SO....
Today is my day.

Looks the same, feels the same. Not really sure what the ripe old age of 27 has in store for me, but I'm sure it'll be interesting. I came to the realization yesterday that I am a truly blessed individual. I have a ton to be thankful for, from good friends, to good family to good health... I just hope that I can make something out of my life.

Failure scares me as much as success does but the truth of the matter is that I am sick and tired of running in these endless circles.

Brooks bought me a Keyboard for my birthday! It's a Yamaha P120S. It felt so good to sit down in front of that keyboard and make music... even if it was just "Chopsticks"... It was still nice to be creative. I love what he brings out in me... it is absolutely amazing.

I guess i need to get my New Years Resolutions in order soon so that I can go ahead and break them!

Happy New Year!

Today's adventure was keeping myself entertained for 8.5 hours with absolutely nothing to do. Actually i had plenty to do today, just no desire or motivation to do it. So, I played scrabble... tons and tons of scrabble. I finally have to face the cold hard truth that my vocabulary sucks!

Sometimes i wonder how many people just sort of humor me... you know the people that really don't care about what you have to say or what you think, but they nod politely and smile in that "special" way that lets you know that their mind is a million miles away. I think i'd rather have someone just say, "look, i'm really not interested in you or what you have to say." Then i could come up with some slick comeback and it would be cool because I had gotten the last laugh.

Sometimes, when you least expect it somthing will happen and send your life in a completely different direction...

That seems to happen to me at least once a day. I spent yesterday at my parents' house with my brother, sisters, neices, nephew, mom, dad and my boyfriend. Most times this would be an unpleasant experience but such was not the case yesterday. Maybe it was the holiday or the fact that we stayed out of each other's way but my dad and i got along and everyone seemed happy to be in each other's presence.

Of course that didn't stop them from teasing me! I became the butt of the joke on many occasions because i basically lack any sort of direction in my life. I am indecisive, i don't finish what i start, i am a scatterbrain. I leave a pile of stuff in one place to go start another elsewhere. It used to be fun to be like that "impulsive, whimsical"... that's how i used to describe myself. Now, i pretty much think that i'm just lost. I don't like being lost. I need direction. i need a goal to acheive something to strive for and that doesn't seem to be happening. The logical thing would be to set a goal for myself and then acheive it, problem is i have absolutely no idea what I want to do.

The result is that I have decided to seek professional help. It's not really a "me" thing to do, but at this point i'm willing to try just about anything.

I NEED A VACATION!

I am finding out the hard way that Sept - Nov are the busiest months for my industry and so I am completely bogged down and overworked. In a way its sort of fun but at the same time it can be VERY frustrating. I like what I do, but I'd much rather do nothing!

At any rate i am in the middle of planning two WONDERFUL vacations. The first will take me to Vegas and LA to see some sights and some people and just relax. The second will take me to either Jamaica or the Dominican Republic for nothing but RELAXATION!!!
It's hard to imagine how badly i am looking forward to this, but with all this madness around me and escape is perfectly in order.

It never ceases to amaze me how important comforting words can be. I think that in times of self doubt we all need to be locked in a room with our closest friends for an intervention of sorts. I thing that its important that we all learn to stop doubting ourselves and start moving forward. I know that it's MUCH easier said than done but i think we'd all be so much better off.

I think that our background and upbringing can really wreck havoc on us following the "right" path for ourselves. I look at my mom and my dad and all that they are and all of their characteristics that i have inherited and i realize that i am in an extreme state of conflict. When I was at home, my mom was amazing! She worked full time, made dinner every night, kept the entire house clean, and always had time for us. Part of me wants to be like her... to be able to provide my future family with all those things... but then there's the other side of me that doesn't see the "big deal" about a family and kids, and that sort of thing. I have a hard time with a boyfriend and two cats, imagine me with kids! I know i measure myself against her and i know that it makes me feel like i am not doing all that i can. The question is, i guess, how do i manage to put all these things together to become a person that i think i want to be?

WTF

Ok so what in the fuck is going on in the world? I would really just like to go to the store, buy my groceries, go to the gas station and pump my gas without tensing up and waiting to be shot! What kind of crap is this that i even have to have a fear of being shot while doing these things. I think that sometimes things get a little bit too out of control for me to comprehend, but i think that this is beyond anyone's comprehension.

What do you call someone who wants to take the LSAT and apply to Law school just to see where they will be accepted? You know i really frighten myself with the emphasis that I place on intelligence. I think that when you spend a lot of your life being shunned and labeled as an outcast, you really try to find a level that you can compete with people on and for me it's brainpower. The problem is, now i'm just competing with myself. It's amazing how out of it i feel now that i am not in school. I mean I'm still studying and learning but there's no structure and that's crazy to me.

I am officially ready to relocate!
However I don't think that my significant other is feeling that decision. Things are a little hectic here in DC... what with people killing people at random and all. I think that maybe "city life" just isn't for me... but I could be wrong... I hope i'm wrong since i'm stuck here for at least a year.

My cats are still around... i think that they are truly derranged. They're still very sweet most of the time but they are a bit maniacal. I am amazed at how boring life is without school. I have all this "free" time. I know that Olga would say that that means that it's time to work on me, but I'm quite boring!

I need a different job. I like what i do, but i want to do something different. I need new friends since none of mine seem to want to be bothered with me... Yeah, I'm in a rut and I'm ready to be out.

Wow...
Has it really been a month!

ok... soooooo... I'm sitting out of school for awhile. Too many obstacles and problems for me to believe that it is where I belong right now. I am the proud new owner of not one but TWO adorable kittens. These are the sweetest creatures I have ever encountered and they are definitely keeping me sane... when they aren't driving me crazy that is.

I don't think that there is too much going on in my life right now. Just wandering thru my existence trying to determine my sense of purpose.. blah blah blah.

Right now my "quest" is to find some friends. You ever wake up and realize that people that you thought you were cool with have completely stopped associating with you, but forgot to tell you? That's about where i am right now. I mean I've always been the "keep in touch" type, but that has gotten pretty old. I'm just going to relax and enjoy the people that seem to want to be bothered.

