In case you're still looking for me...

http://gangstamittens.blogspot.com

blah

my cat is dead. i wanted to find some poetic way to say that... but right now i'm sad and angry and i don't give a shit about being profound.

I spend an hour a week in therapy, talking about my fear of death, my fear of being too attached and not being able to let go, my fear that i am going to have to watch everyone i care about die and then at 7:12 am my cat lays down at my feet and dies... and there's not a damn thing i can do.

helpless... completely and utterly helpless... no soothing words came to mind. my body froze so i couldn't even reach down to pet or comfort him... nothing...

i'm sorry, scrams. i didn't know what to do... i didn't know how to help. but i love you even if i couldn't express it then.

RIP Scramtana. I'll stick my entire head in Brooks' cup for you tonight... I miss you, kitty most gritty

First Snow

Today was the first "real" snow of the winter and it was beautiful. Being in school has its benefits because me and my friends ran around and threw snow at each other like we had lost our damn minds. It was cool because most of them had never seen snow before. Of course i had to field the usual "DC sux when it comes to snow" comments, but i explained as best i could and kept it moving. People from up north will always have something to say about how DC sux so i'm not concerned.

In other news the reception is a little over a week away. I think i invited everyone i know and most of them have said they will be there. I just want everyone to have fun and relax and enjoy themselves. It's not supposed to snow next week so i'm hoping travel won't be an issue for folks.

Tomorrow I become the owner (kinda) of a new car. My old car is basically dead. It still runs but it has some stuff wrong with it that would be foolish to fix. So me, the parents, and the husband will trudge out in the slush to pick out my new baby. I can't lie, i'm very excited. Out of all the cars I've had (this'll be the 6th), this is the first one that i'm actually choosing. Hopefully everything will run smoothly and i won't have to go thru the song and dance at the dealer where he tells me one price, brings out the finance manager, they play good cop/bad cop, we threaten to walk out, they stop us, repeat ad nauseum... have too much other stuff to worry about. They have one time to talk stupid and off we go to the next dealer.

I sent out approximately 100 resumes to "potential employers". Everyone that i talk to tells me how thousands of people are applying to law firms and how it really isn't expected that you get a gig your first summer, but the idea of making $2500 a week has me tryin hard as hell to get one. Thus far i've gotten a bunch of "thanks but we can't consider you"s, 1 "you're not what we're looking for", 1 "send us your transcript," and 1 "we'll contact you when we begin interviewing". Hopefully SOMETHING will pan out. I want to at least make it to an interview, that way even if i don't get the gig, I'll know what to expect next year when employers will be more open to a second year student.

How did I get here?

I never wanted to be *this* person... bickering with a teacher over an A instead of an A-. I guess to a certain degree its a good thing. I mean it shows (1) that i'm capable of making an A- and (2) that i'm not settling for the A- and I'm trying to get what i'm entitled to get.

My other grades are decent. Actually my other grades are good. I think that they adequately reflect the time and effort I exerted. Could they be better? Well of course. I mean, until i have a 4.0 I can always improve. But this is a bit bigger than that for me. I had a lot riding on the whole law school thing. Finishing first semester is a sense of accomplishment and I'm not going to lose sight of that over the difference between an A and an A-. Either way I've made a huge stride... this semester, I'm just gonna do that much more.

Black People

**disclaimer**
this is probably going to end up being a "woe is me post" and i apologize in advance but i got some shit on my mind...

So i'm planning this reception thingy... and I mailed approx 80 invitations. Some i didn't expect to get back. Some were sent to my mom's friends who i don't know. But most were sent to ppl that i figured would want to come or would at least be happy to hear i was married. To date i have gotten about 20 rsvps. Now, i know that i asked people to rsvp by Jan 8th and it isn't the 8th yet, but i mean, if you know you're coming.. what's the hold up. I guess i am afraid that no one will come. Takes me back to my 16th bday party. My mother INSISTED that i have a sort of sweet sixteen everybody dress up and excercise exception ettiquette party. If you know me then you know that i dont dress up so the idea that i had friends that do was farfetched, but she insisted... the result? lackluster turnout...

