Coffee makes me crazy...

I am bouncing off walls right now... It's 9am and i feel like i can go all day!! I'm gonna crash by noon but ah well!



Might be goin to see Gil Scott-Heron tonight and I'm amped (or is it the coffee)! Talk about inspiration! Hopefully it will be a good show.

San Francisco

It was absolutely wonderful! The weather was perfect! There was just the right amount of coolness in the air, enough to make you feel alive and happy. It was warm enough to get rid of the jacket but not oppressive like this DC heat/humidity nonsense!


It was nice to be away from the city and be able to just let go and enjoy. I need that in my life. I'm thinking about investing some money and trying to live off the money i make... I know its a long shot, but damn, I can't work like this for the rest of my life.


So now that I'm back in the "real world" i'm realizing that i have a ton of crap to do... I got school work, work work, law school application work...
It's that whole fear of success thing beating me down. If i don't try and I fail it'll be ok. But what if i actually get into law school? Then I have to go through with it. I think i need to get out and work through some stuff. Become a hermit for awhile... it sounds tempting, but i don't think i could really go through with it.

But How Do You REALLY Feel?

One of my biggest fears when I set out to make this blog "public" was the possible perception that people would have of me as a result. For the most part people have been fairly understanding. Lately though, it seems like all my intentions here and elsewhere are just wrong.

I am being put in situations where i feel like my words are being doubted and to be honest it's very hurtful. I spent a lot of time crying yesterday, because my words seemed to be repeatedly called into question and honestly I couldn't take it. Sometimes I get so frustrated with everything going on in my life. I think that everything that I have gone thru has taught me so much about who i am and what I want, but people are not always receptive to what I feel and that may be one of the most painful things in the world.

I have come to the realization that I am probably terrible at showing love. It doesn't come out as love apparently. Maybe there's a class I can take or someone that I can go talk to about it... all i know is i need help cuz this hurts entirely too much.

Sometimes i wonder how my life can be so uneventful and yet so hectic...


Yesterday was my niece's going away party. I can't believe that she's going away to college! I am so proud of her. I have watched her to become such a beautiful person and I cannot wait to see what she will accomplish. She reminds me a lot of me, but with less of the bad traits and i love her for it. I'm at a point in my life where I really wish i could go back in time and do a lot of stuff over again, specifically 1989 - 2000. That would be where i started messing up and what i think i could change the most. At the same time, i don't think i'd do a thing differently because those years taught me a lot about who i am and life in general.

I leave to go to San Francisco on Wednesday. I'm so excited. I can't wait to see the look on his face once we get there. I honestly don't think we're going to be able to move out there but i'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything will work out somehow. Part of me is starting to settle into my East Coast life and I'm trying hard to not let that happen. It's not that i have anything against the East Coast, it's just that this is not the way I want to live my life. But whatever is meant to happen will happen.

Reflections

I was asked to write about my current relationship and the craziness that is associated with being a woman. I figured it would be an easy task, but just like anything that requires taking a hard look at oneself, it was very difficult


I met him kind of by accident. By that I mean I had sworn off all men; I wasn't becoming a lesbian or anything, but I was just through with relationships for awhile. I was tired of hurting and tired of the let down. When we first started speaking online, I figured he was a cool guy and would make a good friend. At the time my opinion of the type of guy you'd come across online was the type that wasn't out there meeting women by more conventional means, in other words i thought he was unattractive. After awhile we decided to exchange photos and I'll admit, it sparked my interest. After a couple of phone conversations we decided to go out.


(Here's where the craziness starts)Now before I even went to see him, i called a good friend of mine on the phone and I said, if this man is as good looking in person as he is in a photo, i'm going to marry him. That may sound superficial but it was really the personality that got me (honest). We had a wonderful time together and eventually decided on a committed relationship. This was no small task for me, however, because I really wasn't looking for one at the time.


Sometime around the one year mark his friends started asking him when he was going to propose and all that stuff... his answer would always be "soon" or "sooner than you think". Now to me that meant... tomorrow or later on tonight. At that point we were living together, had joint bank accounts, the whole nine. I tried not to bring up the topic because i felt like saying something would make him uncomfortable, but at the same time the thought always loomed in my head. Birthdays passed, Christmases passed, valentine's days... all of the times that I figured would be "perfect" opportunities for him to do it. I'd literally just watch him to see if he looked like he was nervous or thinking about how to do something... it never happened.


From time to time I'd ask if he planned on marrying me to which he'd always reply "yes". I'd ask when and that's when the trouble would start. His answer would basically be, when I'm "ready". So then I'd want to know when he'd be ready. Part of me knew i was pushing buttons but there was another part of me that really wanted to know when. I looked at it like we're doing all the things a married couple does, the only thing that would change is the way we do taxes, what's the big deal. But, for whatever reason, it was bigger than that for him.


I think that a lot of it has to do with our backgrounds, my parents have been married for 47 years and they are still completely in love with one another. His parents aren't married and his views of what marriage are used to be pretty bad (fighting, cheating, etc). I will admit that there is a bit of resentment on my part about the whole issue. I feel like I'm good enough to shack up with, but not to marry. I feel like he'll never ask me because he hasn't already. I know that to a certain degree i'm being selfish, but i feel like he is too. Somewhere along the way there has to be a compromise.

I don't really understand how someone can say that they plan to do something, but then claim to not be ready. Sometimes I think i'm being led on, other times i feel like he's right on the verge of asking. Either way the rollercoaster ride is getting pretty tiring.


Oh yeah, and it'll be two years next Saturday... and he still hasn't asked me.

From bad to better?

Let me just start off by saying that things at my job are MESSED up. I'm not talking about conflict with a coworker or problems with my boss. I am talking about a genuine problem within the company that will result in me working both today and tomorrow. So i am PISSED about that.

In other news, "he" and I had a talk last night. More like me throwing a tantrum and him throwing his guard up. Me: Why don't you do A, B, C, and D anymore? Him: Why do we always have to talk about this can't you see i'm busy? From their he puts on the headphones and ignores me. Lovely.

This has been an interesting summer for me, to say the least. I've learned a lot about myself and my feelings, and about love. The question now is what do i about all this that i've learned. 85% of me thinks i should leave... maybe even 90% but then there's part of me that says, where in the hell would you go? Who knows? I could always live with my mom for two months, request that my job relocate me to LA and freeload off some friends for awhile. Maybe I could even show up on the doorstep of family members who have told me to my face that they hate me and insist that they let me stay there. But those alternatives are drama filled to say the least and I'm really not about that.

I need to be somewhere where i can talk and people will care about what I say. I need to be somewhere where people will encourage me and be there for me. I need to be somewhere where I don't constantly feel like an annoyance. Right now, this is not that place.

Getting Grown

I need to focus. I mean i need to spend an entire weekend in my house just taking care of the things that need to be done. I need to write my personal statement for law school, i need to start getting all my information together about scholarships i need to start writing papers for school. I have so much that i need to get done and i can't get focused. My mind is in so many different places right now. I feel like i'm going in circles. I need a vacation!


My cats are absolutely out of control. I don't know if they feel neglected or what but they are definitely seeking out attention. It's hard having animals that need you like they do. I know it sounds stupid, but if you knew these two you'd understand.


I'll be honest, the move isn't looking good. Every time i turn around things are needing to be paid for. I'm not sure how to take that either. Does it mean i should stop looking into moving or do i just need to stay even more focused?


TGIF!!!