Thursday, April 25, 2002


Death and Life

I was sitting in my Quants class last night thinking about death (yes it is THAT bad). At any rate I figured out a way to think about death... Its like a pop quiz in a class where a teacher tells you that there will be a pop quiz. Its like you know its coming one day... you don't know when, you don't know now hard it will be... but its gonna come. We all secretly hope that the teacher forgets about it, but we know it's gonna come. The thing is it doesn't have to be something we dread. I mean we could prepare for it everyday, by doing what it takes to make sure we're prepared. Unfortunately too many people put off doing the "right" things until its too late.

Think about life like this... There is going to be a pop quiz. It's going to test everything you have learned. You will stand in front of your teacher and be asked to show whether or not you "got it". I'm not trying to be preachy here. I'm just trying to convince people that now is the time to study!!!

You know i recently started saying hello to strangers. You would be amazed at how many shocked smiles you get. It feels good...

Tuesday, April 23, 2002


Capricorn: You spend way too much of your energy taking care of others. Of course, it isn't bad to have such devotion to causes that concern all of us. But on the other hand, dear dear Capricorn, you and you alone are not responsible for all the unhappiness in the world. Take care of your own interests first to balance out your usual behavior...

So today my horoscope is the story of my life. Problem is, i don't really know how to take care of my own interests. I think that I have spent so much time tending to others that I forgot about me and who I am. I don't assert myself NEARLY enough. I think that I have come to realize, that a lot of people quite frankly don't like me. Or rather, they wouldn't like me if they knew me. Sometimes I look at who I am and who I pretend to be and I become very angry with myself. People have decided to place me in a neat little package and I've stayed there. Well that sucks. But these are the people that I have become close to, the ones I care about. How can I let go of this imagethey have of me and keep them around.

Of course there's the question of why you'd want to keep them around. Truth is a lot of them I could care less about... the leeches... the ones that are all "me me me"..."love me"... "pay attention to me" I don't need any of that in my life because those are the same ones that only ask about my life out of nosiness or politeness or only bother to communicate when its convenient. Those people can kiss my ass up and down (you know who you are). But those people that I do care about... I like having them around. I like what they bring into my life and what they help me to realize about myself. Its just that everytime "me" comes out, it gets ugly. So what do I do? Sit around and take crap? Let people lie to my face. Believe the false world that is placed before me? Or do I show my true colors and end up alone?

Friday, April 19, 2002


Happy B-day Leena and Kevin!

I apologize for not posting earlier today. I know how some of you get. At any rate. I think that today has been one of the most amazing days of my life... but i'm not sure yet so I won't go into details. At any rate even if things aren't quite what they appear, I love the way it felt today and the idea that these things are possible makes me an even stronger believer in the strength of the mind.

A wise friend that I discovered is truly my younger (and wiser) spiritual sister. She's the one that helped me to see that I am the one that is in control of this life of mine. Hell she even sent me a Christmas/B-day present of an amazing book. Even though I think she gave me the book to show me she wasn't a quack it has made a huge difference (even though I took too long to read it). Thank you, Olga.

When I decided to quit my job, I had a ton of anxiety about how things would get done. I was scared to death, but ever since I made the decision, things have just been "right". I'm not suggesting that anyone run out and quit their job. I will say this though...

Sometimes the "right" way to do things isn't what's best for you. Sometimes you have to do things a little bit differently to make yourself happy. I love my parents to death, but I don't want to be them. I know they worked very hard to get everything they have and to give me all that they could and I love and respect them for it. But I can't follow that path, working myself to death, still just barely making ends meet, I want to be able to enjoy everyday... look at the flowers, the stars, the fish EVERYTHING! And I can't do that sitting on the other side of this computer all day. So I am taking a different path.

Please, find your inner strength and use it to find your path!!!

AND BE FREE!!!!

Thursday, April 18, 2002


Getting the Milk for Free

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday about, among other things, living together before marriage. I'm not naive by any stretch of the imagination. I know that females are practically bred to seek out marriage and family and boys are taught to avoid it like the plague. He made an interesting point that he heard "Don't get married" far more often than he heard "Don't do drugs". That comment stung. I mean what are we being taught is important and what isn't? Why do guys tend to look at marriage as giving up stuff while females view it as gaining? Why do guys look at it as "why the rush?" and females see it as "why the wait?"

I understand that this is not characteristic of all males but i would say that this is true of the VAST majority of the population... But WHY? He made a comment that if things are going good, why change something and risk ruining it. I guess I feel that once you have chosen to give a high level of commitment to someone and determined that this is the person you plan to be with, there's really no need to wait. I think that a lot of guys don't realize that women tend to take a lot of slack for shacking up. I mean look at the saying "why would he buy the cow if he gets the milk for free?" Trust me I have MANY issues with that one (esp the cow part) but that right there says a lot about the value that society has placed on the woman. I mean we too are sexual beings... are we not getting a little free milk too? Has anyone EVER said that to a guy? Why should she buy the hen when she's getting the eggs for free?" I'm willing to bet that the answer is no. And then that brings up another issue... Let's say we stop giving away the milk... is there not another heifer out there that's more than willing to have her udder fiddled with?

