when you relocate or join up/meet a new group of already established friends. Always remember that you are the outsider and that their loyalties really aren't to you. I need to start keeping to myself.

I have started my Ritalin induced study plan... I sincerely hope it will affect my performance on the LSAT. I think this is my last "real" venture in the school arena and I want to make something of it.

I am also finding myself slipping back into some bad habits of my past that I would like to curb. In college i realized that i got satisfaction by expressing internal pain externally. As a result, by the time I graduated i had 10 tattoos and 5 piercings. Each tells a story or has some level of significance for me. I think it's a carry over from grade school. That's when i started "cutting". Looking back on it i think i should be appalled at the thought of going at my body with a razor blade but at the time it made sense. I went back to it in 1994 when i couldn't afford tattoos/piercings. There is something very therapeutic about it, although it is extremely unhealthy. My scars have pretty much faded and those that remain i lie about. But after a lot of thought and a lot of frustration, I decided to get my tongue re-pierced.

The whole process is painful in such a subtle way that it's perfect. Walk into to a tattoo place and you are immediately overwhelmed with images lining the walls.... beautiful women, devilish leprechauns, swastikas, red black and green flags, you name it, they'll do it. Strike up a conversation with a person covered in ink and metal, some intriguing, some grotesque. Pay your money and follow them to "the back". The room is set up to look like a doctors office... kind of; which is painful in itself. She lays out the materials like a doctor preparing for surgery. The rush of the needle going through my tongue follwed by the slight light headed feeling brings all my pain to the surface... and then subsides, leaving me with a strange sense of calm.

I've never put that into words before. People ask why, i have my "other" reasons. I do legitimately have an oral fixation and this does help me not to chew on pencils, pens, plastic bottle caps, etc. I am a freak and i know it can be used for sexual pleasure, i'm not above that either. But in reality, i am a sad, scared, lonely 27 year old woman that is unable to cope with a lot of the pressures of everyday life, and so i purposely inflict external pain on myself to ease the internal pain that i deal with.

Is this thing on?

Well.. Let's see. Ok so I took the LSAT :-/ and I'll be taking it again in December. My score was SO mediocre I wanted to strangle myself. Lately I'm starting to wonder whether or not I am just mediocre.

In other news... I have been taking Ritalin for about 4 days now. It's a very strange thing. Brooks says that my driving is MUCH better when i take it, and I feel much more in control of my feelings, but i mean, it's drugs. I can only imagine what it's doing to my insides.
Well I can't really think of anything else to say... i'll be back after i take the Ritalin to get everything I'm forgetting out on paper... err i mean out on the screen?

You Know You're Right - Nirvana

I just have to get something off my chest... two things actually. Both should be obvious but they need to be said nevertheless

I exist...
That's right! I am right here. You can ignore me, you can look over my head, but I'm here. You can either deal with me or tell me you want me out of your life but I'm here.

Second...
God created me so that I could have my own opinion, my own words and my own mind and you best believe that i am going to speak it whenver i damn well please. You can hang up on me, delete my emails, put on headphones, close the door, walk away, hit me, or any other number of things, but you know what... As long as God allows me to live on this Earth, I will express myself.

One day i think i will sit down and count how much time I spend listening to people tell me shit i could give a shit about... but i listen, faithfully. I can be counted on to listen. I have fuckin ADD and can't concentrate damn near long enough to cook a meal, but I listen and what do i get... a bunch of shady ass muthafuckas in this world that think that the world is there's and when they say a convo is over, thats the end all and be all...

GTFOHWTBS

If 6 Was 9

I was under the impression that I accomplished nothing this weekend. But when I think about it, I actually got a ton of stuff done. I managed to finish my personal statement (which means that I've given up revising it and I'm just settling for what I have). I'm sure that once I put the last application in the mail, a million ideas will come to me about how the essay should have been done. Needless to say, I won't be happy about that, but such is life.

There are 13 days until i get my LSAT grades... :-/
I'm not really sure how I should feel about that part. I mean the money that I have shelled out so far tells me i better care about it. I just hope I don't have to go through and reselct schools to apply to based on my scores. That would kill what little motivation i have these days.

In other news, I have decided on a camera thanks to the persistence of my friend Dee. I am also thinking about not going to law school at all, studying photography and travelling the world taking pictures. Actually there aren't many places i want to go in the world. I'll just keep going to the 5 places i like and those will be my specialty. All i know is i need a vacation soon and it starting to take it's toll.

Crosstown Beef

Once again no correlation.. just the song I'm listening to...

So i think i am actually making progress. I found out that I didn't fail all my classes last semester like I thought... in fact I got Bs :-/

This poses an ethical problem for me. How in the hell do i make myself do work when I don't go to class, don't hand in assignments, and walk away with Bs. Brooks suggested I do some work and come out with As. My theory is that it would make my MBA look suspect. I went through High School and College making Bs and Cs. I never had a 3.0 EVER. To come out of grad school with a 4.0 would look like the grades were inflated... which of course they are, but everybody ain't got to know that. And so I have successfully justified being a slacker!

