It never ceases to amaze me how quick i am to put ideas out there without giving any thought to all the work that has to go into them.
That being said, it looks like there will be a party/get together at my house for the 4th or the 3rd or something like that. So i gotta go shopping and buy, and cook, tons of food and alcohol... I'm not sure how that part slipped my mind but apparently i was smoking crack when i started inviting people. I'll probably turn it into a crab feast to keep the majority of the burden offa me. I'll play bartender all damn day... but i ain't tryna be slavin away in the kitchen while the masses are having fun.
This will be a wonderful weekend :)
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Jill Scott and Prince
I remember when i was younger and not allowed to go to concerts... now i do what i want when i want. So this summer I'mma see Jill Scott and Prince within weeks of one another. yay me!
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Sorry Mamma
Once again I've disappointed my mom. She basically told me that i'm a pushover and i let ppl take advantage of me. She also pointed out my tendency to wind up in abusive relationships. She got on me for constantly bringing people into my life who feel the need to intimidate and disrespect women... and there was nothing i could do but agree. She told me that it hurt her because she can see my pain and how i don't deserve it but that until i learn to be a better judge of character i'll continue to live that life.
Of all the things she said the thing that hurt the most is that she blamed herself. She said that maybe the reason i wind up with those folks is because of the type of person my father is. I never thought that this bullshit would lead to my mom questioning 45+ yrs of marriage. I've come clean to just about everyone that knows about the situation and i feel much better. The person that i haven't told stuff to doesn't care anyway so i'll keep that bit of info to myself. At this point in my life i'm at peace and it feels heavenly. I can't let others self doubt and self hate bring me down. Most importantly though i have made peace with myself. For a minute i was blaming myself for what happened. Although i realized the significant role i played in the drama, i also see how it escalated and how it could and should have been diffused.
I miss my nephew. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my cats. I'm blessed and i know it. I'm thankful for who I am and what i have become. I'm thankful for what i have overcome and i am eager to see what is in store for me next. I wish those around me all the happiness in the world and i hope that everyone is able to find peace within themselves....
time for a new piercing cuz this is REALLY a milestone in my life.
Of all the things she said the thing that hurt the most is that she blamed herself. She said that maybe the reason i wind up with those folks is because of the type of person my father is. I never thought that this bullshit would lead to my mom questioning 45+ yrs of marriage. I've come clean to just about everyone that knows about the situation and i feel much better. The person that i haven't told stuff to doesn't care anyway so i'll keep that bit of info to myself. At this point in my life i'm at peace and it feels heavenly. I can't let others self doubt and self hate bring me down. Most importantly though i have made peace with myself. For a minute i was blaming myself for what happened. Although i realized the significant role i played in the drama, i also see how it escalated and how it could and should have been diffused.
I miss my nephew. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my cats. I'm blessed and i know it. I'm thankful for who I am and what i have become. I'm thankful for what i have overcome and i am eager to see what is in store for me next. I wish those around me all the happiness in the world and i hope that everyone is able to find peace within themselves....
time for a new piercing cuz this is REALLY a milestone in my life.
Patience
I called my sister this morning to see what was goin on with my nephew. Unfortunately the news was not good. Basically he's in jail and will be there for a fairly long while. My head is very cloudy right now and i honestly don't know how to process it. I've been trying my damndest to deal with this for the past couple weeks but it seems like there are other tests in store for me as well. i'll just be sitting at my desk and all of a sudden a memory of me and my nephew acting dumb will come to mind and it pains me to the point of tears. I wish i just knew what the outcome would be so that i can stop worrying.
On top of that my dad is taking the whole thing pretty hard. I love him so much and it pains me to see him hurt.
I just keep tellin myself that it has to get better... it has to.
I called my sister this morning to see what was goin on with my nephew. Unfortunately the news was not good. Basically he's in jail and will be there for a fairly long while. My head is very cloudy right now and i honestly don't know how to process it. I've been trying my damndest to deal with this for the past couple weeks but it seems like there are other tests in store for me as well. i'll just be sitting at my desk and all of a sudden a memory of me and my nephew acting dumb will come to mind and it pains me to the point of tears. I wish i just knew what the outcome would be so that i can stop worrying.
