Tuesday, March 30, 2004


Funerals

I'm supposed to be at a funeral today, but i won't be able to make it. My life is too emotionally exhausting right now to say the least and I don't think I could take it. I can honestly say that I am probably on my way to a breakdown. But for some reason, that doesn't bother me... i'm envisioning lots of bed rest and maybe even some allergy medicine... and that brings me to today's topic: mental health

I am really starting to believe all the stereotypical comments about how black folks view mental illness. For whatever reason, it seems like black folks don't think you can be truly sick unless you have some sort of physical pain or drop dead. Perhaps that's why we continue to consume foods that we are told are bad for us and put lots of crap into our bodies... because i mean it hasn't killed you yet so it must be ok, right? I don't know a single black person that doesn't know someone who suffered from a stroke, heart attack, kidney failure, diabetes, heart disease and any number of other preventable diseases... but they still eat the same foods because I guess it can't happen to them.

Now switch that to mental illness. Statistics say that most people experience depression at some point in their lives. It goes deeper than just a feeling of sadness... it's more like utter helplessness. I'm sure someone out there reading this is thinking, "just suck it up and get over it." I'm just curious why people think it's that easy? what makes anyone think that people want to lay around feeling helpless, unable to sleep or stay awake, no sex drive, and the desire to cry at the most inopportune times... yeah that's loads of fun.

On top of that the medicine is a joke. I mean on the one hand, it gives you the ability to drag yourself out of bed and go out and do things that you need/have to do. But if you stop taking it, they damn near hafta put you on suicide watch. A side effect of anti-deppressent medication should not be suicidal thoughts.

Of course mental illness goes deeper than depression. When i was a psychology major, my favorite class was abnormal psychology. The first week of the class was focused on determining the meaning of the word "crazy". For every definition we through out, the teacher refuted it with a more appropriate term. The purpose of the exercise was to show that calling a person "crazy" with it's negative connotation was actually just an elitest attempt to cover up for one's own insecurities. when i look at the times I've called folks crazy, i realize that's true.

Another thing i learned in that class is that no one is exempt from some sort of "abnormal" psychological behavior. Whether it be mild or pronounced every single person is a bit maladjusted. My friend KG and I would spend countless hours analyzing our friends and ourselves and the results were quite interesting. The most interesting phenomenon revolves around the self destructive actions of most young people. Unhealthy eating, dangerous sexual activity, etc.

From childhood i have known i was different, crazy if you will. But i don't see a problem with it. The truth of the matter is that I am a highly intelligent, extremely observant individual. I pay attention to everything that goes on around me and I tend to know more about people then they know about themselves. Contrary to popular belief, i'm not arrogant about this gift. In fact, I don't even acknowledge it most times. I just sit back and let people dig their own ditches. Sometimes i purposely call people out on things just to see how their thought process works. It's really interesting stuff. My psychologist gave me the greatest insight into my "craziness". She said, "you are a perfectly well adjusted individual. You have above average intelligence and the good sense not to use it too often." I think that sums me up nicely.

Monday, March 29, 2004


Coming of Age

Last week was somehow the best and worst week of my life. On the one hand there was a death in our family of an individual that i was fairly close to. My aunt had been fighting a losing battle with heart disease and diabetes both brought on by a poor diet for most of her life. She was never a big woman but excessive sodium and refined sugars took an obvious toll. But she was in a lot of pain so i hope that she is finally at rest. My mother has taken it pretty hard. She is one of 8 children and there are only two of them that are still living. Everytime she loses a sibling she makes a "joke" about it almost being her time. Needless to say that's rough on me.

At the same time that all this was happening, i was accepted at one of the top 5 law schools in this region. I was honestly shocked. Although this means that it is HIGHLY unlikely that i will be able to leave the area, it also means that i will have an opportunity to attend a reputable school and to make the most of the experience. It sucks that i won't get the opportunity to go away but the plan now is to buy a house in an up and coming neighborhood. Get a loan to fix it up. Keep it for the three years i'm in school. Sell it after i graduate for hopefully 2 to 3 times more, use the loot to pay off the house, make a dent in the student loans, cop a car, and put a significant downpayment on a bigger crib.

