Sorry Mamma

Once again I've disappointed my mom. She basically told me that i'm a pushover and i let ppl take advantage of me. She also pointed out my tendency to wind up in abusive relationships. She got on me for constantly bringing people into my life who feel the need to intimidate and disrespect women... and there was nothing i could do but agree. She told me that it hurt her because she can see my pain and how i don't deserve it but that until i learn to be a better judge of character i'll continue to live that life.

Of all the things she said the thing that hurt the most is that she blamed herself. She said that maybe the reason i wind up with those folks is because of the type of person my father is. I never thought that this bullshit would lead to my mom questioning 45+ yrs of marriage. I've come clean to just about everyone that knows about the situation and i feel much better. The person that i haven't told stuff to doesn't care anyway so i'll keep that bit of info to myself. At this point in my life i'm at peace and it feels heavenly. I can't let others self doubt and self hate bring me down. Most importantly though i have made peace with myself. For a minute i was blaming myself for what happened. Although i realized the significant role i played in the drama, i also see how it escalated and how it could and should have been diffused.

I miss my nephew. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my cats. I'm blessed and i know it. I'm thankful for who I am and what i have become. I'm thankful for what i have overcome and i am eager to see what is in store for me next. I wish those around me all the happiness in the world and i hope that everyone is able to find peace within themselves....

time for a new piercing cuz this is REALLY a milestone in my life.