The Realest Shit I Ever Wrote

Sometimes we find ourselves in situations that we thought we would be able to deal with, only to later find out that we are really an outcast or an outsider. This can be expecially true when you relocate or join up/meet a new group of already established friends. Always remember that you are the outsider and that their loyalties really aren't to you. I need to start keeping to myself.

I have started my Ritalin induced study plan... I sincerely hope it will affect my performance on the LSAT. I think this is my last "real" venture in the school arena and I want to make something of it.

I am also finding myself slipping back into some bad habits of my past that I would like to curb. In college i realized that i got satisfaction by expressing internal pain externally. As a result, by the time I graduated i had 10 tattoos and 5 piercings. Each tells a story or has some level of significance for me. I think it's a carry over from grade school. That's when i started "cutting". Looking back on it i think i should be appalled at the thought of going at my body with a razor blade but at the time it made sense. I went back to it in 1994 when i couldn't afford tattoos/piercings. There is something very therapeutic about it, although it is extremely unhealthy. My scars have pretty much faded and those that remain i lie about. But after a lot of thought and a lot of frustration, I decided to get my tongue re-pierced.

The whole process is painful in such a subtle way that it's perfect. Walk into to a tattoo place and you are immediately overwhelmed with images lining the walls.... beautiful women, devilish leprechauns, swastikas, red black and green flags, you name it, they'll do it. Strike up a conversation with a person covered in ink and metal, some intriguing, some grotesque. Pay your money and follow them to "the back". The room is set up to look like a doctors office... kind of; which is painful in itself. She lays out the materials like a doctor preparing for surgery. The rush of the needle going through my tongue follwed by the slight light headed feeling brings all my pain to the surface... and then subsides, leaving me with a strange sense of calm.

I've never put that into words before. People ask why, i have my "other" reasons. I do legitimately have an oral fixation and this does help me not to chew on pencils, pens, plastic bottle caps, etc. I am a freak and i know it can be used for sexual pleasure, i'm not above that either. But in reality, i am a sad, scared, lonely 27 year old woman that is unable to cope with a lot of the pressures of everyday life, and so i purposely inflict external pain on myself to ease the internal pain that i deal with.