Reflections

I was asked to write about my current relationship and the craziness that is associated with being a woman. I figured it would be an easy task, but just like anything that requires taking a hard look at oneself, it was very difficult


I met him kind of by accident. By that I mean I had sworn off all men; I wasn't becoming a lesbian or anything, but I was just through with relationships for awhile. I was tired of hurting and tired of the let down. When we first started speaking online, I figured he was a cool guy and would make a good friend. At the time my opinion of the type of guy you'd come across online was the type that wasn't out there meeting women by more conventional means, in other words i thought he was unattractive. After awhile we decided to exchange photos and I'll admit, it sparked my interest. After a couple of phone conversations we decided to go out.


(Here's where the craziness starts)Now before I even went to see him, i called a good friend of mine on the phone and I said, if this man is as good looking in person as he is in a photo, i'm going to marry him. That may sound superficial but it was really the personality that got me (honest). We had a wonderful time together and eventually decided on a committed relationship. This was no small task for me, however, because I really wasn't looking for one at the time.


Sometime around the one year mark his friends started asking him when he was going to propose and all that stuff... his answer would always be "soon" or "sooner than you think". Now to me that meant... tomorrow or later on tonight. At that point we were living together, had joint bank accounts, the whole nine. I tried not to bring up the topic because i felt like saying something would make him uncomfortable, but at the same time the thought always loomed in my head. Birthdays passed, Christmases passed, valentine's days... all of the times that I figured would be "perfect" opportunities for him to do it. I'd literally just watch him to see if he looked like he was nervous or thinking about how to do something... it never happened.


From time to time I'd ask if he planned on marrying me to which he'd always reply "yes". I'd ask when and that's when the trouble would start. His answer would basically be, when I'm "ready". So then I'd want to know when he'd be ready. Part of me knew i was pushing buttons but there was another part of me that really wanted to know when. I looked at it like we're doing all the things a married couple does, the only thing that would change is the way we do taxes, what's the big deal. But, for whatever reason, it was bigger than that for him.


I think that a lot of it has to do with our backgrounds, my parents have been married for 47 years and they are still completely in love with one another. His parents aren't married and his views of what marriage are used to be pretty bad (fighting, cheating, etc). I will admit that there is a bit of resentment on my part about the whole issue. I feel like I'm good enough to shack up with, but not to marry. I feel like he'll never ask me because he hasn't already. I know that to a certain degree i'm being selfish, but i feel like he is too. Somewhere along the way there has to be a compromise.

I don't really understand how someone can say that they plan to do something, but then claim to not be ready. Sometimes I think i'm being led on, other times i feel like he's right on the verge of asking. Either way the rollercoaster ride is getting pretty tiring.


Oh yeah, and it'll be two years next Saturday... and he still hasn't asked me.