Also, i think that i am working on establishing a scholarship fund... let me know if you can think of any fund raisers!

Thanks!

You know sometimes i am convinced that i must be the most unusal person in the world. I had the troubling experience of attending a funeral for someone I have only met once. Although i didn't know this person that well, i was pretty emotional at the funeral. It was my boyfriend's grandmother... perhaps my sadness was for those who were mourning. I don't think that I know enough about her to miss "her" as a person, but i saw the effect that she had on these people and I hurt for them. I have never been able to watch people suffer and be sad and upset. I think that I internalize their pain and as a result i ache.

I also think that I need to do more research before i attempt to speak to spirits and to communicate with people. Some people surely do not want to be called upon just because you wish to speak to them. I had a somewhat troubling experience with this last night and I am not sure what to make of it. Perhaps my reasons were self-serving and this was a polite reminder to leave some things alone.

OK...

After much procrastination and so-called deep thought... I am back (although I'm not sure anyone reads this anymore).
I guess I needed some time to think about what I was doing and where I was headed. Olga suggested that I should just think about what I would be doing with my life if there was nothing that I had to do. So I took away work and I took away school and I realized one thing very quickly... In the grand scheme of doing things that I want to do, school is a very big part of that. I apparently will always be a student, I just need to find a much less expensive way to do so. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why it has to be school and not "learning". I think that the reason is that I need to have the himan interaction... I guess that just means that I need to find a discussion group and read a book.

So anyway, we have gotten rid of everything but school. So what's left? ABSOLUTELY nothing... I don't know what I want to do... I don't know what i would do if i didn't have to do the things that i do. So where does this leave me? Confused.

I have come to the decision that I am going to start a school. Just like that right? No, it won't be easy... it'll probably take some serious time, but i think the rewards will be worth it. I've decided to get my masters in accounting and financial management while getting my second bachelors in psychology and education. I've been recruiting people left and right, picking their brains, seeing what ideas they have... not really getting anywhere yet, but we'll get there!!!!!

What do I want to do with my life?

i'm not really sure why that question seems to be haunting me these days. The truth of the matter is that i have no idea what I want to do with my life. Different thoughts and ideas come and go, but nothing seems to stick...

I guess it's time to get more focused. I am at that point in the cycle of my life where I need to find some sense of direction and purpose. My friend Olga has found her way to Europe... Just up and left. And i am THRILLED for her! But at the same time I am somewhat disappointed in myself. I have always seen myself as someone who lived for the moment, who did things on a whim... but these days i don't feel so cool. I guess i am going through a quarter-life crisis... and damn is it frustrating. I was talking to my best friend and he was basically going through the same thing... although it's comforting to have someone to talk to and share this with, it doesn't make it any easier.
When I look back on my life i have soooo many regrets. I should have done this, i should have not done that. It's all so frustrating. I see so many people around me running from their mistakes, looking for solace in other things - school, money, relationships, drugs, alcohol. I don't want to be like that. I want to look back on my life and have no regrets and know that I did it on my own, without having "needed" anything!

*sigh*

When does this cycle end? I'm tired of bitching.

I don't like people that talk too much.

From bad to badder

Yes, i am perfectly aware of the incorrect grammar in the above statement. Now ask me if i care. For those of you who do not know it, I am in a bad mood today. Why you ask... or maybe you didn't but anyway...
I found out that i am taking a 5% pay cut and i spent the day arguing with the love of my life.

Can't we all just...

Slow down?

As I made my way onto the metro this morning to make my normal morning commute, i was sufficiently jostled by a guy that had to get on before me. I figured that this guy must have really wanted a seat but he pushed past me, only to stand in the doorway and leave even less room for all the people that he had just pushed past, to get onto the train. That incident, hardly the first of it's kind, made me realize how much people rush. No one wants to be the last one off the train, no one wants to be the last one across the street. Everything is a rush. Do we wonder why we're so stressed... We bring it on ourselves. When was the last time these people stopped rushing and enjoyed the world? And where in the hell are they rushing to? The same people i see rushing around in the morning on the way to work, are rushing away from work at night. And why do the same people rush everyday? Why not just leave the house five minutes earlier? And why am I punished because you're late. I'm sorry, Mr. Rushy, but your rushiness does not give you the right to push or shove me out of your way. I am not in a rush, i got up on time, and even if i didn't i'm not going to rush. These people look at me and I am sure they think that i am lazy... Interesting concept for the "Rushies" When will American's realize that the finish line is not the ultimate goal... All you're rushing to is the end... and once you reach the end it's over and you've missed everything. These are the people that take their laptops on "vacation" and do work from the beach... WHAT KIND OF MADNESS IS THAT? Being on the beach is not what makes it a vacation. I think that we all need to take a collective deep breath. Open our eyes and look around. We have been given so many gifts that it seems so foolish to walk past them.

I don't like people who rush... i needed to get that out there. Thank you!

I think I'm going to go to law school. You know I really wish that i had done the college thing a lot faster. That would have freed me up to do this stuff now. Now I feel like i'm just putting off so much other stuff that I want to do with my life! *SIGH* WILL I EVER FIND DIRECTION!?!?!?!?

Who would have thought that it would take so long to complete this!!!!