In other news, I am actually making progress on the law school application front. I have forced my way through my personal statement and yes it does suck. BUT, at least i have something to work with and i kow enough talented people that would help me to make it at least acceptable. I also signed up for the damn service that puts together your application materials and sends it to the schools for you, like I couldn't do that shit myself! $199... I don't have that kind of money to throw around, but supposedly it will be worth it. All i can say is these LSAT grades better be on point. I think i'm gonna just keep studying until I get my official score, that way i'll be making the most of my time (see i am smart).

On the Subject of Friends


Sometimes i wish that people would take a step back and realize the power of their words. That sticks and stones chant you say in grade school don't do shit in the real world. Words can, will, and do hurt, especially when they come from those that we care about. In high school and college I often felt very left out and alone because i felt that people didn't like me.

The truth of the matter is that I have always wanted people to like me. From the time i was little i wanted to make people laugh, smile, clap or do something to show me that they approved. Unfortunately, my family wasn't structured like that. There were few pats on the back... the "good jobs" were few and far between.. and the hugs and affection were almost nonexistent. As I grew up, i stopped looking to my family for these things. In grade school i was hardly ever home, weekends were spent at friends' houses... basking in the attention lavished upon me by their parents. By highschool the attention came from males who obviously had alterior motives.

Like most females, i didn't get along with other females. Most of the close female friends that i had betrayed me in one way or another over the years and that made that process even more difficult. And so I turned into a monster. I needed to be the center of attention. It was to the point that i even uttered phrases like "Look at me"... definitely a low point.

So here's the part where i talk about how i overcame this and how i feel so wonderful these days. Well the truth is, i'm not there yet. i am slowly but surely starting to head to the other end of the line. I've decided that rather than wanting attention and not getting it, it might be best to just stop wanting it. That way, when I don't get it, it won't hurt. But i know that that mindset is just as dangerous and I don't want to be at "that place" either...

Rollin wit the Lynch Mob

The title has nothing to do with anything... it's just the song i'm listening to...

So, the LSAT is behind me... I wrote my letter requesting/thanking folks for writting letters of recommendation. That task wasn't too horrendous, then i wrote my addendum stating the reason for my messed up grades between 1994 and 1997. That was a little bit more difficult... i mean on the one hand I wanted to be honest but at the same time I didn't want to sound like i was begging for sympathy. It was hard to say just enough without putting them all in my business, but i didn't want to downplay how messed up my situation was. It ended up something like: my grades sucked because I spent two years getting my ass beat and my self esteem shattered. I left for a minute and then decided that i had to go back. I went down there, went to see my abuser, told him how i felt and moved on with my life....

I usually try to block those memories but i really thought about it this weekend. In some ways that experience was the best thing that could have ever happened to me... I know that sounds so fucked up... but I mean it. I was at the lowest point in my life. Everyone had turned their backs on me with maybe two exceptions. I learned alot about myself and about other people. There are people out there that I will never trust behind that shit. And then there are the folks that I owe my life to because they gave me the strength to get out, places to stay, money, a shoulder to cry on, and most importantly unconditional, unjudgemental love.

Over the next week or so I need to work on my applications and make sure there are no essays I've overlooked... and i need to finish up my personal statement. Once that is done, I'll feel much better.

Stupid Test


Ok so... lets see... 5 sections... i don't think i finished ANY of them without rushing which is cool i guess. Of course there was the section where i had to guess the answers to approximately 6 questions :-/

I guess i should be all worried and broken up about it... but i'm really not. I mean on the one hand i want to know how i did but at the same time i can't stress it because at this point there is NOTHING i can do. if i'm not happy with the score i'll take it again in december

The thing that has meant the most to me is the folks that have taken a genuine interest in my success on the LSAT. i'm not really used to people being concerned with what's going on in my life so it's a little strange. But it's really nice to have them around.

Last Days

So I'm down to 24 hours... and I am feeling pretty damn nervous. I don't know why I'm doubting myself about this damn test. I don't usually get like this. I mean I've always loved these types of things... comparing my intelligence to everyone else in the country... I dunno it just seems like the best confidence booster. I really hope i do well.

I'm starting to realize how badly i want to go to law school. I think that sometimes i make it seem like it isn't a big deal because if i don't do well i want it to seem like it was no big deal.

Reactions will be posted sometime after 4pm on Saturday!

Another day


I still can't bring myself to study for this damn test. I'm cussing folks out at work. My parents think that I have some deep dark alcohol abuse problem.

The whole thing is kinda silly actually. I think i need to round all these folks up and say something brilliant like... I've been depressed since '89 people. Y'all need to wake up!


