Today's adventure was keeping myself entertained for 8.5 hours with absolutely nothing to do. Actually i had plenty to do today, just no desire or motivation to do it. So, I played scrabble... tons and tons of scrabble. I finally have to face the cold hard truth that my vocabulary sucks!

Sometimes i wonder how many people just sort of humor me... you know the people that really don't care about what you have to say or what you think, but they nod politely and smile in that "special" way that lets you know that their mind is a million miles away. I think i'd rather have someone just say, "look, i'm really not interested in you or what you have to say." Then i could come up with some slick comeback and it would be cool because I had gotten the last laugh.

Sometimes, when you least expect it somthing will happen and send your life in a completely different direction...

That seems to happen to me at least once a day. I spent yesterday at my parents' house with my brother, sisters, neices, nephew, mom, dad and my boyfriend. Most times this would be an unpleasant experience but such was not the case yesterday. Maybe it was the holiday or the fact that we stayed out of each other's way but my dad and i got along and everyone seemed happy to be in each other's presence.

Of course that didn't stop them from teasing me! I became the butt of the joke on many occasions because i basically lack any sort of direction in my life. I am indecisive, i don't finish what i start, i am a scatterbrain. I leave a pile of stuff in one place to go start another elsewhere. It used to be fun to be like that "impulsive, whimsical"... that's how i used to describe myself. Now, i pretty much think that i'm just lost. I don't like being lost. I need direction. i need a goal to acheive something to strive for and that doesn't seem to be happening. The logical thing would be to set a goal for myself and then acheive it, problem is i have absolutely no idea what I want to do.

The result is that I have decided to seek professional help. It's not really a "me" thing to do, but at this point i'm willing to try just about anything.

I NEED A VACATION!

I am finding out the hard way that Sept - Nov are the busiest months for my industry and so I am completely bogged down and overworked. In a way its sort of fun but at the same time it can be VERY frustrating. I like what I do, but I'd much rather do nothing!

At any rate i am in the middle of planning two WONDERFUL vacations. The first will take me to Vegas and LA to see some sights and some people and just relax. The second will take me to either Jamaica or the Dominican Republic for nothing but RELAXATION!!!
It's hard to imagine how badly i am looking forward to this, but with all this madness around me and escape is perfectly in order.

It never ceases to amaze me how important comforting words can be. I think that in times of self doubt we all need to be locked in a room with our closest friends for an intervention of sorts. I thing that its important that we all learn to stop doubting ourselves and start moving forward. I know that it's MUCH easier said than done but i think we'd all be so much better off.

I think that our background and upbringing can really wreck havoc on us following the "right" path for ourselves. I look at my mom and my dad and all that they are and all of their characteristics that i have inherited and i realize that i am in an extreme state of conflict. When I was at home, my mom was amazing! She worked full time, made dinner every night, kept the entire house clean, and always had time for us. Part of me wants to be like her... to be able to provide my future family with all those things... but then there's the other side of me that doesn't see the "big deal" about a family and kids, and that sort of thing. I have a hard time with a boyfriend and two cats, imagine me with kids! I know i measure myself against her and i know that it makes me feel like i am not doing all that i can. The question is, i guess, how do i manage to put all these things together to become a person that i think i want to be?

WTF

Ok so what in the fuck is going on in the world? I would really just like to go to the store, buy my groceries, go to the gas station and pump my gas without tensing up and waiting to be shot! What kind of crap is this that i even have to have a fear of being shot while doing these things. I think that sometimes things get a little bit too out of control for me to comprehend, but i think that this is beyond anyone's comprehension.

What do you call someone who wants to take the LSAT and apply to Law school just to see where they will be accepted? You know i really frighten myself with the emphasis that I place on intelligence. I think that when you spend a lot of your life being shunned and labeled as an outcast, you really try to find a level that you can compete with people on and for me it's brainpower. The problem is, now i'm just competing with myself. It's amazing how out of it i feel now that i am not in school. I mean I'm still studying and learning but there's no structure and that's crazy to me.

I am officially ready to relocate!
However I don't think that my significant other is feeling that decision. Things are a little hectic here in DC... what with people killing people at random and all. I think that maybe "city life" just isn't for me... but I could be wrong... I hope i'm wrong since i'm stuck here for at least a year.

My cats are still around... i think that they are truly derranged. They're still very sweet most of the time but they are a bit maniacal. I am amazed at how boring life is without school. I have all this "free" time. I know that Olga would say that that means that it's time to work on me, but I'm quite boring!

I need a different job. I like what i do, but i want to do something different. I need new friends since none of mine seem to want to be bothered with me... Yeah, I'm in a rut and I'm ready to be out.

Wow...
Has it really been a month!

ok... soooooo... I'm sitting out of school for awhile. Too many obstacles and problems for me to believe that it is where I belong right now. I am the proud new owner of not one but TWO adorable kittens. These are the sweetest creatures I have ever encountered and they are definitely keeping me sane... when they aren't driving me crazy that is.

I don't think that there is too much going on in my life right now. Just wandering thru my existence trying to determine my sense of purpose.. blah blah blah.

Right now my "quest" is to find some friends. You ever wake up and realize that people that you thought you were cool with have completely stopped associating with you, but forgot to tell you? That's about where i am right now. I mean I've always been the "keep in touch" type, but that has gotten pretty old. I'm just going to relax and enjoy the people that seem to want to be bothered.

Also, i think that i am working on establishing a scholarship fund... let me know if you can think of any fund raisers!

Thanks!