What's the Point


i suppose the idea behind the whole journal thing is to get your thoughts out so that you can go back and see how you felt at a certain point in time, realize your mistakes and move on. So i've been looking over my blog and what not and I definitely see a common theme. Stuck in a rut, lack of direction, where am i going, etc etc. so i know what i need to move away from. The question now is HOW? I guess the answer is that i just need to start "doing." I've given the situation plenty of thought, so I know what I'm looking for, now I just need to start moving in that direction. I think my problem is that I spend too much time thinking about how to get from point a to point b and not enough time doing it (thank you to Olga for helping me realize that one).

eventually I will get there... i just need to find the time to do all the things that need to be done.

What Now

I am so ready for this summer to be over. It seems to be dragging along at a snails pace... but at the same time I need it to move as slowly as possible or risk possible exhaustion. I can honestly say that I am more unmotivated than i've been in a long time. There is so much nonsense going on in my life, that i can't seem to concentrate on the things i need to be focused on. I get the sneaking suspicion that I am being played for a fool on so many levels and for whatever reason I just don't care. I think i'm just tired of the whole game. I mean at some point you have to realize that somethings will never be the way you want them. Happiness is not guaranteed, no matter how close you are to it. You just have to sit back and let things happen. Then try to act tough in public like that shit doesn't sting like hell.

Progression


So where am I these days. Let's see, i am an aspiring photographer, painter, writer, genius in progress. In other words the usual. i have decided that roadblocks or not, I'm gonna follow my dream and if it is meant to be it will. i figure that if i put 110% into it, that's what i'll get back and whether it turns out to be the right path, it'll all work out the way it is supposed to.


Work is cool for the most part, nothing too strenuous, stressful or even thought provoking goes on there. But the stock is up (hooray for options!), the people are cool, and there's no dress code. Can a girl ask for anything more?


I've also decided that i desparately need new friends. After spending the 4th, alone, at home, alone, watching tv, alone, I realize that there has to be more to life than this! I'm too young to be such a home body. The main problem is that the stuff i want to do, no one else wants to do. I'd love to find a hip-hop club and dance my friday nights away in a drunken stupor, but well there are tons of problems with that. First and foremost, i don't know anyone into hip-hop enough or as eager as i am to dance, or who can be a designated driver for me when i pass out. Not to mention the whole part about me trying to stop drinking...


The thing is, i don't know if i am really ready to stop drinking. i guess the fact that i don't know means i'm not, but whatever. i enjoy it, but i know it's not healthy, especially when you get to the point when you're legitimately using it to escape... which i am. The truth of the matter is i'm not unhappy, just confused and rather than deal, it's much easier to have a few drinks and not think about it. i'm to the point where i feel like I need a drink to study, to relax, to get energized, to concentrate, to forget... what's next? To wake up, i just need a bloody mary, to get through the rest of the day, i just need a shot of this? I don't want to go that route, knowing the problems my family has had with drinking, i need to stay away from it.

But not right now...

Roadblocks

Well, I seem to have encountered my first roadblock on the path that i have decided to take.... Money.

Money is always a huge roadblock. Apparently, I'm going to need somewhere around $65,000 to move forward with this endeavor. The next 12 months will indeed prove to be interesting. It's weird because I feel like I should be somewhat intimidated by this task, but I'm not. I have a sense of calm about it that tells me that I'm going to be ok and that is a huge relief.
I absolutely love my new job. XM is a great environment to work in and I'm glad i ended up here. My only concern is will this affect me when it's time for me to leave?

So i prayed before i went to sleep last night. I asked for guidance on this new thing i'm working on and what direction i should take. What do i get? A dream that i'm dating Chris Webber. What in the world am i supposed to do with that?

Well, the first portion of my plan is in effect. I will start my new job on May 5! Now I just need to do all the other stuff that has to be done!

At this point, I have some things in the works... That's really all I can say about it right now. I am so afraid that I will put too much pressure on myself by telling people so this little project will be a secret. It's going to take a lot of planning and hard work but I know I will pull it off. It's cool too!
Before you get to thinking too hard, I'm not pregnant and I'm not getting married anytime soon that i know of. This is just me doing something that I have been wanting to do for awhile. With that said, if i should be moody, angry, depressed, ecstatic, overwhelmed, overjoyed, MIA or any other of a multitude of emotions, please bear with me while i am under construction.