I have another doctors' appointment today. She's gonna ask me something foolish like, "so what did you decide you enjoy?" and I'm just gonna have to tell her i have no clue.


On a brighter note (pun intended) i think I might be able to get a guitar this weekend. If everything goes according to my plan.

So yeah it's my life


But that doesn't mean i want to live it.

Progress?



I guess progress is relative, but either way I think I've made some. The move is still on and it's starting to look up. I have looked at one place, going to see another house on Saturday. I also talked to a good friend of mine last night and remembered that he has a house up here that he's renting or selling depending on what the person is looking for. There are a few intricacies with that (namely the fact that someone already lives there) but he's letting me know if it would be a possibility.


All in all I feel really good about the move. I'm ready to spread my wings. But at the same time I constantly worry if i am doing the right thing.


On the ADD front... I went to a psychologist who has basically told me a few interesting things. The first is that I might not have ADD (the good news) however I might have anxiety or be depressed... or it could be ADD (he shitty news). At any rate I go back next week and she's going to see if i need medication. She also thinks that i might have a drinking problem (this is not news to me). She said I should quit for two weeks and focus on studying on the LSAT... I've gone thru a bottle of Khalua and a bottle of Vodka and haven't picked up a book.

I also have two new "issues" that I'm working on:

I was instructed that I should come up with some sort of reward system for myself. You know, study for an hour and then do "X" for an hours. So, my doctor says, "what do you like to do?" My answer? I don't know.

Plain and simple. I don't know what i like to do. Half the time I don't know who i am.

The second issue has to do with that 2yr detour my life took when I was in an abusive relationship... Why?
My family life was fairly stable. My parents have been together 47 yrs. They argue, but no more than "normal". I have never seen my father hit my mother, although he did spank us when we did wrong. Sometimes that may have crossed the line, but there was no "abuse". Sometimes i think that if i could figure that out, i may understand myself a lot better.

But for now... I need to get into studying...

?

I am at the point where i am forcing myself to write and that has got to be the scariest shit in the world. I don't think that i've ever had writer's block before, so I'm a little bit confused on how to handle this. Perhaps it's anxiety? Maybe it's a sign? All i know is that I don't like it and I want it to stop. I feel like i am going a million miles a minute. I sat down to write (as in pen and paper) what i was feeling and I was all over the place... unfocused, confused. My handwriting looked like I was 5. My life in general seems to be very unbalanced. I'm thinking i need to meditate, read, listen to music and just regroup. What i really need to do at this point in my life is finish something. I need to actually complete something. Something major (in other words not this blog entry).

Work is hell. It's hell because i can't finish anything. My solution? Don't do it. If i know i'm not doing it, I can't get frustrated when I don't accomplish it. Its when you try to do something and fail that it hurts, right? That's the worst attitude ever, and I know it, but it works.

I need to do some reading on adult ADD. Maybe that's my problem? I mean i'm really not used to this. The rambling, the general feeling of incompleteness. i think i'm having a breakdown and Lord knows i don't need that. i got applications to work on. I need to go start a project so that i can finish...


This is getting crazier by the second. i am going to go sit on the couch, love my cats, and relax for the rest of the evening. Tomorrow i will search out answers and try to become balanced.

Life



So I'm really moving out. At this point in time i have nowhere to go, no furniture, and no idea what will happen next. In a way I'm scared to death, but i need to do this. I'm tired of feeling like I'm headed nowhere and doing nothing. I want to go to law school, but I don't know why. I know ABSOLUTELY nothing right now. Things that I thought I felt, I'm not sure about. Things that I thought i knew, I don't.



I haven't felt this confused since the last time "he" beat my ass, kicked me in head and left me passed out on the floor. The physical pain isn't there, but it still hurts like hell.

DAYUM

I can't believe I haven't updated sooner...

So, since my last entry, I've been to Atlanta, Philly, and NY... realized that i love all of them, expanded my list of schools to apply to, and had a fun time doing it.


Most importantly, however, I finally met him! Him = Pete Rock...


I can't even put into words how happy i am about that one. I wish J had gone cuz he would have had a good time, but Brooks and I held it down and had a good time. I was mad as hell driving home at 4 in the am, but still, it was worth it.


Atlanta was amazing to say the least. I had a wonderful time. It was nice to get away for a bit. I'm thinking about travelling somewhere every other weekend. There's too much stuff I haven't seen to just sit in the house all the time.


Friday we went to a party in NYC. That was off the hook too! ?uest and BrainChild held shit tha fuck down! My only regret is that we didn't get there earlier and stay later, but not everyone can hang with me!

Day 2/I almost died tonight

I was planning on coming home and writing about how uneventful today was, no real hunger, got some water, etc... but umm it ain't quite go down that way...