I think that people (yes men and women) need to stop and look around at the people they know and the people they've come across and then look at the person you're with. If you look at that person and think, you know maybe there's someone else out there, then by all means WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT. But if you look at that person and realize that this is who you have travelled a lifetime to find... then make it official.

(Disclaimer: These are only my thoughts, it is in no way an attempt to call any individual into action. This is just my little old opinion!)

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

National Credit Education Week
Nat'l Minority Cancer Awareness Week
Astronomy Week
Young People's Poetry Week
Consumer Awareness Week

This is a pretty busy week... You might ask why in the heck I bothered to give that info... Well I've been feeling like I'm not giving enough back.. I mean I give back to my friends but that tends to lead to a lot of slaps in the face and feelings of unappreciatedness. So, I've decided to try to find a cause that actually appreciates what I have to offer. I figured I'd pass the information along so that I can hopefully inspire others to service...

The job hunt proceeds. Nothing really happening but I'm not worried because I honestly know that I will be ok.

This morning the sun shined on me in the most amazing way... I'm not sure how I can explain it but it was almost as if I could feel all the strength inside of me and all the creativity waiting to come to the forefront. I hope... no I KNOW that I am headed in the right direction and it's just a matter of time before i realize my purpose. The anticipation makes me giddy... I feel like my birthday and christmas are both tomorrow... I feel like I'm planning a surprise party... All rolled up into one. Its simply amazing and i love everyone who has brought me here.

Thank you all!

Monday, April 15, 2002


So you guys can post what you hate but not what you love? You suck
Anyway lookie here people, I need a job Ok? Plain and simple I need a job. I need this job asap because i am going to resign from my job in two weeks. I have decided that. I am handing in my letter of resignation on the 29th of April and that's gonna be that. I think that my "security blanket" of a job is preventing me from doing whatever it is I need to be doing... Hopefully I won't be sitting around like an asshole in a month, but someone once said that sometimes you have to just let go and trust that things will be ok.

Mondays!

Ok since we bitched and moaned thru Fridays, let's use Monday to talk about things that we like so that we can make it thru the week Shall we?

At any rate i had a WONDERFUL weekend. Lots of special stuff ; )

So lets start with the things we like!

Friday, April 12, 2002


Fridays!!!

You know I love Fridays, but I'm not really sure why. Somewhere along the way my age caught up with me and changed me from a club regular to a "homebody" (YUCK). So now I look forward to Fridays as a time to just relax. The part that sucks is that when I do decide that I want to go out no one else seems to want to go with me!

Pet peeve #39859275987

People who want attention but rather than just say "Hey look at me" (Like I do) They laugh loudly or make noise so that you ask them what is going on. I HATE THAT. Don't they know that by doing that they take away from me and my attention? The nerve.

So, I'm debating now whether or not I should keep my hair short or go for the big ANGELA DAVIS 'fro. I think that would be hot! I mean its no secret that I'm a little bit militant, but wouldn't that just be great for JOB INTERVIEWS!!!! They would love me! I don't think I'm ready for locs yet although I compulsively twist my hair now just because I can.

While I'm talking about things that I hate, I hate the fact that my cat has an "off-kilter" sense of time. The alarm usually goes off around 5:30 at which point one of us gets up and lets him in the room so he can look out the window... ANYWAY, he decides that 3am = 5:30 and starts meowing outside the door and will not stop. Then he comes in and gets upset that there are no birds to watch and sets out to terrorize me.... I didn't appreciate that and if he's reading this I want him to QUIT IT!

On that note, I would like to make Friday's the OFFICIAL Bitch and Moan day! So, tell me what you hate, what pisses you off and what drives you crazy! PLEASE let me know that I am not the only person bothered by little stuff. Check the comments I'll even start this one off!

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

Thanks for the responses to the previous post. I have one more "love" question and then I'm done. If "real" love is unconditional and you love someone for what they do for you, can your love be unconditional since they could stop doing those things at any time?

Monday, April 08, 2002


You know, I promised myself I wouldn't do a "mushy" post. That I would NEVER use this space t odeclare my undying love for anyone or anything... but...

I just have to say that I am probably the luckiest woman in the world. I have been truly blessed with someone who I can trust completely, tell everything to, be honest with, and love unconditionally, and I get all that and more in return.

So to keep in line with the mushy content I have a question to propose. What makes you love someone? Do you love them for who they are or what they do for you? Can you truly love someone who doesn't love you in return?

Lemme know what you think!!!
EVERYONE MUST RESPOND TO THIS POST OR RISK THE FURY OF MO!!!!!!