Hopefully all of that will work out... and who knows, maybe 3 years from now i'll be heading out west.

Friday, March 26, 2004


R-E-S-P-E-C-T

As I start to move forward with a new phase in my life I am determined not to make the same painful mistakes. It all seems to boil down to respect. Everyone demands it, no one gives it... Etc.

There's a lot you can tell about people from two major things. First off is the level of respect they give their mother and father. If he yells at his mom, he won't respect you. If she's babied by her daddy she'll epect the same from all men. Second is how that person treats their friends. Do they sell out on friend for the sake of looking important to another? Or do they lead a secret life and not include their friends? Or do they go out of their way to be there for their friends and try to make them happy?
Keep an eye on these people... For real.

Sunday, March 14, 2004


If nobody better wants me, I'll give you a call


That's what waitlist letters sound like: We've looked over all these apps, and we've admitted the people we really want here. However, they're really smart and a certain percent of them will probably get offers elsewhere. So, we're gonna ask you to submit a letter, begging us to accept you. After some of the people that we really want, reject us, we'll call you and tell you that you are now lucky enough to be accepted at a school that really didn't want you to begin with.

I was waitlisted at two schools yesterday (Brooklyn Law and Temple) and I have a feeling that the rest of the letters will be more of the same. I don't know if my pride is going to let me accept a position on these waitlists. I mean if they were my first choice schools, then yes. i would be flying out there to hand them the letter in person, but the reality of it is, in order to attend either school, i'd need a significant scholarship and without an outright acceptance, i don't think that'll be an option.

For the most part i think i'm taking it ok. But any letter that doesn't start out with "Congratulations" stings, just a bit.

Saturday, March 13, 2004


The Future's So Bright...

I am on the verge of greatness. There i said it. I have spent my life (for the most part) trying my damndest to help others. It started off with helping my brother when i was younger and it has progressed significantly from there and i love it. I have come to realize that i am my parents' child. I get my affection and temper from my father. That man is capable of feeling every emotion, i learned love from him and i am greatful. For all the dirt i've done in the search for love, i can only imagine what it would have been like had i not had my dad there to show me what a real man was. My mother is a bit different... she's not affectionate. In fact it is only recently that she has started to communicate to me how much she loves me. I know that her lack of affection has formed my ability to make friends with females (that and the fact that she told me to stay away from all females), but she gave me a gift that i will always be grateful for.

My mother always taught me that i am nothing if i don't help someone else to acheive their goals. My sole purpose on God's earth is to help others. Needless to say, our views on religion are different, but i have never forgotten those lessons. My whole family knows that my brother's learning disability prevents him from learning to read, but no one ever discouraged me from trying to help him. when my friends had problems, i was the one who stayed up late to listen. I have always been ostracized for my attempts to befriend those who were unpopular and alienated for sticking up for the kids that were bullied. I was the first one to volunteer to tutor other students, help out with the canned food drive, mentor younger students, and anything else that needed to be done.

My parents were born and raised in DC. Neither graduated from high school. Although my mother went back and eventually got her GED and even took a couple college classes, they are basically people that worked hard and created their own american dream. They bought their first house 30 some years ago and have lived there ever since. They gave everything they could to make sure that their kids had the tools they needed to be good people and that our dreams were always within our reach, sometimes at the expense of their own dreams. There are places that my parents wanted to travel to that they will never see. There are things that they want to own that they will never have. But my mommy says she has something far better. She has four beautiful children, 4 beautiful grandchildren, and two great grandchildren. We have never been in any real trouble, never strayed too far and never done anything too terrible (can you tell that i'm the one that ruined the perfect record of my brother and sisters?)