Since then i've gotten more popular (*pats self on back*) but i am still always afraid that the unpopular girl will rear her little head and wind up embarrassed. I think that's why i shield myself from people and exhibit antisocial behavior... it's easier for me to hide. The truth is I'm not happy with myself... damn typing that brought a tear to my eye. I'm not happy with my weight, i'm not happy with my hair (although it looks damned good today), i'm not happy with my wardrobe, etc.

I don't mean any of this in a whiny way. I'm blessed because i have people that are supportive and genuinely love me for who i am, but i can't help but think that i am selling myself short. Sometimes i wonder what my life would be like if i had more female friends... There are quite a few females in my life that i wish i could be closer with but making friends with chicks has never been my strong suit. It's always been awkward for me. Either i develop crushes on them (no homo?) or i constantly compare myself to them and feel inadequate.. either way i tend to end up separating myself from them and never really put the effort into the frinedship. I guess this would be a good transition into my plans for the new year.

I don't really do "resolutions" cuz i can't stick to them, but there are things i want and need to work on and no time like the present to start working on that.

The first is my overall health... mental and physical. I'm poised to do so much and accomplish so many things that I need to get my mind and body straight. I was tryna decide which was more important (mind or body) but to be honest, it's equal. One means nothing without the other so i'm tryna eat healthy and be mentally healthy. Hopefully I'll meet some ugly chicks i can hang out with so I don't get all weird around them. I need to explore that further cuz as a married woman i probably shouldn't be having crushes on chicks although i'm sure *he* wouldn't mind....

and that brings me to something else.... lesbians and dudes.
i'll admit i thought about being gay for a minute and would probably qualify as bisexual in some people's eyes but i don't understand why guys think that if a chick likes chicks, he's gonna get some 3some action? And why in the hell do rappers make references to the lesbians they like and wanna get with? if she's a lesbian she isn't checkin for you doggie... sorry

But anyway... this is my time to be truthful so hopefully i won't get too many strange looks from people that i know that read this.

peace and RSVP, bitches!

Funniest New Year text message i got: Happy Easter, bitches.
that shit had me rollin.

Catch-Up Time

sooo let's see... oh yeah
I'm married :)
The ceremony was really nice, even though i punked out and cried... I had talked a lot of shit too about how i wasn't gonna cry... but i mean i cry at anything so this wasn't a real surprise. There's a lot i could say about the ceremony, but i think i wanna leave that between me and him. It was lots of fun though.

We also did pretty well in Vegas... Casino War is my SHIT! That and BlackJack... I need to go to Vegas with some real money and see how good i really am. Either way a $500 profit is nothing to be mad about.

I'm a little pissed because i *should* be working right now, lawd knows i need the money. But I'm sitting here waiting for them to call me... BASTARDS.

That's about it for now... I'll try to update more over the course of the week

So Much to Say...

I don't even know where to begin but this entry will be filled with random rantings in no particular order... you have been warned

1. My nephew arrived in DC on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Now *that* is something to be thankful for

2. FINALSFINALSFINALSFINALSFINALS... finals are upon me and i am officially caught up in the madness... but in a good way. I realize that i will need to do things VERY differently next semester, but for now i'm just pushing thru the end of this one

3. I get married in 2.5 weeks. I can't even put into words how happy that makes me

4. I recently had an hour long convo with a really good friend and it truly made me smile. She's happy and i'm happy for her.

5. I really need to contact this certain female about some candles before she murders me... wine and white, rose scented... call me or i'll call you :)

Ok that's it for now.

What's the Matter w/ Kids these days?

A family member who will remain unnamed called me two days ago to share some lovely news... she's gonna move in with her SO... I hung up on her.

She called me back and tried to justify it so i hung up on her again. I mean damn... I make enough mistakes for the entire family but they don't/won't learn from me. But such is life... Like i told my boy today: they just don't hear me

Ouch

my entire body aches.

Yesterday I decided to "surprise" B with my progress on the new apt... :-/

I moved the sofa... three bookcases, entertainment center... it was HELLISH and you can't tell i did shit. Last night i sat down and put together some picture stuff and left it at that. It's actually starting to come together though... just slllooooowwwlllyyy

The apt itself is actually very charming (imo). We can see the sun rise from any of the windows or balcony, the kitchen has tons of counterspace, i played pool for free last night... I need to have some sort of get together. Yesterday B and I were talking about the possibility of trying to move to a new apartment because of the trains (we're above the subway). But it turns out we both like the sound... check with me in a month to see how i feel about it.

