So yeah it's my life


But that doesn't mean i want to live it.

Progress?



I guess progress is relative, but either way I think I've made some. The move is still on and it's starting to look up. I have looked at one place, going to see another house on Saturday. I also talked to a good friend of mine last night and remembered that he has a house up here that he's renting or selling depending on what the person is looking for. There are a few intricacies with that (namely the fact that someone already lives there) but he's letting me know if it would be a possibility.


All in all I feel really good about the move. I'm ready to spread my wings. But at the same time I constantly worry if i am doing the right thing.


On the ADD front... I went to a psychologist who has basically told me a few interesting things. The first is that I might not have ADD (the good news) however I might have anxiety or be depressed... or it could be ADD (he shitty news). At any rate I go back next week and she's going to see if i need medication. She also thinks that i might have a drinking problem (this is not news to me). She said I should quit for two weeks and focus on studying on the LSAT... I've gone thru a bottle of Khalua and a bottle of Vodka and haven't picked up a book.

I also have two new "issues" that I'm working on:

I was instructed that I should come up with some sort of reward system for myself. You know, study for an hour and then do "X" for an hours. So, my doctor says, "what do you like to do?" My answer? I don't know.

Plain and simple. I don't know what i like to do. Half the time I don't know who i am.

The second issue has to do with that 2yr detour my life took when I was in an abusive relationship... Why?
My family life was fairly stable. My parents have been together 47 yrs. They argue, but no more than "normal". I have never seen my father hit my mother, although he did spank us when we did wrong. Sometimes that may have crossed the line, but there was no "abuse". Sometimes i think that if i could figure that out, i may understand myself a lot better.

But for now... I need to get into studying...

?

I am at the point where i am forcing myself to write and that has got to be the scariest shit in the world. I don't think that i've ever had writer's block before, so I'm a little bit confused on how to handle this. Perhaps it's anxiety? Maybe it's a sign? All i know is that I don't like it and I want it to stop. I feel like i am going a million miles a minute. I sat down to write (as in pen and paper) what i was feeling and I was all over the place... unfocused, confused. My handwriting looked like I was 5. My life in general seems to be very unbalanced. I'm thinking i need to meditate, read, listen to music and just regroup. What i really need to do at this point in my life is finish something. I need to actually complete something. Something major (in other words not this blog entry).

Work is hell. It's hell because i can't finish anything. My solution? Don't do it. If i know i'm not doing it, I can't get frustrated when I don't accomplish it. Its when you try to do something and fail that it hurts, right? That's the worst attitude ever, and I know it, but it works.

I need to do some reading on adult ADD. Maybe that's my problem? I mean i'm really not used to this. The rambling, the general feeling of incompleteness. i think i'm having a breakdown and Lord knows i don't need that. i got applications to work on. I need to go start a project so that i can finish...


This is getting crazier by the second. i am going to go sit on the couch, love my cats, and relax for the rest of the evening. Tomorrow i will search out answers and try to become balanced.

Life



So I'm really moving out. At this point in time i have nowhere to go, no furniture, and no idea what will happen next. In a way I'm scared to death, but i need to do this. I'm tired of feeling like I'm headed nowhere and doing nothing. I want to go to law school, but I don't know why. I know ABSOLUTELY nothing right now. Things that I thought I felt, I'm not sure about. Things that I thought i knew, I don't.



I haven't felt this confused since the last time "he" beat my ass, kicked me in head and left me passed out on the floor. The physical pain isn't there, but it still hurts like hell.

DAYUM

I can't believe I haven't updated sooner...

So, since my last entry, I've been to Atlanta, Philly, and NY... realized that i love all of them, expanded my list of schools to apply to, and had a fun time doing it.


Most importantly, however, I finally met him! Him = Pete Rock...


I can't even put into words how happy i am about that one. I wish J had gone cuz he would have had a good time, but Brooks and I held it down and had a good time. I was mad as hell driving home at 4 in the am, but still, it was worth it.