On top of that my dad is taking the whole thing pretty hard. I love him so much and it pains me to see him hurt.
I just keep tellin myself that it has to get better... it has to.
Monday, June 28, 2004
The Tipping Point
So i have heard this new creation in its entirety and i am really feelin it. It's nice to see the roots goin back to hip hop. Although i'd still like to see them experiment during live shows, i really like what they did with this album. I cannot wait for it to drop so i can give them some loot that they truly deserve.
Make sure you get this album... cuz i said so
So i have heard this new creation in its entirety and i am really feelin it. It's nice to see the roots goin back to hip hop. Although i'd still like to see them experiment during live shows, i really like what they did with this album. I cannot wait for it to drop so i can give them some loot that they truly deserve.
Make sure you get this album... cuz i said so
Thursday, June 24, 2004
5:00 in the morning... where you gonna be?
So it's not quite 5am... more like 4:30... but i've been up since 3 so i think i can say it's whatever time i want. I have tossed and turned since i laid down and i finally had to just get up out of the bed. I tried to stay in bed so that i would eventually drift off to sleep but my mind was racing and didn't seem to want any parts of that.
I wish i could get into what's on my mind... but here is really not the place. The reality of my life is that no matter how hard i try to play the nonchalant tough girl role, some shit hurts me very deeply and it's not easy for me to just forget about it. I look at my life, and where i am in life and i will honestly say that i am blessed. I have acheived things and done things that many ppl haven't and/or won't. I recognize that and i am greatful to have had those opportunities. I just wish that i could achieve some of my goals in my personal life as well.
I'm gonna stop now because i don't want this to be a woe is me entry. I'm really not in that kind of mood. I just got a lotta shit on my mind and i'm tryna work through it....
Thanks for listenin
So it's not quite 5am... more like 4:30... but i've been up since 3 so i think i can say it's whatever time i want. I have tossed and turned since i laid down and i finally had to just get up out of the bed. I tried to stay in bed so that i would eventually drift off to sleep but my mind was racing and didn't seem to want any parts of that.
I wish i could get into what's on my mind... but here is really not the place. The reality of my life is that no matter how hard i try to play the nonchalant tough girl role, some shit hurts me very deeply and it's not easy for me to just forget about it. I look at my life, and where i am in life and i will honestly say that i am blessed. I have acheived things and done things that many ppl haven't and/or won't. I recognize that and i am greatful to have had those opportunities. I just wish that i could achieve some of my goals in my personal life as well.
I'm gonna stop now because i don't want this to be a woe is me entry. I'm really not in that kind of mood. I just got a lotta shit on my mind and i'm tryna work through it....
Thanks for listenin
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
I'm Back Bitches
So the song from the previous entry is the one i currently have on repeat... much to Nate's dismay. The words to this song have forced me to take a long hard look at who I am, where I'm headed and what I want. It's not that the song is particularly deep (although there are some key lines) it's just that the song deals with introspection... looking back at the past and coming up with some sort of "guidelines" for moving forward. For whatever reason, i'm not able to do that. I go through the same shit over and over again rather than learning and moving on. That's not growth. So at this point in my life, i am making a concious effort to grow. I want to change the bad and work on the good and most importantly, to move on.
The past several months has helped me to look at life a lot differently. A lot of things i thought i'd never do, i've tried. Some good, some bad, but it's growth nonetheless. I've met some cool people as a result and realized that some people that i thought were cool aren't shit. The key here is for me to take that knowledge and do something with it... stay tuned
So the song from the previous entry is the one i currently have on repeat... much to Nate's dismay. The words to this song have forced me to take a long hard look at who I am, where I'm headed and what I want. It's not that the song is particularly deep (although there are some key lines) it's just that the song deals with introspection... looking back at the past and coming up with some sort of "guidelines" for moving forward. For whatever reason, i'm not able to do that. I go through the same shit over and over again rather than learning and moving on. That's not growth. So at this point in my life, i am making a concious effort to grow. I want to change the bad and work on the good and most importantly, to move on.
