My Crew

It seems as if a member of my infamous crew will be making a trek up here this weekend and i cannot wait. We had a long talk the other night about college and how much freakin fun we had. It made me realize just how glad i am that i went to a black school. From what i can see from my friends that went to other schools, all the black ppl had to hang around together... the frats were a HUGE part of everything that had to do with black folks and the folks seemed pretty homogenous. Granted there were some differences but they seem slight. At Hampton I realized that there are so many types of black people that its amazing.

We talked alot about the fun times we had and how much things have changed since then. Of course he had to bring up how they used to annoy me because they were so damned immature. I was like the mother hen. Not bossy, not stuck up, but just the one that watched out for everyone and made sure they were all ok. I miss those days to a certain degree. It was nice to be surrounded by a group of people, all very different and yet so much alike. I miss the spontanaeity of college. I miss just going to VA Beach and chillin. I miss being around people that know me and know what the lines are. The funniest shit he brought up was about me and my sharing tendencies. It was a known fact that i don't like people touching my shit. So they didn't... and i didn't share food for shit... unless you asked me first... taking my food and reading my magazines before me were like two of the worst things you could do. But folks knew that so they didn't push the line.

I hate living in a place where i have to lock my room door because a roommate doesn't know that knocking doesn't mean automatic entry. I hate living in a place where you can ask someone not to eat the last of something and they do it anyway... shit like that really irks me. But that's ok. I live with one of my best friends and he makes it very bearable. He reminds me a lot of KG. They have so much in common it's crazy. But i definitely appreciate all he's done for me and God knows i'm gonna miss him when he's gone.

Sexism

Yes, the beast has reared its ugly head. This morning, I'm angry. Perhaps its the loud giggle produced sleep deprivation, or maybe it's just the general sense of confusion that i am experiencing, but no matter what it is, it's pissing me off. I hate the fact that i live in a society that basically deems womanhood as an unacceptable inconvenience. I want to be a mother and have a family one day. I want my children to be happy, well adjusted individuals, but i also want to work. I don't want to sit around all day... that's not the life i would choose for myself. But for whatever reason, we can go to other countries but can't figure out how to make the workplace "parent friendly".

The term "working mother" can evoke all sorts of reactions from admiration, to elation, to respect, to eyerolling, to downright contempt. Most people picture the "working mother" as that lady that runs out of the office everyday at 2:30 to pick up the kids because the day care plans fell through. Sometimes she'll come back to the office, kids in tow, and plunk them down at a desk with some pens and paper. That usually lasts for all of 13 seconds... The other working mother is always taking days off work because Bobby and/or Suzy is sick or is suspended or needs something. How often have you heard the term working father. For every working mother, there's a father of some sort somewhere. If he is taking responsibility for the children and/or is involved in a relationship with the mother and he has a job, then guess what? He's a working father. But how often does the working father go running off at 2:30 or call into work late because Suzy forgot her lunch? Hardly ever. How much "paternity" leave does a father take? 2 - 3 days?

As I head off to law school in a few months, i am deciding on schools based on criteria like # of classes offered, externship opportunities, faculty to student ratio and which school will leave me in the least debt so that i will be able to make it when i take maternity leave and only earn half (if that) of my salary.

So yeah, i'm pissy today. But i'mma make it. :)

Peace

It looks like it will be a fairly peaceful weekend at the house so I will do my best to get my hair done and out of the way (yeah right). I really need to catch up with some of my old friends. I feel so out of touch with everyone. It's so great to see how we've all matured and i would love to spend some time with them. Chaka said that him and his wife are planning a get together soon which would be great. I still haven't seen the completed house and i can't wait to see the fruits of their labor.

Spring is coming along nicely in DC. The newspeople are doing their best to whip everyone into a cicada frenzy... and I'll admit i'm doing my part too... I just can't help it! I haven't been taking pictures like i should either... I suck. This whole school thing is getting me down, but i'm trying to keep my head straight.

I'm also trying to have a BBQ soon... but seeing as i have no location and no equipment, the odds are against me.

I believe that's all for now.

Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself

Yes, I'm back. I think i just wanted to say i was leaving for the hell of it. I'm sure no one is checking for me anymore and I think that's just fine with me.

I am constantly amazed at how dilusional some people can be. Recently i was in a situation where a person went out of their way to make me feel as if my mental condition (ADD/Depression/etc) made me think that they were initiating personal attacks on me. As a matter of fact, he even went so far as to say that perhaps the medication (or lack of) was the reason i was having these thoughts. 3 - 4 months later, another female is saying the exact same thing... and he's accepting it.

