Is it Just Me?

I guess this post goes along with the Button pushing post, but there are some things that I'm not understanding right now. Why is it that people give you partial information and then when you make a comment based on that information they catch an attitude with you because they didn't tell you everything?
That is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. I mean maybe I am a little "overhelpful" but please give me a damn break. I mean I don't nag because I love to piss people off. I don't ask questions repeatedly to hear myself talk. I have seen that some people don't respond to things the first time you say them, so I have learned to say things a second time to these people... but all I get is yelled at. I swear I don't have time for the shit. So what am I supposed to do? Not be helpful? Not offer my opinion? I am sure that there are those out there who think that I am overreacting but this is a very real situation for me and it frustrates the hell outta me.

What am I supposed to do?

Button Pushing

Have you ever found yourself with a talent that you have no use for? I am at that point in my life. Of all the "hobbies" and skill to develop, I feel like I've been gyped. You see my talent, is button pushing. I can piss ANYONE off. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm bragging because I'm not. This isn't a talent that I am particularly fond of. Maybe if I knew how to focus this energy, maybe if I knew what to do with it, things might be different. But as it stands now, all this "power" is good for is pissing people off and making them not want to talk to me.

HAIR

What exactly is hair. I mean I know WHAT hair is but what is its significance? I know people defined by their hair... I know people that don't feel right if they have a hair out of place. But what IS it about hair that makes it so important? I used to LOVE my hair... Through all of the bad shit that I have been thru I held on to my hair... ignoring it when it was sick... Loving it when it appeared healthy. My hair hid bruises, it changed who I was... or so I thought. Hair is kinda like makeup to most people. It kinda covers up what's really going on. Have you ever looked at people's hair? People who are in control of their lives tend to have really great hair... People who's lives are in shambles tend to have really bad hair. lol. I guess i shouldn't laugh, but it's kinda funny to me that those "out of control" folks will go to great lengths to try to fix their hair.

What people don't seem to realize that hair is more than that. If your hair is unhealthy it's probably because you're unhealthy. Your hair reflects your personality and is connected to your soul. My hair was unhealthy, it was engative. My hair had years of bad living in it. It felt badit made me feel bad, even on "good" hair days,, hell even on "excellent" hair days, there was always something wrong.
I finally realized what my hair was. It was a negative force. It held in negativity... so I got rid of it. I cut it all off.
I thought it'd be weird. I thought I'd regret it, but I can't stop smiling. I absolutely love it. I'm not sure what my next step will be, but I'll figure something out.

This change has given me AMAZING strength. I hope that I can continue to grow and learn about myself.

Be careful what you ask.

It never ceases to amaze me that someone can say something very innocently and unmaliciously and it can stab you in the heart like a dagger. I was just sitting on my couch when Mr. Dagger comes strolling by. He looked very innocent for awhile and I figured he wasn't there for me (although I should have known better since I am the only one in my house with feelings). So Mr. Dagger starts a convo with me about this and that... and I noticed that he was moving closer and closer to me on the couch, so finally I'm like you know what... let me let him stab me. So I ask a question and up jumps Mr. Dagger, straight thru the heart (*insert sigh here*).

Soooo... what does that mean? I mean I knew what was gonna happen, but I asked anyway. Why? I think it has to do with the difference between "needing to know" and "wanting to know". I did not WANT to know the answer to my question, but i needed to know. I think I spend a lot of my life doing tat same thing. I was blessed (or cursed) with the gift of understanding. I read people's minds, inadvertantly. I know that sounds like "woo woo" nonsense, but it's true. Always has been.

The good thing is that I understand that some people need to be who they are and you can't change them. Some people need to use other people, some people need to hurt people, some people have to be liars and some have to be jerks. I used to try to change those people... I used to want to help them, but I've realized that that isn't my place... so now I let them be and, as a result, I end up knowing they're going to hurt me and... sucking it up and dealing with it.