So I'm waiting outside for Brooks to pick me up in front of my school... not a bad neighborhood but not the best either - either way i'm a city girl so i'm always watching my back. So, I see this guy jogging up the street... I didn't really think much of it because there are a lot of buses, cabs etc around there and i figured he was trying to catch one of those. As he jogs past he says hello to me and I nod. He keeps going for about 20 more feet and then he stops and starts yelling in the middle of the street. Once again I didn't think anything of it. I assumed he had missed whatever he was running after and that he was on his cell phone complaining. The whole time i'm trying to look preoccupied but still looking at him out the corner of my eye.

The next thing i know the guy stands in the middle of the street with his back to traffic, with his arms out. Sort of like Jesus on the cross. Then he turns and starts walking towards me. Since I'm right in front of my school, I make sure that i can get in there if i need to. But he just walks up and asks me if i saw what just happened. i nod and tried to ignore him like i do most "crazy" people. So he hands me his card (from Up Against the Wall) and tells me to call him anytime God makes me feel like he just did. At this point i'm pissed because I'm thinking this guy is using God as a pickup line.

About 100 feet from where i am there is a couple parked in a Tahoe or some big truck. The guy walks up to the truck and demands that they get out of the car and acknowledge what God has done. They get out and he proceeds to yell at them. At this point i called the police and said, "There is a guy at this intersection, pulling folks out of their cars. You need to send someone." They take a description and say they're sending someone :-\

At this point i will mention that about 1000 feet in the other direction, someone had previously called the cops and there were two cop cars right there.

The man hops in the truck and starts driving up the street. I get as far back on the sidewalk as possible so that he can't jump the curb and run me over too easily. Instead he drives past and smiles, honks the horn, and waves. He then drives up to where the police cars are, gets out of the truck and into one of them... He comes back down the street towards me, waving a gun out the window and asks me, "what should i do now?"

I'm like you need to do what God says is right and keep driving down the street. He goes swerving off down the street. At this point i run back to my school, which by this time is closing down, lights out, everything. There's a police officer on duty in there and he happens to be coming down the steps. He tries to act like he's not gonna let me in, so I bang on the door harder. FINALLY he lets me in and asks what's wrong... I tell him, there's a crazy man out there in a suit, he just drove up the street in a truck and back down in a police car... he's been yelling in the street for the last 10 minutes. This ASSHOLE hits me with (and i quote) "If he's driving a police car he must be a police officer" At that point i refuse to leave the building while he goes out to investigate...

NOW the police that were parked up the street realize that someone has taken one of their cars and they come running down the street to get it because by this time, the man has gotten back out and left it in the middle of the intersection. So then the cop drives back up the street...


Brooks pulls up and as i get into the car, i see the guy on the hood of the police car being arrested...


At the time I was so pissed at him for taking so long but i realized, had he driven up any sooner, things might not have ended like they did. Suddenly not eating wasn't a big deal...


I am so thankful for the friends and family i have and especially for those people that have touched me in a special way.

Day 1


So day 1 of the fast wasn't bad at all... no dizziness, no fainting, no excessive hunger. I'm really glad to. I'll admit that i was pretty much dreading it. On the one hand i knew the importance of it but I was still scared because I didn't know what to expect. I know i didn't drink enough water yesterday so that is my focus right now. I'm hoping that this will really lead me to some clear decisions and direction.

In a way I hope Day 2 is gonna be more eventful, but on the other hand, if i could get thru a 7 day fast like this, I'd be fine.

Patience


So I've decided to make some changes in my life. I once read somewhere that when you decided to make changes there will be those people that support you wholeheartedly - those are the ones that you should keep around. But there are others who will complain, sabotage and fight to keep you the same - those are the ones you let go of. AMEN


I'm tired of being out of control of my life. i can't focus, i'm scared to succeed and scared to fail. I see that certain people are being put into my life to teach me valuable lessons and I'd be a fool if i didn't learn from them. I am currently working on patience and self control. These are two of my biggest obstacles. I have to have it all NOW... I need to get over that quickly.

How am I planning on acheiving it? A number of ways. First of all, I'm going on a seven day fast. It starts tomorrow. It isn't long but for me it's a huge deal. I'll be drinking juices and water, but for at least two days I plan to do nothing but water. Additionally i'm delaying my gratification on things. For example i usually pounce on personal emails. I'm making it a point to finish whatever i'm doing before i open them. I'm also staying away from my favorite website for a week. It takes up too much of my time so i want to show myself that I don't need it.

Hopefully by this time next week i'll understand myself even better.

Fear


I never thought i'd be so afraid of doing the right thing... I'm very tired and I need to make it right, otherwise I'm doing everything I don't want to do and being someone I really don't want to be.

Time to grow up

Coffee makes me crazy...

I am bouncing off walls right now... It's 9am and i feel like i can go all day!! I'm gonna crash by noon but ah well!



Might be goin to see Gil Scott-Heron tonight and I'm amped (or is it the coffee)! Talk about inspiration! Hopefully it will be a good show.