The past several months has helped me to look at life a lot differently. A lot of things i thought i'd never do, i've tried. Some good, some bad, but it's growth nonetheless. I've met some cool people as a result and realized that some people that i thought were cool aren't shit. The key here is for me to take that knowledge and do something with it... stay tuned
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
I've Learned (c) Signifire
(Yo, I've learned) 12 hours of sleep can still leave you restless
(And I've learned) That patience wasn't a virtue I've been blessed with
(And I've learned) Not to mix bad moods and heavy drugs, it's just because it turns a negative spiral and makes me come undone
(And I've learned) That job searches often end in migraines
(Yo, I've learned)To drop girls who try to mess with mind games
(And I've learned) That when some cats lose a feeling that's good they try to replace something that's real with a material good
(I've learned) That all cats aren't created equal
(And I've learned) At times you just can't relate to people
(And I've learned) Perceptions differ in all peeps, so you can't just treat another in the manner that you wanna be
(Yeah I've learned) Not to confuse love and lust
(And I've learned)There are a few cats I can trust
(And I've learned)That things'll depend on what you grow with, cats are ignorant as sh*t but at the same time they don't know it.
(Yo, I've learned) At times its best to deal with it alone
(And I've learned) Not to stress sh*t you can't control
(And I've learned) That places aren't really melting pots, more like separate pots chillin on the same stove
(And I've learned) That people don't know they limitations
(Yo, I've learned) You can't blame it on, "But I was wasted"
(And I've learned) That alcohol extends a personality so when I say you have some issues please attempt not to get mad at me
(And I've learned) That everything out there can be questioned
(Yeah I've learned) With true love also comes a best friend
(Yo, I've learned) That most of the mass is out for status and a cat'll front aggressive when in reality he's passive
(And I've learned) To stop makin bets against the Lakers
(And I've learned) I dig females who blaze herb
(Yeah, I've learned) That it's easier to forgive than forget and in a way I guess I lied when I said no regrets
(I've learned) A tree sprouted from the root of evil
(And I've learned) To hit speed bags instead of people
(Yeah, I've learned) That happiness runs contigent to hopes and if you don't look hard enough you'll never really see growth
(And I've learned) How to write life instead of lyrics
(Yeah, I've learned) How you can't judge by one's appearance
(And I've learned) That mad heads are scared to have opinions and would rather nod a head or try to say some sh*t to fit in
(And I've learned) Not to conform to the majority
(Yo, I've learned) How I have a problem with authority
(Kid, I've learned) The media can get mad synthetic but it's the individuals choice to accept it or reject it
(And I've learned) The pedestals a beautiful girl can get
(And I've learned) Not to mix alcohol and percocets
(And I've learned) That happiness is more than just wealth and never depend on someone else more than yourself
(Yo, I've learned) 12 hours of sleep can still leave you restless
(And I've learned) That patience wasn't a virtue I've been blessed with
(And I've learned) Not to mix bad moods and heavy drugs, it's just because it turns a negative spiral and makes me come undone
(And I've learned) That job searches often end in migraines
(Yo, I've learned)To drop girls who try to mess with mind games
(And I've learned) That when some cats lose a feeling that's good they try to replace something that's real with a material good
(I've learned) That all cats aren't created equal
(And I've learned) At times you just can't relate to people
(And I've learned) Perceptions differ in all peeps, so you can't just treat another in the manner that you wanna be
(Yeah I've learned) Not to confuse love and lust
(And I've learned)There are a few cats I can trust
(And I've learned)That things'll depend on what you grow with, cats are ignorant as sh*t but at the same time they don't know it.
