Sinking

I'm going down. slowly but surely. but i feel it.

The depression is creeping back in, the hopelessness is knocking at my door and the anxiety is climbing on my back. At this point in time, everything makes me cry. The truth of the matter is that i am unstable. I have a feeling that as soon as i sit in my counselor's chair this afternoon, i will break down and cry. I hate it when i get like this because i can't figure out why I get like this. The thing that makes it all so complex is that I honestly don't know who to turn to.

I think that being black and suffering from mental illness is the worst possible thing in America. There is some misconception that being "crazy" is some white ppl shit... or some type of weakness. As a result ppl pass judgment, tell you stupid shit like "it'll pass" or just make fun of you. I kinda think of it like if someone has cancer and you treat them like they're making that shit up.

It has taken me a long time to truly admit that i am sick. I have been sick probably since high school. It started with low self esteem which turned into depression in college. I lost 35 lbs in college because i just stopped eating. I got a little bit better when i came home in 97 but i really never let go of any of that hurt. my illness has resurfaced on numerous occassions and in many different forms but i would say that after 9/11 it all came to a head and started rapidly declining.

By all accounts i suffer from post traumatic stress dissorder as a result of what happened on 9/11 combined with my abusive relationship. That's quite possible because i know i haven't been the same since either of those events. I'm afraid of almost everything although i hide it fairly well. I'm compulsive and tend to act without thinking. I want people to like me so badly that i don't stand up for myself when i need to. I let people get away with things i shouldn't and a million other things all because I'm afraid of what they will think of me.

But i'm seeking help and i hope it will work. I just worry about those black folks that don't seek help because they think it makes them weak. I see traces of mental illness in so many ppl that i know and i worry. As a group, the people i know have such heavy burdens that i just wish they would seek some sort of help.

I'm rambling but i guess it makes sense to me.

Take care and please, pray for me.