San Francisco

It was absolutely wonderful! The weather was perfect! There was just the right amount of coolness in the air, enough to make you feel alive and happy. It was warm enough to get rid of the jacket but not oppressive like this DC heat/humidity nonsense!


It was nice to be away from the city and be able to just let go and enjoy. I need that in my life. I'm thinking about investing some money and trying to live off the money i make... I know its a long shot, but damn, I can't work like this for the rest of my life.


So now that I'm back in the "real world" i'm realizing that i have a ton of crap to do... I got school work, work work, law school application work...
It's that whole fear of success thing beating me down. If i don't try and I fail it'll be ok. But what if i actually get into law school? Then I have to go through with it. I think i need to get out and work through some stuff. Become a hermit for awhile... it sounds tempting, but i don't think i could really go through with it.

But How Do You REALLY Feel?

One of my biggest fears when I set out to make this blog "public" was the possible perception that people would have of me as a result. For the most part people have been fairly understanding. Lately though, it seems like all my intentions here and elsewhere are just wrong.

I am being put in situations where i feel like my words are being doubted and to be honest it's very hurtful. I spent a lot of time crying yesterday, because my words seemed to be repeatedly called into question and honestly I couldn't take it. Sometimes I get so frustrated with everything going on in my life. I think that everything that I have gone thru has taught me so much about who i am and what I want, but people are not always receptive to what I feel and that may be one of the most painful things in the world.

I have come to the realization that I am probably terrible at showing love. It doesn't come out as love apparently. Maybe there's a class I can take or someone that I can go talk to about it... all i know is i need help cuz this hurts entirely too much.

Sometimes i wonder how my life can be so uneventful and yet so hectic...


Yesterday was my niece's going away party. I can't believe that she's going away to college! I am so proud of her. I have watched her to become such a beautiful person and I cannot wait to see what she will accomplish. She reminds me a lot of me, but with less of the bad traits and i love her for it. I'm at a point in my life where I really wish i could go back in time and do a lot of stuff over again, specifically 1989 - 2000. That would be where i started messing up and what i think i could change the most. At the same time, i don't think i'd do a thing differently because those years taught me a lot about who i am and life in general.

I leave to go to San Francisco on Wednesday. I'm so excited. I can't wait to see the look on his face once we get there. I honestly don't think we're going to be able to move out there but i'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything will work out somehow. Part of me is starting to settle into my East Coast life and I'm trying hard to not let that happen. It's not that i have anything against the East Coast, it's just that this is not the way I want to live my life. But whatever is meant to happen will happen.

Reflections

I was asked to write about my current relationship and the craziness that is associated with being a woman. I figured it would be an easy task, but just like anything that requires taking a hard look at oneself, it was very difficult


I met him kind of by accident. By that I mean I had sworn off all men; I wasn't becoming a lesbian or anything, but I was just through with relationships for awhile. I was tired of hurting and tired of the let down. When we first started speaking online, I figured he was a cool guy and would make a good friend. At the time my opinion of the type of guy you'd come across online was the type that wasn't out there meeting women by more conventional means, in other words i thought he was unattractive. After awhile we decided to exchange photos and I'll admit, it sparked my interest. After a couple of phone conversations we decided to go out.


(Here's where the craziness starts)Now before I even went to see him, i called a good friend of mine on the phone and I said, if this man is as good looking in person as he is in a photo, i'm going to marry him. That may sound superficial but it was really the personality that got me (honest). We had a wonderful time together and eventually decided on a committed relationship. This was no small task for me, however, because I really wasn't looking for one at the time.


Sometime around the one year mark his friends started asking him when he was going to propose and all that stuff... his answer would always be "soon" or "sooner than you think". Now to me that meant... tomorrow or later on tonight. At that point we were living together, had joint bank accounts, the whole nine. I tried not to bring up the topic because i felt like saying something would make him uncomfortable, but at the same time the thought always loomed in my head. Birthdays passed, Christmases passed, valentine's days... all of the times that I figured would be "perfect" opportunities for him to do it. I'd literally just watch him to see if he looked like he was nervous or thinking about how to do something... it never happened.


From time to time I'd ask if he planned on marrying me to which he'd always reply "yes". I'd ask when and that's when the trouble would start. His answer would basically be, when I'm "ready". So then I'd want to know when he'd be ready. Part of me knew i was pushing buttons but there was another part of me that really wanted to know when. I looked at it like we're doing all the things a married couple does, the only thing that would change is the way we do taxes, what's the big deal. But, for whatever reason, it was bigger than that for him.


I think that a lot of it has to do with our backgrounds, my parents have been married for 47 years and they are still completely in love with one another. His parents aren't married and his views of what marriage are used to be pretty bad (fighting, cheating, etc). I will admit that there is a bit of resentment on my part about the whole issue. I feel like I'm good enough to shack up with, but not to marry. I feel like he'll never ask me because he hasn't already. I know that to a certain degree i'm being selfish, but i feel like he is too. Somewhere along the way there has to be a compromise.