The question is (and I NEED to know this) does that make me stronger or weaker?

What a difference a day makes... I think.
I have come to a pretty scary conclusion. I don't think I like people very much. Well maybe i should say that I am rather intolerant of them. I hate the fact that I am like that. There are some people that I have known for a long time that I could just talk to forever there are people that I haven't known that long that I could be around forever, but there are those people that I seem to have no tolerance for and I don't like that. I try to find something "good" about everyone. But sometimes I find myself in conversations where my mind is wandering and I have no idea why I am bothering with this person or that person. And it frustrates me, I mean it really makes me angry because I'm like who am I to think that someone is boring... maybe I'm boring. Maybe you're sitting here reading this thinking how boring I am...
But who knows...

In the midst of one of my many rantings and ravings last night I realized what it is that I am truly searching for in life (well one of the things because I am almost positive that this will change in the next 24 hours)...

Anywho, I think that I just want to be heard. I mean I have a voice that has been muted for so long and for so many different reasons that now, I want to be heard. It all starts very young, "Children should be seen and not heard" so there I sat and waited to be grown (side note - why is it that parents tell you about all the great things that you can do when you're grown (cross the street by yourself, stay up late, eat what you want, etc) but then tell you not to rush to grow up?). When I reached adolescence, I thought I knew it all and apparently I didn't so I was told to keep my mouth shut. In school boys are encouraged to "volunteer" answers at the top of their lungs whenever they saw fit, while the girls were always told to raise their hands, although they were rarely called on...

Lately I have begun to realize the strength of my mind. The thoughts that pass through me are valid and important and should be acknowledged. I can't really say that I am full of enlightening conversation but I will say that I am capable of a lot more than people present me with. I often find myself bored with "conventional" topics and find myself searching (usually in vain) for some sort of intellectual stimulation. I have a sneaking sensation that my brain is turning to mush and I'd really prefer it if that didn't happen.

At any rate, here goes.
I have decided to go public with my journal. Public in the sense that I will be actually telling people I know about it. So I guess I need to issue a disclaimer. This is the place that I come to tell the truth. I don't plan to hold anythig back and I have every intention of speaking my mind. If you are easily offened or don't think that you can handle what I think perhaps this isn't the place for you. If you think that this journal is going to be about you, don't flatter yourself. It's about my reaction to you, but not you.

I am at a point in my life where I am seeking a higher level of consciousness and spirituality. That is a process that I have chosen to begin with one other person and this journal relates primarily to that. Anyone that thinks they know me will understand my rantings and mood swings, those of you that think you do, may be a little thrown off kilter and confused. I will not apologize for my words because they are my thoughts at the time they are posted. I don't expect anyone to agree with me. I don't care if anyone agrees with me. This is about me. I have spent most of my life worrying about how to help others and not paying enough attention to myself.

So, to the person that I am going on this journey with I would like to thank you for your help, your stength and patience. To those who have been there for me thank you, I appreciate your strength. To those of you who have leeched off of me to the point where I lost my way thank you, I appreciate the lessons that you taught me. For those of you seeking enlightenment and guidane, i wish you all the best.

I love you all!

Have you ever felt like a complete burden? Every time I turn around I seem to be bothering someone or something. Sometimes I know that I overreact but other times I think my actions are justified until someone tells me otherwise. I think my biggest problem is that I don't want to sit inside these boxes that other people make for me. I feel like everyone has an idea of who I should be and then when I don't live up to it they become frustrated with me. But is that my fault? I mean if people would take the time to know me and see who I really am then my reactions wouldn't seem so unusual.

You know, my day started off normal enough and then this mack truck just kinda came by and slammed into me and now I'm sitting here with the little stars circling around my head. I went from being "extremely" talented to being wordy and *gulp* boring! Of course that started the whole "you're too sensitive" argument and now we're "debating" who's more annoying... what happened?!?!?!

love!