This past weekend was HECTIC and we could not have done it without Sha Couric, Chandra, Seth, Frank, and Nate. Them niggaz look out for real and we both really appreciate that shit.

I feel like we moved everything in the damn world. and it's all sitting in the middle of the floor. I'll get it done though... shit i have no choice!!!!

200th Post

I figured that my 200th entry should be something special...

sooooo... *looks around nervously*

yeah, i think i'mma hold off until #300 for the special post.

At any rate, today is the day i begin my fast. i must admit that i am a bit nervous about it. I invited a bunch of Okayplayers to join me and the last thing i want to do is to let them down. You can check our progress at http://okpfast.blogspot.com

But even more important are my personal reasons for doing it. Like i said before, this is the only way that i can think of to show my love and support for my nephew right now. I pray that he is granted amnesty and allowed to return home. I also pray that his wife is able to join him wherever he decides he wants to be.

Peace and Blessings to all of you during the holy month of Ramadan. I wish all of you peace of mind and spirit.

Sick

i get sick of costing people money. I tell myself that one day i'll be self sufficient and i won't have to ask for anything... but right now... I feel like shit. Although i'm looking forward to the move, the fact that i don't really have much to contribute right now means that i'll be walking on egg shells until about January... how's that for a start to married life?

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Ok... sooooo

The lady got approved for the apt. Which means that all i need to do is be outta here by 10/22... *looks at calendar*

The folks at the dress place just called and told me my dress is ready for pickup so Leena and i are gonna go pick it up sometime this weekend *cheese grin*

School made sense to me today and i'm working towards actually keeping that going

I'm supposed to be getting ready for my fast but who knows how that's gonna go....

3 outta 4 ain't bad!

Bits and Pieces

The lady that came to see my apartment submitted her application on Saturday and I should have an answer by Monday. I hope and pray that she will be approved and that I won't be required to pay the $3500 "move out fee".

My nephew is a genius... just like his aunt. It's actually scary how much he and i have in common... tons of talent and little desire to put any effort into any of it. At any rate he got a 1260 on his SAT (he's retaking it because he wants to do better) and he's applying to colleges. I'm positive he'll get a free ride somewhere and i hope he makes the most of it.

My family is also very pissed at me. The idea that is circulating is that I don't want them to come to the wedding. I tried to be logical and explain that they don't have the money to come to the wedding. I tried to be selfish and explain that i don't have the money to have the wedding here. I try to be diplomatic and explain that everyone is invited to the reception. They're not hearing any of it. I'm upset because of the amount of guilt they're putting on me and sometimes i get very vindictive and think that i shouldn't have told them anyway. But i know they are my fam and that they love me and that's the only reason why they're upset so i deal with it.

When i talked to my mom a couple of weeks ago she told me that in Saudi Arabia they sometimes let prisoners go during Ramadan and that my nephew might be one of those granted amnesty. I sincerely hope and pray that that is the case. In response to that news, i decided to do a 7 day juice and water fast and then the traditional fast for the rest of Ramadan. It was the only way that i could think of to be close to him so i decided to try it out. I have also invited some other people to join me so we'll see what happens.

*Cough Hack Sneeze*

So yeah... I'm sick. My head feels like two ppl are squeezing it into oblivion. I'm extra pissed about it too because the reality of it is that i am about to knock down my whole section... 93 people... struck down because i can't miss class. I need to read up on colds... cuz there's no reason i should have one. I protected myself as best i knew how and yet here i am... eyes watering, stuffy nose, coughing, sneezing etc etc.

In other news i was able to show my apartment yesterday. The lady seemed really interested... in fact those were her actual words. She said she'd let me know by tomorrow so hopefully she'll take it. I liked her a lot too. She was extra sex and super smart.

This weekend i get to go buy some boxes and begin... THE PROCESS. I really need to force some folks to help me because I know i won't have the energy to move in two weeks.

C'est la vie...