37. I love to cook
38. I am a compulsive learner
39. I don't like shopping
40. Except grocery shopping
41. I only like to cook for other people
42. Usually, if i am by myself I won't eat
43. I am a very nuturing person
44. I get the nurturing from my mom and my cooking from my dad
45. I am very proud of what my neices and nephews have accomplished
46. I have a nephew that lives in Saudi Arabia that I miss dearly
47. I wish I could sing
48. I don't see the purpose in capitalizing the letter "I"
49. Money is not important to me
50. Happiness means everything to me
51. I wish I was smarter
52. I am extremely self-concious about my weight
53. I make jokes about it to make it easier to deal with
54. I like to be outside
55. My favorite seasons are spring, fall and winter (in that order)
56. I hate the summer
57. I love sunflowers and roses
58. I think that in general people take themselves too seriously
59. I also think that people take life too seriously
60. I think that "God" has a great sense of humor and a lot of the things he "does" to us is to remind us not to take life too seriously
61. I like to hear live music
62. I wish my boyfriend was more affectionate
63. I am afraid to get married and have kids
64. I don't like it when strangers invade my "personal space"
65. Strangers feel compelled to talk to me and my mother all the time
66. Homeless people in the park near my job, smile at me when I walk by
67. One homeless woman told me that only I could help her find her way
68. I had a dream about her that night and told her the next day and haven't seen her since
69. I tend to be reunited with people in my dreams about a week before it happens in "real life"
70. I don't believe that love can conquer all
71. I am the most pessimistic optimist in the world
72. I love the water
73. I don't understand how airplanes stay in the air
74. I love my family
75. I think that everyone should be listened to
76. I don't think that enough people listen to me
77. I wish I had the courage to say what was on my mind a lot of times
78. I also wish I had the intelligence to bite my tongue sometimes
79. I want to go to law school in 2005
80. I don't want to be a lawyer
81. I don't like to study
82. I'm not a particularly good student
83. I'm glad I went to an all-girl's high school
84. I want to relocate but I don't know where
85. I have bad credit
86. I'm too silly most of the time
87. I don't walk well in heels
88. I am a conspiracy theorist
89. I love the Power Puff Girls
90. I am thinking about trying out for the NWFL (National Women's Football League)
91. Sexism sucks!
92. I wish I was more of an activist
93. I spend too much time trying to get the people I know involved in causes
94. I think that most of the people I know are not involved enough in causes
95. It bothers me when people don't watch the news because "it's always bad"
96. I don't like people that try to avoid reality
97. I hate when people don't vote because "one vote doesn't make a difference" (tell that to Al Gore)
98. I think that the Pres had a LOT to do with Sept 11 and that's why he had to make sure he was in office
99. I'm tired of the media not reporting the news.
100. I think that everyone should read "Stupid White Men"

100 things about me

Ok, I've seen it on other people's sites but I never thought I'd do it myself. But with July 1st comes a new sort of introspective type thing so here goes nothing:

1. I like to laugh
2. I'm emotional
3. I like to paint
4. I like to write poems
5. I wish I had more patience
6. My biggest fear is death
7. I know that I am my biggest critic
8. I hate phony people
9. I hate negativity
10. I hate to see people that are not smiling
11. I used to be a compulsive liar
12. I believe in past lives
13. I am STRONG believer in Karma
14. I like to make people laugh
15. I was never popular
16. I like to be alone fairly often
17. I am arrogant about my intelligence
18. I have very limited patience for people that I considered to be less intelligent than me
19. I hate that about myself
20. I wish that I was easier to get along with
21. I often wonder why I am difficult to get along with
22. My eyes are my favorite feature
23. Followed closely by my dimples
24. The most painful thing for me to admit is that I have disappointed my parents far too many times
25. I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years
26. With a crack addict
27. I wish I had more people in my life that I could relate to
28. I find it difficult to make friends
29. But once I do I hold on to them for as long as I can
30. I love being hugged
31. I crave affection in the same way that some people crave drugs
32. I'm not really that into sex
33. I like the taste of beer
34. My mother went 3 years without telling me she loved me
35. My father is suffering from a severe case of dimentia that came about suddenly
36. Sometimes he doesn't recognize me

Have you ever gotten the feeling that you lack "true" direction? I think that i have changed my path so many times that I have lost sight of what it is that I truly love. So here i am 26 years old, trying to hold on to what i truly enjoy. Ok here's the problem. I want to be rich. Although this is not a problem in itself, it somewhat contradicts my other two desires: I want to help people and I want to be involved with the music industry. How in the world do you tie these things together? Right now my biggest thrill is trying to gain access to sold out concerts... that's it. I go to work and send out emails to try to get into these shows that are otherwise closed to the public... why? Presumably to feel important. or maybe for the love of the music. I'm not really sure. I just know that I always wanted to be one of those people that was always where the action was... so now i'm living that life. How in the world can I find direction?

Oh yeah and I also got to meet an Olympian and see a real live gold medal... pretty cool!

You know the thing I like most about my new job is the people that stop by to visit. For those that don't know what it is that I do here's the quick version. I work at a speaker's bureau. When people throw conferences and want experts on certain topics or specific people we book 'em and take a cut :)
My job is to make sure all of the logistics (i.e. travel, hotel, etc) get taken care of. soooo....

Yesterday the FLying Fish guys from Seattle stopped by. In my opinion, these guys are absolutely great! They basically "decided" that they were going to become "World Famous" and it hapened. The cool thing about it is they didn't sit down and write out a plan to be famous, they just started treating people in a "world famous" way and it happened. One of the guys said something like, "When you commit to something, the Universe aligns to make it happen" How GREAT is that. So that's how I'm living my life. I don't want to be world famous but I want to acheive a lot of other things that are completely possible!

On top of that, my plants are growing (and so is my hair)!

Isn't life grand?!?!?!

I think that inadequacy has to be the thing that I am most unable to deal with. That is something that I honestly truly cannot stand. i hate to feel inadequate. I think that I have spent so much of my time dealing with situations where I have been told that I wasn't good enough that I have managed to internalize that and that is VERY destructive.

I need to figure out how to build me up and realize my worth!

I'm starting over again. Reinventing myself... again.

I am changing schools... rethinking my path... thinking about new things... and tiring myself out.
You know I am starting to realize how wonderful my significant other (he hates the term 'boyfriend') truly is. I called him... no i sent a frantic email to him begging him for help on getting into a school... without hesitation he made sure I had everything i needed...
I love that guy!

