I knew this day would come

i just didn't think it'd be this soon. I'm at the point where my two blogs are starting to come together. This means that apparently my life is starting to just revolve around school. I guess that's a good thing to a certain degree. I'm definitely stepping my game up and i know that's important. Making alliances and meeting people that i hope will play an important part of my law school career and the rest of my life. But i'll save that info for the other blog

In other news I go see the crazy doctor next week. Hopefully the process to getting them to prescribe my medication won't be a long and drawn out one. I also hope that the weekly meetings won't become burdensome. I also have an appointment next week with the Dean of Student Affairs (sounds scary huh?) It's not that big of a deal though. I need to talk with his office to discuss how school will change for me once i have a baby... (i'm still so detached from that thought but more on that later). But yeah I'm meeting with them to talk about going part-time if necessary or even taking a semester off.

I wouldn't give up being a woman for a million dollars but when it comes to juggling careers and pregnancy, that shit is ridiculously hard. I'm sure there are those that will question why i'm doing this now. I am perfectly aware that it will create an enormous strain on both of us. But right now we're like, "if not now, when?" Of course i could wait until i get out of school but at that point i'll be starting a career. As "family-oriented" as law firms claim to be, few would smile upon a woman having a child within her first year of working there. There is the option of waiting until i've been there a few years, but neither of us wants to put it off that long.

In case it isn't obvious, i'm still having trouble picturing me as a mom. I look at him, and i see exactly what type of father he will be: a leader, a role model, a mentor. He will definitely be the stabilizing force in the family. The logical one. Me? I'mma be the crazy scatterbrained mom. I'll be able to write down all the activities the kids participate in, but he'll be the one that actually remembers to pick them up. The idea of having a child is very intimidating to me. I come from a family full of amazing mothers. My mom and my two sisters have had their share of difficulties. But they handle it like it's second nature. I'm worried that my selfishness will interfere with my abilities.
The truth is, I like having him to myself. I like the quiet times on the couch, gigling in Adams Morgan, discussing the religions of the world until 3am. I've never met anyone that challenges me intellectually the way he does. With him, it's not condescending... everything is an opportunity to learn more and i love that he is able to share his knowledge with me and accept what i bring to the table as well. I don't feel like i've had him to myself since 2001. There was always school, work, my fuckin up... there was always something that acted as a barrier and i regret the fact that i needlessly added to that. I think of the times when it will be the 3 of us, learning and growing together, or the two of them spending time, and it makes me smile. I just know that it will also be important for us to not lose sight of who we are and the things that we enjoy doing as a couple.
Another truth is that i do legitimately have a drinking problem. That's scary as well. Being pregnant, going thru my first year of law school, and getting married.... That's a lot of stuff going on at once. i find myself turning to alcohol more and more frequently lately. A pitcher of margaritas here, 5 pina coladas there... I really do drink alot. I need to phase that out (or stop altogether) as soon as possible. I don't want anything to affect the health of my child.

wow... i've never really phrased it like that before
"my child"

That's something to think about for sure.
But enough with the sappy shit. That ain't me.

I'm bout to go finish this Chinese Food, brush my cats, and call it a well deserved night.