Like i said, I'm on the verge of greatness and i owe that all to them. They made me who i am and i will always do my best to make sure that i make them proud. I will follow my dreams and achieve the things that they worked so hard to ensure that i could achieve. I might not follow the path they want or expect, and that's ok with them. They just want my happiness and success and that's what I'm doing. I will use the emotion and compassion that my father gave me to be a good friend, wife and mother. I will try to use the temper he gave me sparingly :) I will use my mother's dedication to service to help others to acheive their dreams, and her sense of humor to keep it all together.

I'm on the verge of greatness because they made me, and i will reach that point for them.

I love you.

Thursday, March 11, 2004


Mo is back...

All that drug free stuff is out the window. I'm trying a new approach. The "plan" is to take my medicine, as scheduled, in an attempt to "fix" the stuff that's wrong with me. I'm also doing a lot of self improvement stuff (meditation, trying to eat better, etc) and i'll probably be starting a fast when i get back from vacation. I'm also reading just about every book there is about getting ready for law school... oh and I'm studying for the GMAT (can you say never satisfied?)

I'm actually glad i've started pushing myself. I slacked my way through grade school, high school and college. This is my last chance to do it right and to actually be proud of myself with no regrets, i'm not letting anything mess this up. A huge part of my self improvement involves taking a long hard look at myself and figuring out who i really am. I have always invested too much into what other people think of me, only to look back and realize that they were very wrong. As a matter of fact, i don't think that anyone has ever consistently had an accurate image of me, some come very close, and some are just wrong as hell. It's laffable actually, but this isn't about them, it's about me. I just continue to meditate and try to find the strength to deal with the situation i have created for myself.

I spoke to K and he was asking me what happened to "Mo"... come to think of it he's right... I'm not Mo, i'm Monica. Monica's cool, but she's not Mo. My problem is that i try to hard to make everyone happy. Folks don't like Mo... lol she's a little bit cocky... but she's got a big dick so why shouldn't she be? But yeah, that's my new thing, i'm gettin back to Mo. Some folks might get their feelings hurt, but it's time that i start doing this for me.

Monday, March 08, 2004


Fuckin' With My Emotions

So I decided to bite the bullet and call some admissions offices today. My first call was to Temple. I ask about the status of my app and I am told that my decision was mailed on 2/23. I look at the calendar... that was 2 weeks ago. It takes 2 hours to drive from here to Temple... so ummm yeah.

I know why people go postal. It's because the Postal system SUCKS. Yes I said it and i mean it! I have never had a good experience with them and I doubt i ever will.

At any rate, the lady didn't sound too happy about my "decision letter" so I'm bracing for the worst. It's cool though, some folks don't think that i should live in Philly so i'm sure they'll be pleased.

Friday, March 05, 2004


Drug Free Day 2

To put it mildly, i feel like shit. Although I'm not still nauseous, I still have a headache and the slightest thing will make me cry. I'm really not feelin this. I don't want to be a "druggie" but i can't go on feeling like this. I need something in my system and the caffeine and water ain't helping.

That's all... I don't really feel motivated to write anything else.

Tuesday, March 02, 2004


No News is Good News?

So let's see, I still have 10 schools that I'm waiting to hear from. Five acceptances, one rejection and 10 I dunnos... not too bad. Now that things are starting to fall into place, i'm realizing that i have HUGE moves to make shortly and I don't even know where to begin. Brooks and I are supposed to be trying to start working through the logistics tonight and hopefully i'll hear from more schools this week so that I can start making decisions and narrowing things down. I just wish i had all the info in front of me so that i could make an informed decision. i mean there are some schools that i'm not really too interested in what they have to say (i.e. Univ of Richmond) but there are others that i almost NEED to hear from before i can move forward (i.e. Univ of San Francisco). At this point I'm thinking i should send deposits to my top schools and worry about the decisions when i get more info, but of course, that's more money that I don't have....

Ah well, it will all be over soon enough.