You know, one thign that I hate the most about me is that no matter how upbeat I try to remain, there are times when I get down on myself and it seems to take forever for me to shake it. I remember that there was a time when i seemed to have friends all over the place. Now I have a few, none of which ever really bother to call or visit or email.. I mean hell I could be dead and I don't think some of them would notice. I used to feel like it was my duty to keep in touch with folks, to call and check in... now i pretty much have a "Fuck em" mentality... Is that harsh? Probably. But how many years do you work at a one sided relationship? I feel like if people want to be bothered they'll let me know, and the ones that reach out to me I reach out to as well. I am a firm believer in karma. I think that i have a good soul and i believe that that entitles me to good things. By wasting time on things that don't provide me with the good, I'm wasting karma... so fuck it.

I know that I probably seem pretty negative right now, but that's just what I'm feeling, I can't and I won't apologize for my feelings. I'm tired of people hurting me and making me feel guilty for their short comings. I'm over that... Let them deal with their own karma.

Do people miss me when I don't blog? I think I was on Jeff's page where I was reading that sometimes a blog can get so addictive that you find yourself almost missing someone when they don't blog. I guess I feel like I'm letting people down when I don't. I think that there are about 5 people that actually read this thing and I try my best to keep them posted on my life....

What kinds of people blog? I don't mean that in a condescending way or anything, I'm just genuinely curious. I mean I know who I am and why I choose to put my thoughts here, but what about everyone else. I think that more people should do it, I think that EVERYONE should. LOL

This long weekend was exactly what I needed. I spent quite a bit of quality time with my boyfriend and we had a blast just enjoying each other's company. Well I did, he might be absolutely sick of me by now but ahhh well. When I decided to start this blog, I said that this would be only about me and if someone else made their way into it it would be because of something that had to do with me. I also said that I would keep extremely personal stuff out or at least avoid the specifics, so I guess that sometimes I worry that I am not being completely honest. I mean I talk about how great things are between my boyfriend and I but when the bad times come up I disappear. Although I have nothing right now I must tell the truth, WE FIGHT LIKE CATS AND DOGS!!!! But that doesn't bother me. See I think a lot of people think that arguing in a relationship is bad. I don't think that's necessarily the case, I think it has more to do with the nature of the argument and how it's resolved.

There are those people who would rather keep their feelings to themselves for fear of upsetting their partner, there are those who would rather not argue for fear of losing their partner. To me that is absolutely RIDICULOUS. I mean if you aren't comfortable expressing yourself to the person you are with, isn't it time to figure something out or to move on?

Day 2

Of my job that is and to be honest I really think that I will like it there. The stuff that I have learned so far is actually pretty interesting and best of all I have a sense of purpose... I mean I'm needed. That's definitely a change from my old job. Where I was barely recognized much less needed.

That reminds me, can someone please explain racism and sexism to me? I mean what in the hell is that really about? I mean there are a lot of things that rub me the wrong way, but this one is especially bad because I just don't get it. I guess that on the one hand it shouldn't be something that I want to understand but at the same time I feel like I HAVE to understand it or the world just won't make sense to me.

On a much scarier note, I think I am becoming paranoid. I mean I know that may seem strange for a person who opens up their lives and thoughts to strangers on the Internet, but I'm serious. I am really starting to be afraid of everything. Being alone in the house, being around people, walking down the street, driving, etc. I am 99.99% positive that it is a manifestation of something else, problem is I don't know what...

Me

A pretty deep conversation that I had with someone the other night made me realize some pretty important things about myself. The main thing is that I am a great big fraidy cat :(

I have fears of so many things that I ultimately have absolutely no control over. I think the thing that bothered me the most about it is that I have gotten so good at hiding these fears that it really irks me to see them surface. I am not quite sure how I should deal with these issues or how to overcome them but I know that it needs to be done.

Another thing that made me really give my life a lot of thought is the relationship that I am currently in. Most people who know me understand my issues in relationships and how my past has affected/warped that view. So now that I have a "good" thing, I think my biggest fear in the world is losing it. I know that it is natural to feel uneasy at times and to worry that a relationship won't last but my problem is that I don't seem to be able to enjoy the here and now without worrying about a future that may or may not happen and over which I have no control.

So I went to this show last night, and I was having the time of my life and things were going generally well. No 6'8" person had stood in front of me, no obnoxious drunks were spilling beer on me, my ex and my current boyfriend were getting along, it was great...
UNTIL
I'm not sure when the makeup of the crowd changed or when shit just went wrong but all of a sudden these kids (and I call them kids because they had the big NO DRINKING X on their hands) start acting a fool. Now I guess one of their grownup friends was sneaking them alcohol or something because they were obviously drunk. So all of a sudden they start doing the whole pushing thing. Which was cool at first because they were confined to their little kiddie area but of course it started to spill over and things start to escalate.

So the kids start yelling about how they're repping "Harlem World" and how no one can fuck with them. Now first and foremost let me explain some things. First of all, we're in DC. Second of all, of all the places I've been to in NY, Harlem doesn't particularly impress me. Third of all, this is a Kweli concert... you know conscious, thought-provoking, etc. The song that they were pushing each other to was Halftime by Nas who, Oh by the way, is from Queens. So these kids are repping Harlem to a song by a cat from Queens at a concert with a headliner that speaks out against these same ignorant assholes. On top of this, my man is really not the tolerant type so he's getting frustrated espeecially since he's from NY and not particularly impressed with Harlem either especially since it's pretty obvious that most of these kids wouldn't dare pull this shit in "Harlem World BABY".

Needless to say that pretty much put a damper on my night, but I still managed to have fun. I ran into quite a few folks that I know and of course I got to see one of my fave rappers. Hopefully this weekend will be somewhat productive, I have a lot of stuff to do and not a lot of time to do it...

You know the worst thing about two weeks notice? You spend two weeks bored out of your noggin trying to be helpful and realizing that most of your coworkers have become resentful and have marked you off the "be nice" list. So here I sit incredibly bored and trying to figure out what I can do to pass the time.

What about work? Why on Earth would i want to do that? I'll find something better than that I'm sure. I hope...