(Yo, I've learned) At times its best to deal with it alone
(And I've learned) Not to stress sh*t you can't control
(And I've learned) That places aren't really melting pots, more like separate pots chillin on the same stove
(And I've learned) That people don't know they limitations
(Yo, I've learned) You can't blame it on, "But I was wasted"
(And I've learned) That alcohol extends a personality so when I say you have some issues please attempt not to get mad at me
(And I've learned) That everything out there can be questioned
(Yeah I've learned) With true love also comes a best friend
(Yo, I've learned) That most of the mass is out for status and a cat'll front aggressive when in reality he's passive
(And I've learned) To stop makin bets against the Lakers
(And I've learned) I dig females who blaze herb
(Yeah, I've learned) That it's easier to forgive than forget and in a way I guess I lied when I said no regrets
(I've learned) A tree sprouted from the root of evil
(And I've learned) To hit speed bags instead of people
(Yeah, I've learned) That happiness runs contigent to hopes and if you don't look hard enough you'll never really see growth
(And I've learned) How to write life instead of lyrics
(Yeah, I've learned) How you can't judge by one's appearance
(And I've learned) That mad heads are scared to have opinions and would rather nod a head or try to say some sh*t to fit in
(And I've learned) Not to conform to the majority
(Yo, I've learned) How I have a problem with authority
(Kid, I've learned) The media can get mad synthetic but it's the individuals choice to accept it or reject it
(And I've learned) The pedestals a beautiful girl can get
(And I've learned) Not to mix alcohol and percocets
(And I've learned) That happiness is more than just wealth and never depend on someone else more than yourself
Monday, June 21, 2004
Saturday, June 19, 2004
No Title
I've been feeling like crap lately... and that's an understatement. The thing that sux is that i'm not at liberty to say why in this forum. My *other* journal is seeing a lot of action these days... a lot more than i'm getting, but i digress. So yeah, i'm feeling pretty crappy. I'm ready for the next step in my life, but i'm scared to see how i will react to it. I keep my sanity by reminding myself that i can handle any situation in which i find myself and that makes the load a little easier to bear.
i am able to say that i feel that i will be losing a few really close friends soon... i am going thru the process of looking around and getting rid of the dead weight... what happens if afterwards there's no one left?
I've been feeling like crap lately... and that's an understatement. The thing that sux is that i'm not at liberty to say why in this forum. My *other* journal is seeing a lot of action these days... a lot more than i'm getting, but i digress. So yeah, i'm feeling pretty crappy. I'm ready for the next step in my life, but i'm scared to see how i will react to it. I keep my sanity by reminding myself that i can handle any situation in which i find myself and that makes the load a little easier to bear.
i am able to say that i feel that i will be losing a few really close friends soon... i am going thru the process of looking around and getting rid of the dead weight... what happens if afterwards there's no one left?
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
Here's What They Really Think of You (c) Ice Cube
him: query:
him: where do your fashionable male friends shop?
me: i don't have any of those
him: wow.
him: damn.
me: we're not those type of ppl
him: uh.
him: so you guys just wake up and stink?
This is a convo i had with a friend of mine recently. To say I was a bit hurt by the assumption that not being fashionable was the equivalent of emitting a foul odor would be an understatement. But it made me really look at myself and the ppl i know.
The truth of the matter is that we are not "fashionable". I mean we're not bums either, but i don't think you'd find any of my close friends decked out in the latest *insert top designer name here* gear. The people i know for the most part aren't into things like that and could care less what people have on. It's just not how we roll. I wondered if maybe that was a bad thing when i realized that people i chill with are some of the most caring, open, spiritual, talented people i've ever met. I wouldn't trade them for all the *insert top designer name here* gear in the world.
him: query:
him: where do your fashionable male friends shop?
me: i don't have any of those
him: wow.
him: damn.
me: we're not those type of ppl
him: uh.
him: so you guys just wake up and stink?
This is a convo i had with a friend of mine recently. To say I was a bit hurt by the assumption that not being fashionable was the equivalent of emitting a foul odor would be an understatement. But it made me really look at myself and the ppl i know.
The truth of the matter is that we are not "fashionable". I mean we're not bums either, but i don't think you'd find any of my close friends decked out in the latest *insert top designer name here* gear. The people i know for the most part aren't into things like that and could care less what people have on. It's just not how we roll. I wondered if maybe that was a bad thing when i realized that people i chill with are some of the most caring, open, spiritual, talented people i've ever met. I wouldn't trade them for all the *insert top designer name here* gear in the world.
