The Saga Continues


If you're here looking for additional drama about my home situation, kindly exit stage left.

The law school process is driving me BATTY. I just wish they would let me know what was up. I hate not knowing. I'm in the process of applying for scholarships and financial aid but other than that I'm really at a stand still. The situation at my job is so bleek that I'm contemplating just quitting and making a preemptive move to San Fran or LA in hopes of being able to establish residency more quickly. I always knew that Law school would be expensive, but i guess the realities of it are just setting in.

Natey says i'm gonna come home one day, open the mailbox and be burried under a pile of acceptance letters... I HOPE he's right. I would love to be in that situation... Using financial aid awards to make my final decision. At this point all i can say is at least they haven't said no. I try not to let it get me down because i know i'm smart and that if He wants me to go to law school I'll go, but i just wish i knew where my life was headed.

Toxicity

I am in a toxic environment. Toxic environments drain your energy.
People are liars
All people are liars
I need to clean out my closet... the skeletons need to be placed in the front yard
I need to tell some people what i really think of them and follow it up with a swift, "fuck you"
I need to get back to the people that i can really trust and count on
I need to remember that just because you see that another person has issues, doesn't mean that it'll stop them from just blaming you.

My biggest pet peeve right now is people on high horses that act like they're so much fucking better than everyone else. i can't stand these folks that just seem to get some sort of sick pleasure from talking down to others. I been here for 28+ years. I've been through and seen shit that some of these folks will never know. But folks still wanna treat me like i'm a dumb ass.

One thing that trips me out about people is that they insist that i'm dumb. Like they don't realize that 95% of the time, i'll let you dig your own grave. My brother is like that. He scopes out EVERYTHING, remembers it all and keeps it stored for the appropriate time... I admire that... although i know it can be painful. It hurts to have someone you care about look you in the eyes and lie... repeatedly. But seeing someones true colors is what life is all about.

...

So in the past week, everyone that lives in my apt has expressed a desire to move out. All of us. Oh and the common denominator (c) Farnsworth is little old me. Yep.

To a certain degree it pisses me off. I know that I try my damndest to make people happy... sure I'll buy a tv for the house and not watch it, sure I'll cook for everyone, sure I'll have an open door policy to my room and it's contents, sure i'll do the grocery shopping for the house... I go out of my way to try to make sure that no one feels left out. I harrass everyone equally, i annoy any and everyone... and usually i take a great deal of abuse for it.

My friendship with Leena has made me keenly aware of how many times i ask someone to hand me that, pass that to me, get up and get such and such. So, I have honestly been making an effort to try not to be like that. No one sweeps, so i'll do it. Will i make a smart comment about it? Probably, but I mean damn, how many times must I do something before someone steps up and volunteers to help? I don't do these things for recognition. I do them, against the advice of others, to make sure that everyone is happy... and I don't ask for much in return... except respect.

I grew up in a chauvanistic household where it was made clear that as a woman, my opinion didn't matter. My all girls high school was the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned that women were not to be seen and not heard, and that it was ok to express myself and what i thought. I also learned that most men hate that. As a result, I don't back down from disagreements, I've even been told that's why i spent two years getting my ass beat in a dysfunctional relationship (insert sarcastic smirk here). Thing is, when I disagree or "argue" I do it in a respectful way. I try to stay level headed and rational (seeing as that's what I want to do for a living) but most ppl just go for the quickest way to inflict pain.

All i have ever asked for is respect. No more no less, the extra stuff i do is done because i want to. I prefer it because it helps to keep my mind active. But I guess Brooks was right... I'm a very difficult person to live with. I guess I really will be that old lady with 50 cats and dogs running around the house.

Waiting

Right now i am waiting for so many things... and I don't like to wait. There are approximately 11 law schools out there with my fate in their hands... and I have to wait for them to look over what I have presented to them and decide if i am worthy to join them. That shit is annoying. I have no clue where I will go on August 1. Part of me is scared as hell, but for the most part I am excited. I really need to get a part time gig though. I need to stack as much cash as i can as quickly as i can. I'm just not sure what I should do. Bartending is a thought but i don't know if i should be working around alcohol. I was also thinking about doing a BS data entry job. That would be more my speed... as long as i could listen to music while i did it, i'd be straight.

Also, sometimes, people just want to do what they want to do. You can't change those people and you shouldn't ever try. I just wish that people would really take a look at themselves before they come at me. One day I'mma just stop bein nice to folks that don't deserve it. I bend over backwards day in and day out.... give respect where its due... and spend a lot of time making sure everyone is comfortable. And ppl take that shit for granted. it's tiring and I don't like it.

Sometimes i wish i still had the courage to grab a razor and slide it across my skin like i used to... to inflict the sharp pain... cutting my own flesh to prove to myself that no one could really hurt me and convincing my sick mind that i really was in control of myself and my situation...

The drug induced highs that mellowed everything out and made me think that i was seeing clearly call me day in and day out. Sometimes i wish i had the courage to just go back to it and say fuck the world. But the truth is i'm a coward. I'm too scared to do any of those things... and I hate myself for it.

Blah

I'm starting to think that 2004 might just end up just as blah as 2003 was.

161 161 161 161 161 161

I don't really know what to say right now except 161!!!! i got a 161 on my LSAT. Now some ppl will look at that score and turn up there noses... EFF THEM! The perfection of getting that number is AMAZING... let's go back in time shall we.

In October 2003, I took the LSAT for the first time. I felt bad about it. The testing center conditions were horrible, I hadn't studied like i was supposed to. I wasn't focused and I wasn't confident. The result? A 152... 54th percentile. The score was so terribly average i wanted to scream and cry (and i did both). Shortly before my test, i had started seeing a Psychologist and was on my way to being diagnosed with ADD... yes a 27 yo woman with a little kid's disorder. Shortly after my less than stellar LSAT performance I received a perscription for Ritalin....

I retook the LSAT at the beginning of December. I went into it more prepared, I was doing well on practice tests and I felt like i knew what i was doing. The morning of the test things started to unravel. I lost my registration, they were late letting us in... it seemed like everything was going wrong again. But i calmed myself and pushed through it. There was a whole section that i guessed... an.entire.section... but I moved on....

When I was doing my applications, a lot of them asked that if you took the test twice, and score ten points higher or more on the retake, that you should submit an additional essay, your score can be reviewed and even questioned... i still wanted my 164, but i didn't know if they would believe my story of "the Ritalin did it"

Last night at 11:39pm i logged on and saw my score 161... good enough to SIGNIFICANTLY increase my chances of acceptance, and just under the point where i would be questionned... I have two new schools to apply to and things are looking up. I went from the 54th percentile, to the 85th and that is how i got my swagger back!!!!