What a wonderful weekend. I had genuine fun. Nothing really spectacular, but just fun! I need more of that in my life. I definitely need to learn to let the stress go at the end of the week and move on to fun at 5pm on Friday's! I have decided that I really want to develop some sort of musical abilty which is probably going to be a little difficult at this point in my life but hey you don't know if you don't try. I think that watching my boyfriend play the guitar (or watching him teach himself to play) has made me painfully aware of the fact that I claim to be very artistic and creative but I'm not acting on that and that sucks. I think that the worst thing you can do is to let a gift or a talent go to waste.

At any rate I will be working on my piano playing abilities and I was told that by the time we turn 50 we'll have a blues band. I think that after 25 yrs or so of being together singing the blues shouldn't be much of a problem.

Me

I think I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what's wrong with me I was visiting Paige's Blog and some things struck a nerve with me. I realize that I spend a lot of time asking for and/or demanding attention. At first i used to go with the whole I'm just spoiled thing but is that really "acceptable"? I think that my problem is that I always expect people to give me what I give them whether it be attention, time, love or foot massages. Trouble is not everyone is me thank God so not everyone is going to do what I do and I can't judge them as "bad" because they aren't like me, that's not fair to them. I think that sometimes I set impossible standards for people because I have to feel like they don't like me... That sounds crazy but it's like my own self esteem issues make it hard for me to imagine that people like me, so I make sure they don't (thanks Paige for the insight). The question is how do you go from years of distrust and low self esteem to being able to understand that people do like you and that you don't have to constantly push them away?

I GOT THE JOB!
I guess I haven't been around much the last few days, but I've been kinda nervously waiting to hear about this job. I think have a bad habbit of "jinxing" myself out of things. The funny thing is that I have so much more faith in other people's powers than I do my own. I called Olga on Friday to tell her about the interview and she says "That's a very good thing," at that point I knew I had it. I know that sounds crazy but that's just how I am about some things. I feel like everyone is more in touch with their "psychic" side and I'm just going out on the first date with mine! At any rate I start my new job on the 20th of May so for now I will be the slave/lackey here for the next two weeks :(

Death and Life

I was sitting in my Quants class last night thinking about death (yes it is THAT bad). At any rate I figured out a way to think about death... Its like a pop quiz in a class where a teacher tells you that there will be a pop quiz. Its like you know its coming one day... you don't know when, you don't know now hard it will be... but its gonna come. We all secretly hope that the teacher forgets about it, but we know it's gonna come. The thing is it doesn't have to be something we dread. I mean we could prepare for it everyday, by doing what it takes to make sure we're prepared. Unfortunately too many people put off doing the "right" things until its too late.

Think about life like this... There is going to be a pop quiz. It's going to test everything you have learned. You will stand in front of your teacher and be asked to show whether or not you "got it". I'm not trying to be preachy here. I'm just trying to convince people that now is the time to study!!!

You know i recently started saying hello to strangers. You would be amazed at how many shocked smiles you get. It feels good...

Capricorn: You spend way too much of your energy taking care of others. Of course, it isn't bad to have such devotion to causes that concern all of us. But on the other hand, dear dear Capricorn, you and you alone are not responsible for all the unhappiness in the world. Take care of your own interests first to balance out your usual behavior...

So today my horoscope is the story of my life. Problem is, i don't really know how to take care of my own interests. I think that I have spent so much time tending to others that I forgot about me and who I am. I don't assert myself NEARLY enough. I think that I have come to realize, that a lot of people quite frankly don't like me. Or rather, they wouldn't like me if they knew me. Sometimes I look at who I am and who I pretend to be and I become very angry with myself. People have decided to place me in a neat little package and I've stayed there. Well that sucks. But these are the people that I have become close to, the ones I care about. How can I let go of this imagethey have of me and keep them around.

Of course there's the question of why you'd want to keep them around. Truth is a lot of them I could care less about... the leeches... the ones that are all "me me me"..."love me"... "pay attention to me" I don't need any of that in my life because those are the same ones that only ask about my life out of nosiness or politeness or only bother to communicate when its convenient. Those people can kiss my ass up and down (you know who you are). But those people that I do care about... I like having them around. I like what they bring into my life and what they help me to realize about myself. Its just that everytime "me" comes out, it gets ugly. So what do I do? Sit around and take crap? Let people lie to my face. Believe the false world that is placed before me? Or do I show my true colors and end up alone?

Happy B-day Leena and Kevin!

I apologize for not posting earlier today. I know how some of you get. At any rate. I think that today has been one of the most amazing days of my life... but i'm not sure yet so I won't go into details. At any rate even if things aren't quite what they appear, I love the way it felt today and the idea that these things are possible makes me an even stronger believer in the strength of the mind.

A wise friend that I discovered is truly my younger (and wiser) spiritual sister. She's the one that helped me to see that I am the one that is in control of this life of mine. Hell she even sent me a Christmas/B-day present of an amazing book. Even though I think she gave me the book to show me she wasn't a quack it has made a huge difference (even though I took too long to read it). Thank you, Olga.

When I decided to quit my job, I had a ton of anxiety about how things would get done. I was scared to death, but ever since I made the decision, things have just been "right". I'm not suggesting that anyone run out and quit their job. I will say this though...

Sometimes the "right" way to do things isn't what's best for you. Sometimes you have to do things a little bit differently to make yourself happy. I love my parents to death, but I don't want to be them. I know they worked very hard to get everything they have and to give me all that they could and I love and respect them for it. But I can't follow that path, working myself to death, still just barely making ends meet, I want to be able to enjoy everyday... look at the flowers, the stars, the fish EVERYTHING! And I can't do that sitting on the other side of this computer all day. So I am taking a different path.

Please, find your inner strength and use it to find your path!!!

AND BE FREE!!!!

Getting the Milk for Free

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday about, among other things, living together before marriage. I'm not naive by any stretch of the imagination. I know that females are practically bred to seek out marriage and family and boys are taught to avoid it like the plague. He made an interesting point that he heard "Don't get married" far more often than he heard "Don't do drugs". That comment stung. I mean what are we being taught is important and what isn't? Why do guys tend to look at marriage as giving up stuff while females view it as gaining? Why do guys look at it as "why the rush?" and females see it as "why the wait?"

