The Trouble with Being Myself

The problem is nobody likes me. They like the person they think i should be, they like the person that bends over backwards to help them, but "me", I get on people's nerves and need constant attention. I know why... I played second fiddle since my freshman year of high school... never had too many of my own friends, and even in those circles i was more of a sidekick that set up jokes or made jokes at my own expense. Since birth everyone always wanted to watch me do something. She's so smart - listen to her, she's so cute - watch her, she's in a play - everyone go to it, she's got a dance recital - bring out the troops. The truth of the matter is that in my home life, it has always been about me and in my dealings with my peers, it's rarely about me. For the most part i don't seek the spotlight. There is a select group of my friends that I ask (DEMAND) attention from, to be sure, but that's really about it. I don't seek praise at work, always wanted to be behind the scenes on radio, never "dressed to impressed", danced on tables, or even spoke loud to be seen (episodes of drunkeness don't count)... but for whatever reason I'm just not likable.


To a certain degree it bothers me, because i mean, who doesn't want to be liked. But at the same time it pisses me off. I mean the truth of the matter is I shouldn't ask questions if i don't want to know the answer. I'm quickly learning that.

*SIGH*

Well the studying is still going fairly well. I'm consistently getting in the range that i wanted... but the score keeps going down. i'm not really sure if it's the fact that I'm not simulating the conditions well enough or the fact that some things I just don't know. The good thing is that I am actually "getting" the difficult parts of the test. The logic games are starting to make sense to me and that feels good. But there are still some things that I am unsure of. Tonight will be the lock myself in my room and study all night session.

Life has taken an interesting turn for me lately. Spending the last two years living with Brooks taught me a lot about myself... and moving out with two roommates has taught me a lot more. I hated how quiet the house would be when i lived with Brooks, i hated not having anyone to talk to when he didn't have anything to say to me. With my roommates i always have someone to talk to. The problem is, the moody side of me doesn't always feel like talking. One thing that is hard for me to adjust to is how loud it can be with three people in the house. Granted i do my fair share of yelling and acting crazy, but sometimes i just wish everyone would be quiet. I've never really lived with "loud" people before. even when Ronnie (crackhead) and his 6 friends were at the house it was never particularly loud. I definitely feel out of my element.

For awhile i wasn't sure why i felt that way, either. My cats tipped me off to it believe it or not. When I brought them to the house, they were miserable. They aren't used to people raising their voices either and so everytime someone would yell, they'd jump. Seeing how often they jumped made me realize just how noisy it was.

Talking to my psychologist yesterday made me think about a lot of stuff too. I think that now that the Ritalin is kicking in, she's ready to move onto the other aspects of my life, particularly marriage and my future. I don't have as much anxiety as i did before, not sure if that has to do with being able to focus or not, but I think that i have a lot of issues from my childhood to work through.

The more things change...

Well let's see. I am now on double the amount of Ritalin that i was on when I first started. Actually that's not a lot. I'm currently taking 10mg a day (5mg two times) and enjoying the "benefits" of clear thinking and having a sense of direction. They cancelled my LSAT this past weekend due to snow and I'm pissed off about that. Hopefully they'll reschedule it to sometime soon so that I can get my grades to these schools and hear back from them. I think the anticipation might be worse than having to do all those essays.

I just hope tht some school, somewhere not only wants me, but wants me bad enough to give me money...

In other news... Oh yeah there isn't any other news. I hate this time of year. It makes me think about the things i miss. I wish my nephew wasn't in Saudia Arabia. I wish Jay wasn't dead, I wish my brother was still alive... I just wish that I didn't feel so abandoned. But 'tis the season to be jolly... so time to put on my happy face... boost myself on Ritalin and pray for the safety of those i care about.

D'Evils

The thought of losing a friend terrifies me.

People

Sometimes, youjust have to live your life for you and stop worrying about making people happy. You can't be nice to everyone, you can't make everyone happy, you can't make everyone like you and you can't make everyone like the choices you make. That's life. You make some really good friends along the way, you meet some real shitheads and the others just get lost in the crowd.

The people that you thought were wonderful turn out to be real dickheads and the ones you couldn't stand could end up being your best friends. It's just that simple. The thing is, I'm good at judging people. I just choose to ignore myself more often than not.

The Realest Shit I Ever Wrote

Sometimes we find ourselves in situations that we thought we would be able to deal with, only to later find out that we are really an outcast or an outsider. This can be expecially true when you relocate or join up/meet a new group of already established friends. Always remember that you are the outsider and that their loyalties really aren't to you. I need to start keeping to myself.

I have started my Ritalin induced study plan... I sincerely hope it will affect my performance on the LSAT. I think this is my last "real" venture in the school arena and I want to make something of it.

I am also finding myself slipping back into some bad habits of my past that I would like to curb. In college i realized that i got satisfaction by expressing internal pain externally. As a result, by the time I graduated i had 10 tattoos and 5 piercings. Each tells a story or has some level of significance for me. I think it's a carry over from grade school. That's when i started "cutting". Looking back on it i think i should be appalled at the thought of going at my body with a razor blade but at the time it made sense. I went back to it in 1994 when i couldn't afford tattoos/piercings. There is something very therapeutic about it, although it is extremely unhealthy. My scars have pretty much faded and those that remain i lie about. But after a lot of thought and a lot of frustration, I decided to get my tongue re-pierced.

The whole process is painful in such a subtle way that it's perfect. Walk into to a tattoo place and you are immediately overwhelmed with images lining the walls.... beautiful women, devilish leprechauns, swastikas, red black and green flags, you name it, they'll do it. Strike up a conversation with a person covered in ink and metal, some intriguing, some grotesque. Pay your money and follow them to "the back". The room is set up to look like a doctors office... kind of; which is painful in itself. She lays out the materials like a doctor preparing for surgery. The rush of the needle going through my tongue follwed by the slight light headed feeling brings all my pain to the surface... and then subsides, leaving me with a strange sense of calm.

I've never put that into words before. People ask why, i have my "other" reasons. I do legitimately have an oral fixation and this does help me not to chew on pencils, pens, plastic bottle caps, etc. I am a freak and i know it can be used for sexual pleasure, i'm not above that either. But in reality, i am a sad, scared, lonely 27 year old woman that is unable to cope with a lot of the pressures of everyday life, and so i purposely inflict external pain on myself to ease the internal pain that i deal with.

Is this thing on?

Well.. Let's see. Ok so I took the LSAT :-/ and I'll be taking it again in December. My score was SO mediocre I wanted to strangle myself. Lately I'm starting to wonder whether or not I am just mediocre.

In other news... I have been taking Ritalin for about 4 days now. It's a very strange thing. Brooks says that my driving is MUCH better when i take it, and I feel much more in control of my feelings, but i mean, it's drugs. I can only imagine what it's doing to my insides.
Well I can't really think of anything else to say... i'll be back after i take the Ritalin to get everything I'm forgetting out on paper... err i mean out on the screen?