A Million Miles a Minute

It never ceases to amaze me how quick i am to put ideas out there without giving any thought to all the work that has to go into them.

That being said, it looks like there will be a party/get together at my house for the 4th or the 3rd or something like that. So i gotta go shopping and buy, and cook, tons of food and alcohol... I'm not sure how that part slipped my mind but apparently i was smoking crack when i started inviting people. I'll probably turn it into a crab feast to keep the majority of the burden offa me. I'll play bartender all damn day... but i ain't tryna be slavin away in the kitchen while the masses are having fun.

This will be a wonderful weekend :)

Jill Scott and Prince

I remember when i was younger and not allowed to go to concerts... now i do what i want when i want. So this summer I'mma see Jill Scott and Prince within weeks of one another. yay me!

Sorry Mamma

Once again I've disappointed my mom. She basically told me that i'm a pushover and i let ppl take advantage of me. She also pointed out my tendency to wind up in abusive relationships. She got on me for constantly bringing people into my life who feel the need to intimidate and disrespect women... and there was nothing i could do but agree. She told me that it hurt her because she can see my pain and how i don't deserve it but that until i learn to be a better judge of character i'll continue to live that life.

Of all the things she said the thing that hurt the most is that she blamed herself. She said that maybe the reason i wind up with those folks is because of the type of person my father is. I never thought that this bullshit would lead to my mom questioning 45+ yrs of marriage. I've come clean to just about everyone that knows about the situation and i feel much better. The person that i haven't told stuff to doesn't care anyway so i'll keep that bit of info to myself. At this point in my life i'm at peace and it feels heavenly. I can't let others self doubt and self hate bring me down. Most importantly though i have made peace with myself. For a minute i was blaming myself for what happened. Although i realized the significant role i played in the drama, i also see how it escalated and how it could and should have been diffused.

I miss my nephew. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my cats. I'm blessed and i know it. I'm thankful for who I am and what i have become. I'm thankful for what i have overcome and i am eager to see what is in store for me next. I wish those around me all the happiness in the world and i hope that everyone is able to find peace within themselves....

time for a new piercing cuz this is REALLY a milestone in my life.

Patience

I called my sister this morning to see what was goin on with my nephew. Unfortunately the news was not good. Basically he's in jail and will be there for a fairly long while. My head is very cloudy right now and i honestly don't know how to process it. I've been trying my damndest to deal with this for the past couple weeks but it seems like there are other tests in store for me as well. i'll just be sitting at my desk and all of a sudden a memory of me and my nephew acting dumb will come to mind and it pains me to the point of tears. I wish i just knew what the outcome would be so that i can stop worrying.

On top of that my dad is taking the whole thing pretty hard. I love him so much and it pains me to see him hurt.

I just keep tellin myself that it has to get better... it has to.

The Tipping Point

So i have heard this new creation in its entirety and i am really feelin it. It's nice to see the roots goin back to hip hop. Although i'd still like to see them experiment during live shows, i really like what they did with this album. I cannot wait for it to drop so i can give them some loot that they truly deserve.

Make sure you get this album... cuz i said so

5:00 in the morning... where you gonna be?

So it's not quite 5am... more like 4:30... but i've been up since 3 so i think i can say it's whatever time i want. I have tossed and turned since i laid down and i finally had to just get up out of the bed. I tried to stay in bed so that i would eventually drift off to sleep but my mind was racing and didn't seem to want any parts of that.

I wish i could get into what's on my mind... but here is really not the place. The reality of my life is that no matter how hard i try to play the nonchalant tough girl role, some shit hurts me very deeply and it's not easy for me to just forget about it. I look at my life, and where i am in life and i will honestly say that i am blessed. I have acheived things and done things that many ppl haven't and/or won't. I recognize that and i am greatful to have had those opportunities. I just wish that i could achieve some of my goals in my personal life as well.

I'm gonna stop now because i don't want this to be a woe is me entry. I'm really not in that kind of mood. I just got a lotta shit on my mind and i'm tryna work through it....

Thanks for listenin

I'm Back Bitches

So the song from the previous entry is the one i currently have on repeat... much to Nate's dismay. The words to this song have forced me to take a long hard look at who I am, where I'm headed and what I want. It's not that the song is particularly deep (although there are some key lines) it's just that the song deals with introspection... looking back at the past and coming up with some sort of "guidelines" for moving forward. For whatever reason, i'm not able to do that. I go through the same shit over and over again rather than learning and moving on. That's not growth. So at this point in my life, i am making a concious effort to grow. I want to change the bad and work on the good and most importantly, to move on.

The past several months has helped me to look at life a lot differently. A lot of things i thought i'd never do, i've tried. Some good, some bad, but it's growth nonetheless. I've met some cool people as a result and realized that some people that i thought were cool aren't shit. The key here is for me to take that knowledge and do something with it... stay tuned