Atlanta was amazing to say the least. I had a wonderful time. It was nice to get away for a bit. I'm thinking about travelling somewhere every other weekend. There's too much stuff I haven't seen to just sit in the house all the time.


Friday we went to a party in NYC. That was off the hook too! ?uest and BrainChild held shit tha fuck down! My only regret is that we didn't get there earlier and stay later, but not everyone can hang with me!

Day 2/I almost died tonight

I was planning on coming home and writing about how uneventful today was, no real hunger, got some water, etc... but umm it ain't quite go down that way...


So I'm waiting outside for Brooks to pick me up in front of my school... not a bad neighborhood but not the best either - either way i'm a city girl so i'm always watching my back. So, I see this guy jogging up the street... I didn't really think much of it because there are a lot of buses, cabs etc around there and i figured he was trying to catch one of those. As he jogs past he says hello to me and I nod. He keeps going for about 20 more feet and then he stops and starts yelling in the middle of the street. Once again I didn't think anything of it. I assumed he had missed whatever he was running after and that he was on his cell phone complaining. The whole time i'm trying to look preoccupied but still looking at him out the corner of my eye.

The next thing i know the guy stands in the middle of the street with his back to traffic, with his arms out. Sort of like Jesus on the cross. Then he turns and starts walking towards me. Since I'm right in front of my school, I make sure that i can get in there if i need to. But he just walks up and asks me if i saw what just happened. i nod and tried to ignore him like i do most "crazy" people. So he hands me his card (from Up Against the Wall) and tells me to call him anytime God makes me feel like he just did. At this point i'm pissed because I'm thinking this guy is using God as a pickup line.

About 100 feet from where i am there is a couple parked in a Tahoe or some big truck. The guy walks up to the truck and demands that they get out of the car and acknowledge what God has done. They get out and he proceeds to yell at them. At this point i called the police and said, "There is a guy at this intersection, pulling folks out of their cars. You need to send someone." They take a description and say they're sending someone :-\

At this point i will mention that about 1000 feet in the other direction, someone had previously called the cops and there were two cop cars right there.

The man hops in the truck and starts driving up the street. I get as far back on the sidewalk as possible so that he can't jump the curb and run me over too easily. Instead he drives past and smiles, honks the horn, and waves. He then drives up to where the police cars are, gets out of the truck and into one of them... He comes back down the street towards me, waving a gun out the window and asks me, "what should i do now?"

I'm like you need to do what God says is right and keep driving down the street. He goes swerving off down the street. At this point i run back to my school, which by this time is closing down, lights out, everything. There's a police officer on duty in there and he happens to be coming down the steps. He tries to act like he's not gonna let me in, so I bang on the door harder. FINALLY he lets me in and asks what's wrong... I tell him, there's a crazy man out there in a suit, he just drove up the street in a truck and back down in a police car... he's been yelling in the street for the last 10 minutes. This ASSHOLE hits me with (and i quote) "If he's driving a police car he must be a police officer" At that point i refuse to leave the building while he goes out to investigate...

NOW the police that were parked up the street realize that someone has taken one of their cars and they come running down the street to get it because by this time, the man has gotten back out and left it in the middle of the intersection. So then the cop drives back up the street...


Brooks pulls up and as i get into the car, i see the guy on the hood of the police car being arrested...


At the time I was so pissed at him for taking so long but i realized, had he driven up any sooner, things might not have ended like they did. Suddenly not eating wasn't a big deal...


I am so thankful for the friends and family i have and especially for those people that have touched me in a special way.

Day 1


So day 1 of the fast wasn't bad at all... no dizziness, no fainting, no excessive hunger. I'm really glad to. I'll admit that i was pretty much dreading it. On the one hand i knew the importance of it but I was still scared because I didn't know what to expect. I know i didn't drink enough water yesterday so that is my focus right now. I'm hoping that this will really lead me to some clear decisions and direction.

In a way I hope Day 2 is gonna be more eventful, but on the other hand, if i could get thru a 7 day fast like this, I'd be fine.