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)
Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist
Directs you where to go
So make the best of this test
And don’t ask why
It’s not a question
But a lesson learned in time
It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf of
Good health and good time
Tattoos of memories
And dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth
It was worth all the while
It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
I don't know how to put it any more perfectly than that. I feel like i'm about to graduate from high school again... so much to look forward to, so much to leave behind. There's so much uncertainty and yet, it promises to be the most exciting time of my life. i've made and lost friends and learned to see the good and bad in people. I've seen people grow and seen some people stay the same. And i wouldn't change any of it for anything. It's helped me to be who i am today and it means everything to me.
So to those of you who may read this, if i know you, thank you for helping me grow. For those i don't know, thanks for reading about my growth. It all means so much to me.
Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist
Directs you where to go
So make the best of this test
And don’t ask why
It’s not a question
But a lesson learned in time
It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf of
Good health and good time
Tattoos of memories
And dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth
It was worth all the while
It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
I don't know how to put it any more perfectly than that. I feel like i'm about to graduate from high school again... so much to look forward to, so much to leave behind. There's so much uncertainty and yet, it promises to be the most exciting time of my life. i've made and lost friends and learned to see the good and bad in people. I've seen people grow and seen some people stay the same. And i wouldn't change any of it for anything. It's helped me to be who i am today and it means everything to me.
So to those of you who may read this, if i know you, thank you for helping me grow. For those i don't know, thanks for reading about my growth. It all means so much to me.
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Is it over yet?
This week is dragging by for a short week. I can't do this much longer... thankfully it's Thursday.
There's really nothing going on in my life but i felt compelled to type up something. I am starting to seriously consider staying with my sister for a few weeks. A lot of folks close to me are starting to see the toll that everything is taking on me and i probably do need to be isolated for a bit. Unfortunately she lives in the middle of nowhere so that really isn't an option. i think i'm gonna smoke and drink my way thru it and wake up sometime in the future.
In other news, i'm starting to get things together for the move. I got some folks to help me with my little issues i have with putting together furniture so hopefully that'll take some stress off. I've also started packing some of the stuff i know i don't need (i.e. winter clothes). I was talking to a friend about the "tell all" entry i had planned for after i move. LOL. It seemed like a good idea but i might skip it. 9 times outta 10 my feelings don't matter, so why go outta my way to tell my side of the story? Those that know, feel me... the rest... please see the title of the blog
This week is dragging by for a short week. I can't do this much longer... thankfully it's Thursday.
There's really nothing going on in my life but i felt compelled to type up something. I am starting to seriously consider staying with my sister for a few weeks. A lot of folks close to me are starting to see the toll that everything is taking on me and i probably do need to be isolated for a bit. Unfortunately she lives in the middle of nowhere so that really isn't an option. i think i'm gonna smoke and drink my way thru it and wake up sometime in the future.
In other news, i'm starting to get things together for the move. I got some folks to help me with my little issues i have with putting together furniture so hopefully that'll take some stress off. I've also started packing some of the stuff i know i don't need (i.e. winter clothes). I was talking to a friend about the "tell all" entry i had planned for after i move. LOL. It seemed like a good idea but i might skip it. 9 times outta 10 my feelings don't matter, so why go outta my way to tell my side of the story? Those that know, feel me... the rest... please see the title of the blog
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
It's good to be here
What a weekend... and that's all i'mma say about that.
I'm glad to be back in DC though. I know that much. I don't want to live here forever... but there are much worse places.
I managed to leave my keys in the rental car so i am at Nate's mercy until they are retrieved. Hopefully that will happen soon. My home situation is stressful but i don't think that it'll be this way much longer. I have to keep reminding myself that i created this situation so i must live with it. But i have definitely realized that i will not be doing the roommate thing at least not with folks i don't know.
But you live and you learn.
What a weekend... and that's all i'mma say about that.
I'm glad to be back in DC though. I know that much. I don't want to live here forever... but there are much worse places.
I managed to leave my keys in the rental car so i am at Nate's mercy until they are retrieved. Hopefully that will happen soon. My home situation is stressful but i don't think that it'll be this way much longer. I have to keep reminding myself that i created this situation so i must live with it. But i have definitely realized that i will not be doing the roommate thing at least not with folks i don't know.
But you live and you learn.