I don't really understand how someone can say that they plan to do something, but then claim to not be ready. Sometimes I think i'm being led on, other times i feel like he's right on the verge of asking. Either way the rollercoaster ride is getting pretty tiring.


Oh yeah, and it'll be two years next Saturday... and he still hasn't asked me.

From bad to better?

Let me just start off by saying that things at my job are MESSED up. I'm not talking about conflict with a coworker or problems with my boss. I am talking about a genuine problem within the company that will result in me working both today and tomorrow. So i am PISSED about that.

In other news, "he" and I had a talk last night. More like me throwing a tantrum and him throwing his guard up. Me: Why don't you do A, B, C, and D anymore? Him: Why do we always have to talk about this can't you see i'm busy? From their he puts on the headphones and ignores me. Lovely.

This has been an interesting summer for me, to say the least. I've learned a lot about myself and my feelings, and about love. The question now is what do i about all this that i've learned. 85% of me thinks i should leave... maybe even 90% but then there's part of me that says, where in the hell would you go? Who knows? I could always live with my mom for two months, request that my job relocate me to LA and freeload off some friends for awhile. Maybe I could even show up on the doorstep of family members who have told me to my face that they hate me and insist that they let me stay there. But those alternatives are drama filled to say the least and I'm really not about that.

I need to be somewhere where i can talk and people will care about what I say. I need to be somewhere where people will encourage me and be there for me. I need to be somewhere where I don't constantly feel like an annoyance. Right now, this is not that place.

Getting Grown

I need to focus. I mean i need to spend an entire weekend in my house just taking care of the things that need to be done. I need to write my personal statement for law school, i need to start getting all my information together about scholarships i need to start writing papers for school. I have so much that i need to get done and i can't get focused. My mind is in so many different places right now. I feel like i'm going in circles. I need a vacation!


My cats are absolutely out of control. I don't know if they feel neglected or what but they are definitely seeking out attention. It's hard having animals that need you like they do. I know it sounds stupid, but if you knew these two you'd understand.


I'll be honest, the move isn't looking good. Every time i turn around things are needing to be paid for. I'm not sure how to take that either. Does it mean i should stop looking into moving or do i just need to stay even more focused?


TGIF!!!

Different Day... Same $^*#


Sometimes i wonder if i wouldn't be better off keeping my thoughts to myself sometimes. I find that although people will lend a sympathetic ear, many are just passing time until you finish so that they can either tell you what they want you to do (always cleverly disguised as advice) or so they can give you a hollow, "i hope things work out" and then launch into their own stories.

It's amazing to me how many people want to be heard and how few of them listen. I am probably more confused than i've been in a long time. The future is so blurry i don't know what to do. On the one hand i'm scared to death, but on the other i realize that this is the most stable i've been in my life.

Sometimes I wonder if i could make it on my own... i look for apartments and i try to imagine myself completely relying on myself, but i just can't see it. i mean if i sit and look at what i make and try to figure out if i have enough money, the answer is yes, but the reality of it is that i don't know what would happen to me if this relationship were to ever end.

Love


I was scanning a website when I came across this definition of the word love,

"the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. Love is as love does. Love is an act of will-namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love."


That goes against some things that I had previously believed, i always believed that we cannot choose who we fall in love with. But what if that is not the truth? What if we knowingly choose those people that we want to love? I know that we can draw people into our lives with our thoughts, but what about bringing someone to love into your life? I guess it makes sense, but i never thought of it that way.

But that leads to another question - if we choose to love, can we choose not to? In relationships that are dangerous, unwise or otherwise unhealthy can we say, "ok i'm going to stop loving this person now?" That seems a bit difficult for me to comprehend because if that was the case, there are situations that I would never find myself in.


Two entries in one day... i don't think i've ever done that before...

What's the Point


i suppose the idea behind the whole journal thing is to get your thoughts out so that you can go back and see how you felt at a certain point in time, realize your mistakes and move on. So i've been looking over my blog and what not and I definitely see a common theme. Stuck in a rut, lack of direction, where am i going, etc etc. so i know what i need to move away from. The question now is HOW? I guess the answer is that i just need to start "doing." I've given the situation plenty of thought, so I know what I'm looking for, now I just need to start moving in that direction. I think my problem is that I spend too much time thinking about how to get from point a to point b and not enough time doing it (thank you to Olga for helping me realize that one).

eventually I will get there... i just need to find the time to do all the things that need to be done.

What Now

I am so ready for this summer to be over. It seems to be dragging along at a snails pace... but at the same time I need it to move as slowly as possible or risk possible exhaustion. I can honestly say that I am more unmotivated than i've been in a long time. There is so much nonsense going on in my life, that i can't seem to concentrate on the things i need to be focused on. I get the sneaking suspicion that I am being played for a fool on so many levels and for whatever reason I just don't care. I think i'm just tired of the whole game. I mean at some point you have to realize that somethings will never be the way you want them. Happiness is not guaranteed, no matter how close you are to it. You just have to sit back and let things happen. Then try to act tough in public like that shit doesn't sting like hell.