Friday, April 05, 2002


Pet Peeve #234824908

Nicknames...
When does it become ok for people to call you by a nickname? When is it ok for people to decide on a nick name for you without consulting you? A long time ago a friend started calling me Mo... It never bothered me, actually I liked it. Now, EVERYONE calls me Mo. But "Mon" that's always been a family name and now the folks at work are jumpin on the bandwagon (presumably because of "Friends") but I REALLY don't feel comfortable with that. How do I say that and still be that sweet loving girl that they have come to know and love?!?!?
I think I'm kinda bummed out today. My coworker has had her kids kidnapped by her ex husband. I'm not sure of everyone's religious/spiritual convictions, but please keep her and her situation in your thoughts.

Hearing her talk about her life with him brought back a lot of memories for me. I honestly feel sorry for people who feel the need to abuse others. I think that it comes from their feeling of a lack of control. I don't know how else to explain it. I mean it's like they can't control their own lives so they seek others that they can dominate. The weirdest thing about it is that they always seem to pick the strongest appearing people to dominate. I guess it kind of gives them a rush. I like to think of myself as a pretty strong person but my experiences would make many think otherwise. One of my best friends and I were sitting around analyzing people and seeing how people handle things differently. Its amazing how almost everyone I know is some sort of control freak and how much people hate being out of control. I think that finding your power will put you in control of so many great things that you won't need to try to control the little stuff as much. That's what I'm looking for.

Thursday, April 04, 2002


Skirts

In all honesty I am not an arrogant person. But I really hate the attention that I receive when I wear a skirt. I mean it is a RARE occasion for that very reason. This morning I decided to do the semi dressed up thing and I am pretty sure two guys almost hurt themselves staring. I'm thinking I have a cheek exposed or something, but everything seems to be in place. I guess most people would thrive off that sort of attention but it doesn't really do it for me. In those cases I prefer to remain unseen


You know what I hate...

Non-vegetarians that try to "catch" you eating meat. What in the hell is that about? I swear I have never stood over someone and said shit like "I know that isn't a tomato on your sandwhich is it" or "Thats not a salad is it!" so why do they feel the need to ask am I eating turkey or ham. The answer is always gonna be no. But hey what if I am eating a ham bacon pork chop sub? Who in the hell are they to ask me about it?

Wednesday, April 03, 2002


Hair Again

I was told that I have issues... Who doesn't? I have been told that cutting my hair is the result of inner turmoil that I need to overcome... I have been told that I need to "let it out"...

Why is it that when I beg and plead and "act out" for help, no one is around. But as soon as I find an outlet for my "issues" and "turmoil" everyone wants to talk to me. I don't mean to sound bitter or unappreciative but I mean... where in the hell were you in 95?

A good friend of mine with an online journal mentioned the tightrope walking act where she's balancing between being completely honest in her journal and sparing the feelings of others... I think I have some thoughts on that... If someone hurts you, pisses you off, makes you smile... whatever... they should know that. Sometimes those things are hard to tell someone. If they do something you disagree with then they should know that too. I don't think that you should bite your tongue in a journal... I think it should be the one place where you are brutally honest!

But you know me that's just just my two cents.

Tuesday, April 02, 2002


Power

I have power. So do you. The problem is finding it and learning how to use it for good. I know my power exists and I know that I need to learn how to use it. I think that meditating has brought me closer to my power but i know I have so much further to go. Just wanted to touch base... Tell me about your power.

Monday, April 01, 2002


Alone

Why are people afraid of being alone? I am not quite sure I understand the idea of that. I mean I don't think that anyone wants to be LONELY but what is so bad about being alone. I think that being alone can be quite comforting actually. There are those people that don't like to be alone because they don't like themselves... I like me and so I like being with me. If I didn't like me or being with me, I'd change me so that I did like me. I know that sounds pretty elementary but it took me looking at people that were afraid of being alone to realize how destructive it is. I used to be afraid of being alone. That lead me to about two years of physical and mental abuse and brought me to the realization that a lot of people who claimed to be my friends weren't and that those who would rather gossip about you than to offer help can easily be done without.

It's funny because for all the bad stuff that that relationship had with it I learned a ton of stuff that I might not have realized otherwise. I realized the power of being liked. Plain and simple, people liked the guy and so they could not believe that he was the jerk that he was. I realized a lot about people who claimed to be friends. At the end of that relationship I stood completely alone. With the exception of one person. He and I managed to become and remain friends because he was the only person who ever bothered to ask what happened. Everyone else assumed, thought they knew, and spread my business to outside parties without ever asking me what I felt... and to this day none of them know what happened... hell they don't even know how I got out of it...

But that is what a fear of being alone can do. It can make you think that you can't live without a person even though you'd be much better off if you did. It can make you think that you can't make it on your own, when in reality the only way you ever can make it is alone. It's one thing to have people there to support you and to be on your side, but no one can make "it" for you but you and if you think otherwise you will be sadly mistaken.

I have been fortunate enough to find love... true love. Its the best feeling in the world... and it leaves me very unafraid of being alone (although he might think otherwise). I am the first to admit that I hate feeling lonely but being alone is ok and being by myself is ok too, but don't take my word for it learn that lesson for yourself!