My fingers are crossed

Things seem to be coming together. We went and signed the paperwork for the apartment this weekend. It's so beautiful. I hope it proves to be a good first "home" for us. It's the first thing that we've officially done together (as in on paper and legally) and it's very exciting to being something together. The only thing freakin me out is that we're on the 12th floor, but he's into highrises so i guess it'll be ok :)
The only things we have left to do is buy the rings and get the invitations and the nervousness is officially setting in... but in a good way. We're addressing the "serious" issues and establishing the basis for the rest of our lives together. My mom is HILARIOUS about the whole thing too, but her and my dad have made it very clear that they are extremely happy for me.

In less mushy news, I am going to have to pack up soon for like my 3rd time in a year... NOT COOL. But at least i'll get to be settled for a couple years.

The Dress

I found the dress today and it's beautiful. I was almost sorry that no one would see me in it, but then I remembered why we were doing things this way and it made it all worth it. I'm not really big on dresses or frilly stuff, but i like this one a lot. I'll have it one for approx 45 min and then be done with it... even i can do that.

The Redskins suck

I'm too angry/tired to really say anthing else but you would think they coulda won the game for me since this is probably the only one that my fam will EVER let me go to. That's ok cuz in like 7 years my name should be up on the waiting list. (insert sarcastic "woo hoo" here).

In other news I'm breaking my first lease at the end of this week and then i will get to move... again. Although I'm happy to be moving back in with Brooks, I'm not looking forward to the move.

I guess that's about it for now.

Sinking

I'm going down. slowly but surely. but i feel it.

The depression is creeping back in, the hopelessness is knocking at my door and the anxiety is climbing on my back. At this point in time, everything makes me cry. The truth of the matter is that i am unstable. I have a feeling that as soon as i sit in my counselor's chair this afternoon, i will break down and cry. I hate it when i get like this because i can't figure out why I get like this. The thing that makes it all so complex is that I honestly don't know who to turn to.

I think that being black and suffering from mental illness is the worst possible thing in America. There is some misconception that being "crazy" is some white ppl shit... or some type of weakness. As a result ppl pass judgment, tell you stupid shit like "it'll pass" or just make fun of you. I kinda think of it like if someone has cancer and you treat them like they're making that shit up.

It has taken me a long time to truly admit that i am sick. I have been sick probably since high school. It started with low self esteem which turned into depression in college. I lost 35 lbs in college because i just stopped eating. I got a little bit better when i came home in 97 but i really never let go of any of that hurt. my illness has resurfaced on numerous occassions and in many different forms but i would say that after 9/11 it all came to a head and started rapidly declining.

By all accounts i suffer from post traumatic stress dissorder as a result of what happened on 9/11 combined with my abusive relationship. That's quite possible because i know i haven't been the same since either of those events. I'm afraid of almost everything although i hide it fairly well. I'm compulsive and tend to act without thinking. I want people to like me so badly that i don't stand up for myself when i need to. I let people get away with things i shouldn't and a million other things all because I'm afraid of what they will think of me.

But i'm seeking help and i hope it will work. I just worry about those black folks that don't seek help because they think it makes them weak. I see traces of mental illness in so many ppl that i know and i worry. As a group, the people i know have such heavy burdens that i just wish they would seek some sort of help.

I'm rambling but i guess it makes sense to me.

Take care and please, pray for me.

Blue Tuesday

Sometimes i just want to curl up and cry. This might be one of those nights.

I don't really want to get into any details because i dont have the energy to type it all out but i'm sure i'll be poppin the blue pill tomorrow.

That's all for now.

I'm Tired Again

So far i've received the invitation samples, the ring information and reserved the chapel. That would mean that i'm almost there... but that just isn't the case. There are still a million things that need to be done and that pesky etiquette crap keeps coming up... mail this X# of days before that.. blah blah blah. I don't care about that stuff. Gimme a list of email addresses and I'd be straight.

Things are still managing to come together though and I'm happy about it. He was actually more into it than i thought he would be. He actually called me today with questions about it so that was pretty cool.

Other than that i went to the doctor last Friday and let him pick my brain. I like him a lot better than my other psychiatrist and psychologist. He asked the type of questions that i think would help him evaluate me and made sure that i was able to say everything that i needed to say. From here i just have to wait for them to assign my case to someone and start my counseling as soon as possible.

I guess the best way to sum it up is that things are very hectic but still fun.