An Open Letter of Sorts

I believe that I will be moving this diary... i never wanted to feel like i had to censor my words on this page. I even issued disclaimers. I don't post things here in hopes of opening lines of communication. I don't put things here for people to get their feelings hurt over. I don't put things here so that i can be questioned or interrogated later on. Basically what this is is a journal... an opportunity for me to get out intimate thoughts that i need to get out. I am letting you be the ultimate voyeur... letting you peek into my life and letting you get a sense of what I'm going through... it's almost like i left the house and left it sitting open on the coffee table. I know it's there, but i don't expect to come home to see my pages highlighted and your notes in the margin...

I have been hurt by most of the folks that read this. I have been forced to answer to many people for your actions and the actions that i have taken as a result of your actions. I have been held accountable for your moves, your words, your promiscuity, your failures, and your shortcomings... but never your successes. I have been asked to stand up for each of you at some point, and other times i have done so willingly. I have loved each of you unconditionally and received deceit, betrayal, lies, love, joy, happiness, sadness, indifference, and a host of other things in return. I feel that there is only one of you that has consistently given me what i have given and to that person i say thank you... and in the even that he doesn't know who he is: Nate, thank you for everything.

But to all of you i will say this. I have been called on on more than one occassion to answer questions about your actions... i see why i wanted to major in PR because i am essential a PR agent to all of you. When you make posts about me or that have to do with something here, I get the calls, IMs, inboxes and emails from ppl wanting the inside scoop. When you don't call or make any attempts to get in touch with people, they call or email me... not for your number but to find out what's going on. Some are gossip hounds... looking for the negative... some are concerned family members... some are just curious... but few are ever concerned with me. So i field the questions like a good PR agent, "Oh she's just busy, but she asked about you the other day... I'm not sure why she hasn't called, but i know she misses you guys" .... "Well i'm not sure why he's mad, maybe you should ask him... yeah it hurt, but he can say whatever he likes... no i didn't see any need to retaliate"... "I think he's got a great future, just gotta get over these roadblocks... if you've got negative stuff to say, i'd prefer we don't talk" I get it weekly... and yet i move forward.

I have been held accountable for almost every negative thing that has happened to each of you since i have known you. Such and such is mad, what did you do? Why did you leave her? How could you let that happen? I play it off like it doesn't hurt... but it does. Because no matter what i say, my decision to protect you leaves me looking like the fool... what if i was honest once in awhile? "Why doesn't she call you? shit, i dunno... she doesn't even call me... how is she? hell if i know..." "He wrote it because he blames me for hurting his feelings... truth is he knew all along what he was getting into... was i misleading... probably... but shit happens"... "I don't know how long he'll be here... yeah he moves around alot... I guess he is broke" What would any of that solve? Who would be happy? Who would be hurt? The gossip hounds would get their fill... but what would my lashing out accomplish? Nothing.

If i've seemed cold the past day, week, month, year, decade... this is why... because i'm tired. I'm tired of being the one that has to be "mature". I'm tired of having to be the grown up and let shit slide. i'm tired of being blamed when shit goes wrong. I'm tired of losing friends as a result of your actions. I'm tired of doing all the listening. I'm tired of standing in the shadows while you shine. I'm tired of spending so much time helping, praying, listening, advising, driving, hugging, wiping away tears, making phone calls, writing letters and paying that i don't have time to do anything for myself. I have overextended myself on countless occassions for each of you... be it financial, emotional, or physically. On some occasions i get thank yous... sometimes i don't.... but let's get one thing clear... i do it all because i want to. not because you ask, not because you demand but because i love each of you and i would walk to the ends of the earth to see you all smile. That's what friendship is about. I have watched each of you grow in some way or another, some bad, but mostly good and i am proud of a lot of what i see. But as each of you grows and needs less and less from me i am starting to realize that my time left with you is slowly coming to an end.

I have always felt that people come into my life when they need something... and once they get whatever it is they need, they move on. And I'm glad that i have that gift... the ability to help is something i cherish and enjoy. my only question now is who am i supposed to turn to once everyone has moved on?