I understand that this is not characteristic of all males but i would say that this is true of the VAST majority of the population... But WHY? He made a comment that if things are going good, why change something and risk ruining it. I guess I feel that once you have chosen to give a high level of commitment to someone and determined that this is the person you plan to be with, there's really no need to wait. I think that a lot of guys don't realize that women tend to take a lot of slack for shacking up. I mean look at the saying "why would he buy the cow if he gets the milk for free?" Trust me I have MANY issues with that one (esp the cow part) but that right there says a lot about the value that society has placed on the woman. I mean we too are sexual beings... are we not getting a little free milk too? Has anyone EVER said that to a guy? Why should she buy the hen when she's getting the eggs for free?" I'm willing to bet that the answer is no. And then that brings up another issue... Let's say we stop giving away the milk... is there not another heifer out there that's more than willing to have her udder fiddled with?

I think that people (yes men and women) need to stop and look around at the people they know and the people they've come across and then look at the person you're with. If you look at that person and think, you know maybe there's someone else out there, then by all means WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT. But if you look at that person and realize that this is who you have travelled a lifetime to find... then make it official.

(Disclaimer: These are only my thoughts, it is in no way an attempt to call any individual into action. This is just my little old opinion!)

National Credit Education Week
Nat'l Minority Cancer Awareness Week
Astronomy Week
Young People's Poetry Week
Consumer Awareness Week

This is a pretty busy week... You might ask why in the heck I bothered to give that info... Well I've been feeling like I'm not giving enough back.. I mean I give back to my friends but that tends to lead to a lot of slaps in the face and feelings of unappreciatedness. So, I've decided to try to find a cause that actually appreciates what I have to offer. I figured I'd pass the information along so that I can hopefully inspire others to service...

The job hunt proceeds. Nothing really happening but I'm not worried because I honestly know that I will be ok.

This morning the sun shined on me in the most amazing way... I'm not sure how I can explain it but it was almost as if I could feel all the strength inside of me and all the creativity waiting to come to the forefront. I hope... no I KNOW that I am headed in the right direction and it's just a matter of time before i realize my purpose. The anticipation makes me giddy... I feel like my birthday and christmas are both tomorrow... I feel like I'm planning a surprise party... All rolled up into one. Its simply amazing and i love everyone who has brought me here.

Thank you all!

So you guys can post what you hate but not what you love? You suck
Anyway lookie here people, I need a job Ok? Plain and simple I need a job. I need this job asap because i am going to resign from my job in two weeks. I have decided that. I am handing in my letter of resignation on the 29th of April and that's gonna be that. I think that my "security blanket" of a job is preventing me from doing whatever it is I need to be doing... Hopefully I won't be sitting around like an asshole in a month, but someone once said that sometimes you have to just let go and trust that things will be ok.

Mondays!

Ok since we bitched and moaned thru Fridays, let's use Monday to talk about things that we like so that we can make it thru the week Shall we?

At any rate i had a WONDERFUL weekend. Lots of special stuff ; )

So lets start with the things we like!

Fridays!!!

You know I love Fridays, but I'm not really sure why. Somewhere along the way my age caught up with me and changed me from a club regular to a "homebody" (YUCK). So now I look forward to Fridays as a time to just relax. The part that sucks is that when I do decide that I want to go out no one else seems to want to go with me!

Pet peeve #39859275987

People who want attention but rather than just say "Hey look at me" (Like I do) They laugh loudly or make noise so that you ask them what is going on. I HATE THAT. Don't they know that by doing that they take away from me and my attention? The nerve.

So, I'm debating now whether or not I should keep my hair short or go for the big ANGELA DAVIS 'fro. I think that would be hot! I mean its no secret that I'm a little bit militant, but wouldn't that just be great for JOB INTERVIEWS!!!! They would love me! I don't think I'm ready for locs yet although I compulsively twist my hair now just because I can.

While I'm talking about things that I hate, I hate the fact that my cat has an "off-kilter" sense of time. The alarm usually goes off around 5:30 at which point one of us gets up and lets him in the room so he can look out the window... ANYWAY, he decides that 3am = 5:30 and starts meowing outside the door and will not stop. Then he comes in and gets upset that there are no birds to watch and sets out to terrorize me.... I didn't appreciate that and if he's reading this I want him to QUIT IT!

On that note, I would like to make Friday's the OFFICIAL Bitch and Moan day! So, tell me what you hate, what pisses you off and what drives you crazy! PLEASE let me know that I am not the only person bothered by little stuff. Check the comments I'll even start this one off!

Thanks for the responses to the previous post. I have one more "love" question and then I'm done. If "real" love is unconditional and you love someone for what they do for you, can your love be unconditional since they could stop doing those things at any time?

You know, I promised myself I wouldn't do a "mushy" post. That I would NEVER use this space t odeclare my undying love for anyone or anything... but...

I just have to say that I am probably the luckiest woman in the world. I have been truly blessed with someone who I can trust completely, tell everything to, be honest with, and love unconditionally, and I get all that and more in return.

So to keep in line with the mushy content I have a question to propose. What makes you love someone? Do you love them for who they are or what they do for you? Can you truly love someone who doesn't love you in return?

Lemme know what you think!!!
EVERYONE MUST RESPOND TO THIS POST OR RISK THE FURY OF MO!!!!!!

Pet Peeve #234824908

Nicknames...
When does it become ok for people to call you by a nickname? When is it ok for people to decide on a nick name for you without consulting you? A long time ago a friend started calling me Mo... It never bothered me, actually I liked it. Now, EVERYONE calls me Mo. But "Mon" that's always been a family name and now the folks at work are jumpin on the bandwagon (presumably because of "Friends") but I REALLY don't feel comfortable with that. How do I say that and still be that sweet loving girl that they have come to know and love?!?!?

I think I'm kinda bummed out today. My coworker has had her kids kidnapped by her ex husband. I'm not sure of everyone's religious/spiritual convictions, but please keep her and her situation in your thoughts.