Progression


So where am I these days. Let's see, i am an aspiring photographer, painter, writer, genius in progress. In other words the usual. i have decided that roadblocks or not, I'm gonna follow my dream and if it is meant to be it will. i figure that if i put 110% into it, that's what i'll get back and whether it turns out to be the right path, it'll all work out the way it is supposed to.


Work is cool for the most part, nothing too strenuous, stressful or even thought provoking goes on there. But the stock is up (hooray for options!), the people are cool, and there's no dress code. Can a girl ask for anything more?


I've also decided that i desparately need new friends. After spending the 4th, alone, at home, alone, watching tv, alone, I realize that there has to be more to life than this! I'm too young to be such a home body. The main problem is that the stuff i want to do, no one else wants to do. I'd love to find a hip-hop club and dance my friday nights away in a drunken stupor, but well there are tons of problems with that. First and foremost, i don't know anyone into hip-hop enough or as eager as i am to dance, or who can be a designated driver for me when i pass out. Not to mention the whole part about me trying to stop drinking...


The thing is, i don't know if i am really ready to stop drinking. i guess the fact that i don't know means i'm not, but whatever. i enjoy it, but i know it's not healthy, especially when you get to the point when you're legitimately using it to escape... which i am. The truth of the matter is i'm not unhappy, just confused and rather than deal, it's much easier to have a few drinks and not think about it. i'm to the point where i feel like I need a drink to study, to relax, to get energized, to concentrate, to forget... what's next? To wake up, i just need a bloody mary, to get through the rest of the day, i just need a shot of this? I don't want to go that route, knowing the problems my family has had with drinking, i need to stay away from it.

But not right now...

Roadblocks

Well, I seem to have encountered my first roadblock on the path that i have decided to take.... Money.

Money is always a huge roadblock. Apparently, I'm going to need somewhere around $65,000 to move forward with this endeavor. The next 12 months will indeed prove to be interesting. It's weird because I feel like I should be somewhat intimidated by this task, but I'm not. I have a sense of calm about it that tells me that I'm going to be ok and that is a huge relief.
I absolutely love my new job. XM is a great environment to work in and I'm glad i ended up here. My only concern is will this affect me when it's time for me to leave?

So i prayed before i went to sleep last night. I asked for guidance on this new thing i'm working on and what direction i should take. What do i get? A dream that i'm dating Chris Webber. What in the world am i supposed to do with that?

Well, the first portion of my plan is in effect. I will start my new job on May 5! Now I just need to do all the other stuff that has to be done!

At this point, I have some things in the works... That's really all I can say about it right now. I am so afraid that I will put too much pressure on myself by telling people so this little project will be a secret. It's going to take a lot of planning and hard work but I know I will pull it off. It's cool too!
Before you get to thinking too hard, I'm not pregnant and I'm not getting married anytime soon that i know of. This is just me doing something that I have been wanting to do for awhile. With that said, if i should be moody, angry, depressed, ecstatic, overwhelmed, overjoyed, MIA or any other of a multitude of emotions, please bear with me while i am under construction.

Positivity


Contrary to popular belief, I am NOT a pessimist! I think that my outlook on life is generally positive :) It's funny how people who have to defend themselves from being called pessimists usually refer to themselves as "realists." Here's my take on the situation. A realist is someone who sees things the way they "are" but doesn't acknowledge the fact that positive thinking could change that "reality" very quickly.


I think that I am stuck in a rut (like I haven't been saying that for 6 years). I spend too much time surrounded by people that don't want to change their realities. They are content to walk down the same path and make the same mistakes.

In my opinion, it's one thing to be ignorant, it's completely different when the truth is right in front of you and you choose not to acknowledge it. People continue to walk around with blinders on, purposely ignoring what is going on in the world and how it affects them. These people FRIGHTEN me.

It's time for everyone (even the "realists") to wake up and see what's really going on out there. Pick up a book, a newspaper, something! Figure out what's going on so you can make real decisions. Question things once in awhile, the government, religion, yourself . The mindless sheep mentality is getting old quickly and it's leading this country straight into the ground.

I think that one of my biggest problems is that I give things too much thought. I have been seriously looking into the whole move to the west coast. Yesterday two things occured to me. The first is that when I leave for California, it will probably be the last time I see my dad and possibly my mom. That's so morbid isn't it? But I know it's true. The thought of losing them scares me but the thought of not being close if something were to happen is even worse. I wish I could learn to accept death.I guess one day I will have no choice, but I hate the fact that I am so preoccupied with it that I am not able to focus on the "good". The other thing that occurred to be, is that getting married is going to be a nightmare if we move. I have no doubt in my mind that it can be done, but the idea of planning something from thousands of miles away is intimidating to say the least.

