One More Week

That's right, one more week til my birthday. To be honest, i haven't quite decided whether or not I'm looking forward to it. 27 was pretty blah and i have a sneaking suspicion that 28 will be too. Right now my main concerns are finding out how i did on the LSAT and finishing my MBA. The rest is pretty unimportant.

Moment of Clarity (c) Jay-Z

Honestly I'm just tired of trying. I think i'm gonna drop off the radar for awhile. Folks don't know how good they got it. Someone got a little too cocky with what they had... then he lost it. He ain't been the same since... I love him though and i'm glad he realized it. Other folks... *shrugs* they don't care. It's always me, me, me. Hell even when they pretend to be interested in my life, it usually ends up with them listening long enough to come up with a story to tell me.

So yeah, i'm bout to be out.

The Trouble with Being Myself

The problem is nobody likes me. They like the person they think i should be, they like the person that bends over backwards to help them, but "me", I get on people's nerves and need constant attention. I know why... I played second fiddle since my freshman year of high school... never had too many of my own friends, and even in those circles i was more of a sidekick that set up jokes or made jokes at my own expense. Since birth everyone always wanted to watch me do something. She's so smart - listen to her, she's so cute - watch her, she's in a play - everyone go to it, she's got a dance recital - bring out the troops. The truth of the matter is that in my home life, it has always been about me and in my dealings with my peers, it's rarely about me. For the most part i don't seek the spotlight. There is a select group of my friends that I ask (DEMAND) attention from, to be sure, but that's really about it. I don't seek praise at work, always wanted to be behind the scenes on radio, never "dressed to impressed", danced on tables, or even spoke loud to be seen (episodes of drunkeness don't count)... but for whatever reason I'm just not likable.


To a certain degree it bothers me, because i mean, who doesn't want to be liked. But at the same time it pisses me off. I mean the truth of the matter is I shouldn't ask questions if i don't want to know the answer. I'm quickly learning that.

*SIGH*

Well the studying is still going fairly well. I'm consistently getting in the range that i wanted... but the score keeps going down. i'm not really sure if it's the fact that I'm not simulating the conditions well enough or the fact that some things I just don't know. The good thing is that I am actually "getting" the difficult parts of the test. The logic games are starting to make sense to me and that feels good. But there are still some things that I am unsure of. Tonight will be the lock myself in my room and study all night session.

Life has taken an interesting turn for me lately. Spending the last two years living with Brooks taught me a lot about myself... and moving out with two roommates has taught me a lot more. I hated how quiet the house would be when i lived with Brooks, i hated not having anyone to talk to when he didn't have anything to say to me. With my roommates i always have someone to talk to. The problem is, the moody side of me doesn't always feel like talking. One thing that is hard for me to adjust to is how loud it can be with three people in the house. Granted i do my fair share of yelling and acting crazy, but sometimes i just wish everyone would be quiet. I've never really lived with "loud" people before. even when Ronnie (crackhead) and his 6 friends were at the house it was never particularly loud. I definitely feel out of my element.

For awhile i wasn't sure why i felt that way, either. My cats tipped me off to it believe it or not. When I brought them to the house, they were miserable. They aren't used to people raising their voices either and so everytime someone would yell, they'd jump. Seeing how often they jumped made me realize just how noisy it was.

Talking to my psychologist yesterday made me think about a lot of stuff too. I think that now that the Ritalin is kicking in, she's ready to move onto the other aspects of my life, particularly marriage and my future. I don't have as much anxiety as i did before, not sure if that has to do with being able to focus or not, but I think that i have a lot of issues from my childhood to work through.

The more things change...

Well let's see. I am now on double the amount of Ritalin that i was on when I first started. Actually that's not a lot. I'm currently taking 10mg a day (5mg two times) and enjoying the "benefits" of clear thinking and having a sense of direction. They cancelled my LSAT this past weekend due to snow and I'm pissed off about that. Hopefully they'll reschedule it to sometime soon so that I can get my grades to these schools and hear back from them. I think the anticipation might be worse than having to do all those essays.

I just hope tht some school, somewhere not only wants me, but wants me bad enough to give me money...

In other news... Oh yeah there isn't any other news. I hate this time of year. It makes me think about the things i miss. I wish my nephew wasn't in Saudia Arabia. I wish Jay wasn't dead, I wish my brother was still alive... I just wish that I didn't feel so abandoned. But 'tis the season to be jolly... so time to put on my happy face... boost myself on Ritalin and pray for the safety of those i care about.