Hearing her talk about her life with him brought back a lot of memories for me. I honestly feel sorry for people who feel the need to abuse others. I think that it comes from their feeling of a lack of control. I don't know how else to explain it. I mean it's like they can't control their own lives so they seek others that they can dominate. The weirdest thing about it is that they always seem to pick the strongest appearing people to dominate. I guess it kind of gives them a rush. I like to think of myself as a pretty strong person but my experiences would make many think otherwise. One of my best friends and I were sitting around analyzing people and seeing how people handle things differently. Its amazing how almost everyone I know is some sort of control freak and how much people hate being out of control. I think that finding your power will put you in control of so many great things that you won't need to try to control the little stuff as much. That's what I'm looking for.

Skirts

In all honesty I am not an arrogant person. But I really hate the attention that I receive when I wear a skirt. I mean it is a RARE occasion for that very reason. This morning I decided to do the semi dressed up thing and I am pretty sure two guys almost hurt themselves staring. I'm thinking I have a cheek exposed or something, but everything seems to be in place. I guess most people would thrive off that sort of attention but it doesn't really do it for me. In those cases I prefer to remain unseen


You know what I hate...

Non-vegetarians that try to "catch" you eating meat. What in the hell is that about? I swear I have never stood over someone and said shit like "I know that isn't a tomato on your sandwhich is it" or "Thats not a salad is it!" so why do they feel the need to ask am I eating turkey or ham. The answer is always gonna be no. But hey what if I am eating a ham bacon pork chop sub? Who in the hell are they to ask me about it?

Hair Again

I was told that I have issues... Who doesn't? I have been told that cutting my hair is the result of inner turmoil that I need to overcome... I have been told that I need to "let it out"...

Why is it that when I beg and plead and "act out" for help, no one is around. But as soon as I find an outlet for my "issues" and "turmoil" everyone wants to talk to me. I don't mean to sound bitter or unappreciative but I mean... where in the hell were you in 95?

A good friend of mine with an online journal mentioned the tightrope walking act where she's balancing between being completely honest in her journal and sparing the feelings of others... I think I have some thoughts on that... If someone hurts you, pisses you off, makes you smile... whatever... they should know that. Sometimes those things are hard to tell someone. If they do something you disagree with then they should know that too. I don't think that you should bite your tongue in a journal... I think it should be the one place where you are brutally honest!

But you know me that's just just my two cents.

Power

I have power. So do you. The problem is finding it and learning how to use it for good. I know my power exists and I know that I need to learn how to use it. I think that meditating has brought me closer to my power but i know I have so much further to go. Just wanted to touch base... Tell me about your power.

Alone

Why are people afraid of being alone? I am not quite sure I understand the idea of that. I mean I don't think that anyone wants to be LONELY but what is so bad about being alone. I think that being alone can be quite comforting actually. There are those people that don't like to be alone because they don't like themselves... I like me and so I like being with me. If I didn't like me or being with me, I'd change me so that I did like me. I know that sounds pretty elementary but it took me looking at people that were afraid of being alone to realize how destructive it is. I used to be afraid of being alone. That lead me to about two years of physical and mental abuse and brought me to the realization that a lot of people who claimed to be my friends weren't and that those who would rather gossip about you than to offer help can easily be done without.

It's funny because for all the bad stuff that that relationship had with it I learned a ton of stuff that I might not have realized otherwise. I realized the power of being liked. Plain and simple, people liked the guy and so they could not believe that he was the jerk that he was. I realized a lot about people who claimed to be friends. At the end of that relationship I stood completely alone. With the exception of one person. He and I managed to become and remain friends because he was the only person who ever bothered to ask what happened. Everyone else assumed, thought they knew, and spread my business to outside parties without ever asking me what I felt... and to this day none of them know what happened... hell they don't even know how I got out of it...

But that is what a fear of being alone can do. It can make you think that you can't live without a person even though you'd be much better off if you did. It can make you think that you can't make it on your own, when in reality the only way you ever can make it is alone. It's one thing to have people there to support you and to be on your side, but no one can make "it" for you but you and if you think otherwise you will be sadly mistaken.

I have been fortunate enough to find love... true love. Its the best feeling in the world... and it leaves me very unafraid of being alone (although he might think otherwise). I am the first to admit that I hate feeling lonely but being alone is ok and being by myself is ok too, but don't take my word for it learn that lesson for yourself!

Is it Just Me?

I guess this post goes along with the Button pushing post, but there are some things that I'm not understanding right now. Why is it that people give you partial information and then when you make a comment based on that information they catch an attitude with you because they didn't tell you everything?
That is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. I mean maybe I am a little "overhelpful" but please give me a damn break. I mean I don't nag because I love to piss people off. I don't ask questions repeatedly to hear myself talk. I have seen that some people don't respond to things the first time you say them, so I have learned to say things a second time to these people... but all I get is yelled at. I swear I don't have time for the shit. So what am I supposed to do? Not be helpful? Not offer my opinion? I am sure that there are those out there who think that I am overreacting but this is a very real situation for me and it frustrates the hell outta me.

What am I supposed to do?

Button Pushing

Have you ever found yourself with a talent that you have no use for? I am at that point in my life. Of all the "hobbies" and skill to develop, I feel like I've been gyped. You see my talent, is button pushing. I can piss ANYONE off. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm bragging because I'm not. This isn't a talent that I am particularly fond of. Maybe if I knew how to focus this energy, maybe if I knew what to do with it, things might be different. But as it stands now, all this "power" is good for is pissing people off and making them not want to talk to me.

HAIR

What exactly is hair. I mean I know WHAT hair is but what is its significance? I know people defined by their hair... I know people that don't feel right if they have a hair out of place. But what IS it about hair that makes it so important? I used to LOVE my hair... Through all of the bad shit that I have been thru I held on to my hair... ignoring it when it was sick... Loving it when it appeared healthy. My hair hid bruises, it changed who I was... or so I thought. Hair is kinda like makeup to most people. It kinda covers up what's really going on. Have you ever looked at people's hair? People who are in control of their lives tend to have really great hair... People who's lives are in shambles tend to have really bad hair. lol. I guess i shouldn't laugh, but it's kinda funny to me that those "out of control" folks will go to great lengths to try to fix their hair.

