Have you ever gotten the feeling that you lack "true" direction? I think that i have changed my path so many times that I have lost sight of what it is that I truly love. So here i am 26 years old, trying to hold on to what i truly enjoy. Ok here's the problem. I want to be rich. Although this is not a problem in itself, it somewhat contradicts my other two desires: I want to help people and I want to be involved with the music industry. How in the world do you tie these things together? Right now my biggest thrill is trying to gain access to sold out concerts... that's it. I go to work and send out emails to try to get into these shows that are otherwise closed to the public... why? Presumably to feel important. or maybe for the love of the music. I'm not really sure. I just know that I always wanted to be one of those people that was always where the action was... so now i'm living that life. How in the world can I find direction?

Oh yeah and I also got to meet an Olympian and see a real live gold medal... pretty cool!

You know the thing I like most about my new job is the people that stop by to visit. For those that don't know what it is that I do here's the quick version. I work at a speaker's bureau. When people throw conferences and want experts on certain topics or specific people we book 'em and take a cut :)
My job is to make sure all of the logistics (i.e. travel, hotel, etc) get taken care of. soooo....

Yesterday the FLying Fish guys from Seattle stopped by. In my opinion, these guys are absolutely great! They basically "decided" that they were going to become "World Famous" and it hapened. The cool thing about it is they didn't sit down and write out a plan to be famous, they just started treating people in a "world famous" way and it happened. One of the guys said something like, "When you commit to something, the Universe aligns to make it happen" How GREAT is that. So that's how I'm living my life. I don't want to be world famous but I want to acheive a lot of other things that are completely possible!

On top of that, my plants are growing (and so is my hair)!

Isn't life grand?!?!?!

I think that inadequacy has to be the thing that I am most unable to deal with. That is something that I honestly truly cannot stand. i hate to feel inadequate. I think that I have spent so much of my time dealing with situations where I have been told that I wasn't good enough that I have managed to internalize that and that is VERY destructive.

I need to figure out how to build me up and realize my worth!

I'm starting over again. Reinventing myself... again.

I am changing schools... rethinking my path... thinking about new things... and tiring myself out.
You know I am starting to realize how wonderful my significant other (he hates the term 'boyfriend') truly is. I called him... no i sent a frantic email to him begging him for help on getting into a school... without hesitation he made sure I had everything i needed...
I love that guy!

You know, one thign that I hate the most about me is that no matter how upbeat I try to remain, there are times when I get down on myself and it seems to take forever for me to shake it. I remember that there was a time when i seemed to have friends all over the place. Now I have a few, none of which ever really bother to call or visit or email.. I mean hell I could be dead and I don't think some of them would notice. I used to feel like it was my duty to keep in touch with folks, to call and check in... now i pretty much have a "Fuck em" mentality... Is that harsh? Probably. But how many years do you work at a one sided relationship? I feel like if people want to be bothered they'll let me know, and the ones that reach out to me I reach out to as well. I am a firm believer in karma. I think that i have a good soul and i believe that that entitles me to good things. By wasting time on things that don't provide me with the good, I'm wasting karma... so fuck it.

I know that I probably seem pretty negative right now, but that's just what I'm feeling, I can't and I won't apologize for my feelings. I'm tired of people hurting me and making me feel guilty for their short comings. I'm over that... Let them deal with their own karma.