Part of me is pissed because i know that i had to endure a lot of rude and unnecessary comments. I don't think that it's fair that this person chose to actively portray me negatively to so many people (i.e. going out and telling people about how "crazy" i am) and then never bothering to clearing it up. I don't really care when people don't like me based on things that i do, but to not like me based on one person's account of the events... that's just bullshit. At the same time, i don't think i'd like anyone that chose to believe that type of information anyway.

The other part of me though... that part of me just feels sad for dude. It's obvious that there are a lot of issues that he's dealing with so i really hope he gets better. I just wish it could have happened sooner.

On the law school front... I think i'm going to go with American. It is going to set me back a LOT of money... but i think it makes more sense. I just hope that no one ever asks me why i chose that school... i'd have to pull out a lot of data to plead my case.

The End

This is the last post in this blog. I'm tired of being questioned about the contents. Some of you will get info on where it has been moved to. Some won't. If you don't, please don't ask.

On second thought, if you don't and I don't know you read this, then ask... but if you don't, i know you read it, don't ask...

I think that makes sense.

Take care.

Mondays

I'm starting to see a pattern... i hate Mondays. The weekend was pretty decent... had a convo i needed to have... divulged some info i needed to divulge... and had a surprisingly enjoyable time. I expected a much different reaction than the one i got, but it's peace.

In other news, some people are amazingly full of themselves. which makes me chuckle. I was talking to my niece about the folks after "Generation X". Actually the convo started when i made a comment about the folks that think they're Generation X... and how they aren't. We talked about things that people in her age group don't remember. It made me think about the time Dana tried to convince us that she remembered the Jeffersons and we had to tell her she was watching reruns... poor thing. At any rate, the point i was making to my neice is that the things you grow up with have an amazing effect on who you are. I told her that when she gets my age, she'll see what i mean.

I'm not sure if i'm sick or allergic to DC right now but my head is about to explode.

And i saw the cherry blossoms on Saturday... and had Ethiopian food for the first time. I ROCK!

Funerals

I'm supposed to be at a funeral today, but i won't be able to make it. My life is too emotionally exhausting right now to say the least and I don't think I could take it. I can honestly say that I am probably on my way to a breakdown. But for some reason, that doesn't bother me... i'm envisioning lots of bed rest and maybe even some allergy medicine... and that brings me to today's topic: mental health

I am really starting to believe all the stereotypical comments about how black folks view mental illness. For whatever reason, it seems like black folks don't think you can be truly sick unless you have some sort of physical pain or drop dead. Perhaps that's why we continue to consume foods that we are told are bad for us and put lots of crap into our bodies... because i mean it hasn't killed you yet so it must be ok, right? I don't know a single black person that doesn't know someone who suffered from a stroke, heart attack, kidney failure, diabetes, heart disease and any number of other preventable diseases... but they still eat the same foods because I guess it can't happen to them.

Now switch that to mental illness. Statistics say that most people experience depression at some point in their lives. It goes deeper than just a feeling of sadness... it's more like utter helplessness. I'm sure someone out there reading this is thinking, "just suck it up and get over it." I'm just curious why people think it's that easy? what makes anyone think that people want to lay around feeling helpless, unable to sleep or stay awake, no sex drive, and the desire to cry at the most inopportune times... yeah that's loads of fun.

On top of that the medicine is a joke. I mean on the one hand, it gives you the ability to drag yourself out of bed and go out and do things that you need/have to do. But if you stop taking it, they damn near hafta put you on suicide watch. A side effect of anti-deppressent medication should not be suicidal thoughts.

Of course mental illness goes deeper than depression. When i was a psychology major, my favorite class was abnormal psychology. The first week of the class was focused on determining the meaning of the word "crazy". For every definition we through out, the teacher refuted it with a more appropriate term. The purpose of the exercise was to show that calling a person "crazy" with it's negative connotation was actually just an elitest attempt to cover up for one's own insecurities. when i look at the times I've called folks crazy, i realize that's true.

Another thing i learned in that class is that no one is exempt from some sort of "abnormal" psychological behavior. Whether it be mild or pronounced every single person is a bit maladjusted. My friend KG and I would spend countless hours analyzing our friends and ourselves and the results were quite interesting. The most interesting phenomenon revolves around the self destructive actions of most young people. Unhealthy eating, dangerous sexual activity, etc.

From childhood i have known i was different, crazy if you will. But i don't see a problem with it. The truth of the matter is that I am a highly intelligent, extremely observant individual. I pay attention to everything that goes on around me and I tend to know more about people then they know about themselves. Contrary to popular belief, i'm not arrogant about this gift. In fact, I don't even acknowledge it most times. I just sit back and let people dig their own ditches. Sometimes i purposely call people out on things just to see how their thought process works. It's really interesting stuff. My psychologist gave me the greatest insight into my "craziness". She said, "you are a perfectly well adjusted individual. You have above average intelligence and the good sense not to use it too often." I think that sums me up nicely.