What people don't seem to realize that hair is more than that. If your hair is unhealthy it's probably because you're unhealthy. Your hair reflects your personality and is connected to your soul. My hair was unhealthy, it was engative. My hair had years of bad living in it. It felt badit made me feel bad, even on "good" hair days,, hell even on "excellent" hair days, there was always something wrong.
I finally realized what my hair was. It was a negative force. It held in negativity... so I got rid of it. I cut it all off.
I thought it'd be weird. I thought I'd regret it, but I can't stop smiling. I absolutely love it. I'm not sure what my next step will be, but I'll figure something out.

This change has given me AMAZING strength. I hope that I can continue to grow and learn about myself.

Be careful what you ask.

It never ceases to amaze me that someone can say something very innocently and unmaliciously and it can stab you in the heart like a dagger. I was just sitting on my couch when Mr. Dagger comes strolling by. He looked very innocent for awhile and I figured he wasn't there for me (although I should have known better since I am the only one in my house with feelings). So Mr. Dagger starts a convo with me about this and that... and I noticed that he was moving closer and closer to me on the couch, so finally I'm like you know what... let me let him stab me. So I ask a question and up jumps Mr. Dagger, straight thru the heart (*insert sigh here*).

Soooo... what does that mean? I mean I knew what was gonna happen, but I asked anyway. Why? I think it has to do with the difference between "needing to know" and "wanting to know". I did not WANT to know the answer to my question, but i needed to know. I think I spend a lot of my life doing tat same thing. I was blessed (or cursed) with the gift of understanding. I read people's minds, inadvertantly. I know that sounds like "woo woo" nonsense, but it's true. Always has been.

The good thing is that I understand that some people need to be who they are and you can't change them. Some people need to use other people, some people need to hurt people, some people have to be liars and some have to be jerks. I used to try to change those people... I used to want to help them, but I've realized that that isn't my place... so now I let them be and, as a result, I end up knowing they're going to hurt me and... sucking it up and dealing with it.

The question is (and I NEED to know this) does that make me stronger or weaker?

What a difference a day makes... I think.
I have come to a pretty scary conclusion. I don't think I like people very much. Well maybe i should say that I am rather intolerant of them. I hate the fact that I am like that. There are some people that I have known for a long time that I could just talk to forever there are people that I haven't known that long that I could be around forever, but there are those people that I seem to have no tolerance for and I don't like that. I try to find something "good" about everyone. But sometimes I find myself in conversations where my mind is wandering and I have no idea why I am bothering with this person or that person. And it frustrates me, I mean it really makes me angry because I'm like who am I to think that someone is boring... maybe I'm boring. Maybe you're sitting here reading this thinking how boring I am...
But who knows...

In the midst of one of my many rantings and ravings last night I realized what it is that I am truly searching for in life (well one of the things because I am almost positive that this will change in the next 24 hours)...

Anywho, I think that I just want to be heard. I mean I have a voice that has been muted for so long and for so many different reasons that now, I want to be heard. It all starts very young, "Children should be seen and not heard" so there I sat and waited to be grown (side note - why is it that parents tell you about all the great things that you can do when you're grown (cross the street by yourself, stay up late, eat what you want, etc) but then tell you not to rush to grow up?). When I reached adolescence, I thought I knew it all and apparently I didn't so I was told to keep my mouth shut. In school boys are encouraged to "volunteer" answers at the top of their lungs whenever they saw fit, while the girls were always told to raise their hands, although they were rarely called on...

Lately I have begun to realize the strength of my mind. The thoughts that pass through me are valid and important and should be acknowledged. I can't really say that I am full of enlightening conversation but I will say that I am capable of a lot more than people present me with. I often find myself bored with "conventional" topics and find myself searching (usually in vain) for some sort of intellectual stimulation. I have a sneaking sensation that my brain is turning to mush and I'd really prefer it if that didn't happen.

At any rate, here goes.
I have decided to go public with my journal. Public in the sense that I will be actually telling people I know about it. So I guess I need to issue a disclaimer. This is the place that I come to tell the truth. I don't plan to hold anythig back and I have every intention of speaking my mind. If you are easily offened or don't think that you can handle what I think perhaps this isn't the place for you. If you think that this journal is going to be about you, don't flatter yourself. It's about my reaction to you, but not you.

I am at a point in my life where I am seeking a higher level of consciousness and spirituality. That is a process that I have chosen to begin with one other person and this journal relates primarily to that. Anyone that thinks they know me will understand my rantings and mood swings, those of you that think you do, may be a little thrown off kilter and confused. I will not apologize for my words because they are my thoughts at the time they are posted. I don't expect anyone to agree with me. I don't care if anyone agrees with me. This is about me. I have spent most of my life worrying about how to help others and not paying enough attention to myself.

So, to the person that I am going on this journey with I would like to thank you for your help, your stength and patience. To those who have been there for me thank you, I appreciate your strength. To those of you who have leeched off of me to the point where I lost my way thank you, I appreciate the lessons that you taught me. For those of you seeking enlightenment and guidane, i wish you all the best.

I love you all!

Have you ever felt like a complete burden? Every time I turn around I seem to be bothering someone or something. Sometimes I know that I overreact but other times I think my actions are justified until someone tells me otherwise. I think my biggest problem is that I don't want to sit inside these boxes that other people make for me. I feel like everyone has an idea of who I should be and then when I don't live up to it they become frustrated with me. But is that my fault? I mean if people would take the time to know me and see who I really am then my reactions wouldn't seem so unusual.

You know, my day started off normal enough and then this mack truck just kinda came by and slammed into me and now I'm sitting here with the little stars circling around my head. I went from being "extremely" talented to being wordy and *gulp* boring! Of course that started the whole "you're too sensitive" argument and now we're "debating" who's more annoying... what happened?!?!?!

love!