I'm back... and I chickened out. I never made it to see my family in LA. Which is actually fine with me. It would have been one of those extremely awkward occurances where people that haven't seen each other in ages, and don't necessarily like one another, sit around and make small talk until someone says, "well look at the time" and makes an excuse to bounce. NOT my cup of tea.

We decided that after losing all our money in Vegas, we'd be content to just sit around with some new-found friends and enjoy ourselves. After having to be dragged to the airport and some pretty serious conversations, we've decided to start looking into schools on the west coast. The problem we're having now is LA vs. San Francisco. I think I need to plan a trip to San Fran ASAP so that I can make my point convincingly. I think I'll miss DC but I need to get out of here. Too dark and gloomy, give me sunshine and happy people ANY day!

I predict that the next three weeks will be a complete blur for me and I can't be happier. This weekend we're going to see the Roots, IN PHILLY of all places. That's a huge deal to me because it's something I've wanted to do for awhile now and it's finally a reality. In addition to that next Friday I leave for Vegas and Los Angeles. I can't think of two places better suited to help me stop taking life so seriously. Hopefully, I'll get to see my family that I haven't seen in ages and prove to them that I am in fact black.

I know that probably sounds strange but i haven't been there since i was about 6. As a child my parents always stressed to importance of proper grammar and communication. To that portion of my family I talked "white". They took that to mean that I (at 6 years old) thought I was better than them. My aunt at one point told my mother to take me home and bring me back when I was black. I think that I might now be black enough. We'll see though...

Things in my life are starting to pick up... sort of. I'm still stuck at my job but at least I am looking forward to my trip next month. I wish i could say that i've had some sort of revelation about the meaning of life or something like that ... but no such luck. i will say that i have a sort of new resolution that I am working towards. I've been hearing alot lately about the possible complications of being overweight (no it is not the first time i have heard this - it's just starting to hit closer to home). I've decided that i really need to do something about it and my first step is a nutritionist. The thought of that absolutely freaks me out, but i can't seem to figure out why. I guess i always worry that doctors will judge me or look down on me. I guess if that's the case, i need a new doctor?
Nevertheless, tomorrow i make my first appointment and start my goal of losing 50 pounds. That part scares me too. I mean not so much the number, but the thought of all that I stand to lose if i fail.
Sometimes i think about how great life will be when i lose the weight. Heads will turn again. Clothes will fit right! Ultimately, people will treat me differently. But is that what i want? I mean if suddenly my boyfriend wants to go to clubs with me or take me out to dinner how should that make me feel? Was i not good enough before? why am i a different person now? One thing is for sure, i need to make sure that i take care of me and make sure that i stay healthy, regardless of what everyone else says or does.

Two weeks into the semester and somehow I have already managed to fall behind. I'm not sure if this is a general lack of motivation or a resentment towards my school. I have been somewhat skeptical of the level of education that i had been receiving. I even went so far as to purposely try to fail a class to see if it could be done. (It worked thank goodness!) This time around the teachers seem to have a purpose but one can never be too sure. At any rate I have failed to complete two assignments already and not having a printer at home is only giving me more of an excuse not to keep up. I guess i really need to suck it up and push through this because i really do want this degree.

I spent Saturday afternoon listening to my parents discuss their funeral arrangements and how they'd like to have things handled. Call me selfish but it really pissed me off. I have always had issue with my parents having me so late in life. I always felt like i had been cheated out of normalcy because they were so much older. Sitting there listening to them plan this and that infuriated me. I felt like my brother and sisters all had it better than me because they got to have more time with them. I know it's selfish but i wouldn't be being honest if i didn't acknowledge the feeling. I guess it's something that i need to overcome.

Well Happy New Year!

It seems to be going ok so far. Actually that's not exactly true. My new year started off sort of rough.. turbulent even. I went through a period of time where i couldn't seem to get ahold of anything! I mean I was just out of control... frustrated... angry... you name it. TONS of negativity. That seems to have passed somewhat but even now I still feel a bit on edge. Not really sure why though. I haven't heard anyone else mention anything similar so I guess it's just me.

School started recently and that seems like it's going to be ok this semester. Teachers seem like they might actually teach me something which is refreshing since I haven't had much of a challenge since I started there. I mean it's nice to have a great GPA but a bit of knowledge would be nice as well.

2003 is going to be all about focusing on my goals. Which would be fine if I knew what they were. I think that the ones that are obvious will be easiest... get a house, finish school... but the less tangible ones will be a lot more difficult - find a career, get a good paying job... things like that won't be so easy.

I'm also going to work on getting some more friends and being more independent. I feel like I am slowly but surely tightening a noose around brooks' neck and I don't think it's much fun for either of us...so i will try to give him more space.

Needless to say, this should be an interesting year.