Positivity


Contrary to popular belief, I am NOT a pessimist! I think that my outlook on life is generally positive :) It's funny how people who have to defend themselves from being called pessimists usually refer to themselves as "realists." Here's my take on the situation. A realist is someone who sees things the way they "are" but doesn't acknowledge the fact that positive thinking could change that "reality" very quickly.


I think that I am stuck in a rut (like I haven't been saying that for 6 years). I spend too much time surrounded by people that don't want to change their realities. They are content to walk down the same path and make the same mistakes.

In my opinion, it's one thing to be ignorant, it's completely different when the truth is right in front of you and you choose not to acknowledge it. People continue to walk around with blinders on, purposely ignoring what is going on in the world and how it affects them. These people FRIGHTEN me.

It's time for everyone (even the "realists") to wake up and see what's really going on out there. Pick up a book, a newspaper, something! Figure out what's going on so you can make real decisions. Question things once in awhile, the government, religion, yourself . The mindless sheep mentality is getting old quickly and it's leading this country straight into the ground.

I think that one of my biggest problems is that I give things too much thought. I have been seriously looking into the whole move to the west coast. Yesterday two things occured to me. The first is that when I leave for California, it will probably be the last time I see my dad and possibly my mom. That's so morbid isn't it? But I know it's true. The thought of losing them scares me but the thought of not being close if something were to happen is even worse. I wish I could learn to accept death.I guess one day I will have no choice, but I hate the fact that I am so preoccupied with it that I am not able to focus on the "good". The other thing that occurred to be, is that getting married is going to be a nightmare if we move. I have no doubt in my mind that it can be done, but the idea of planning something from thousands of miles away is intimidating to say the least.

I'm back... and I chickened out. I never made it to see my family in LA. Which is actually fine with me. It would have been one of those extremely awkward occurances where people that haven't seen each other in ages, and don't necessarily like one another, sit around and make small talk until someone says, "well look at the time" and makes an excuse to bounce. NOT my cup of tea.

We decided that after losing all our money in Vegas, we'd be content to just sit around with some new-found friends and enjoy ourselves. After having to be dragged to the airport and some pretty serious conversations, we've decided to start looking into schools on the west coast. The problem we're having now is LA vs. San Francisco. I think I need to plan a trip to San Fran ASAP so that I can make my point convincingly. I think I'll miss DC but I need to get out of here. Too dark and gloomy, give me sunshine and happy people ANY day!

I predict that the next three weeks will be a complete blur for me and I can't be happier. This weekend we're going to see the Roots, IN PHILLY of all places. That's a huge deal to me because it's something I've wanted to do for awhile now and it's finally a reality. In addition to that next Friday I leave for Vegas and Los Angeles. I can't think of two places better suited to help me stop taking life so seriously. Hopefully, I'll get to see my family that I haven't seen in ages and prove to them that I am in fact black.

I know that probably sounds strange but i haven't been there since i was about 6. As a child my parents always stressed to importance of proper grammar and communication. To that portion of my family I talked "white". They took that to mean that I (at 6 years old) thought I was better than them. My aunt at one point told my mother to take me home and bring me back when I was black. I think that I might now be black enough. We'll see though...

Things in my life are starting to pick up... sort of. I'm still stuck at my job but at least I am looking forward to my trip next month. I wish i could say that i've had some sort of revelation about the meaning of life or something like that ... but no such luck. i will say that i have a sort of new resolution that I am working towards. I've been hearing alot lately about the possible complications of being overweight (no it is not the first time i have heard this - it's just starting to hit closer to home). I've decided that i really need to do something about it and my first step is a nutritionist. The thought of that absolutely freaks me out, but i can't seem to figure out why. I guess i always worry that doctors will judge me or look down on me. I guess if that's the case, i need a new doctor?
Nevertheless, tomorrow i make my first appointment and start my goal of losing 50 pounds. That part scares me too. I mean not so much the number, but the thought of all that I stand to lose if i fail.
Sometimes i think about how great life will be when i lose the weight. Heads will turn again. Clothes will fit right! Ultimately, people will treat me differently. But is that what i want? I mean if suddenly my boyfriend wants to go to clubs with me or take me out to dinner how should that make me feel? Was i not good enough before? why am i a different person now? One thing is for sure, i need to make sure that i take care of me and make sure that i stay healthy, regardless of what everyone else says or does.

Two weeks into the semester and somehow I have already managed to fall behind. I'm not sure if this is a general lack of motivation or a resentment towards my school. I have been somewhat skeptical of the level of education that i had been receiving. I even went so far as to purposely try to fail a class to see if it could be done. (It worked thank goodness!) This time around the teachers seem to have a purpose but one can never be too sure. At any rate I have failed to complete two assignments already and not having a printer at home is only giving me more of an excuse not to keep up. I guess i really need to suck it up and push through this because i really do want this degree.

I spent Saturday afternoon listening to my parents discuss their funeral arrangements and how they'd like to have things handled. Call me selfish but it really pissed me off. I have always had issue with my parents having me so late in life. I always felt like i had been cheated out of normalcy because they were so much older. Sitting there listening to them plan this and that infuriated me. I felt like my brother and sisters all had it better than me because they got to have more time with them. I know it's selfish but i wouldn't be being honest if i didn't acknowledge the feeling. I guess it's something that i need to overcome.

Well Happy New Year!

It seems to be going ok so far. Actually that's not exactly true. My new year started off sort of rough.. turbulent even. I went through a period of time where i couldn't seem to get ahold of anything! I mean I was just out of control... frustrated... angry... you name it. TONS of negativity. That seems to have passed somewhat but even now I still feel a bit on edge. Not really sure why though. I haven't heard anyone else mention anything similar so I guess it's just me.

School started recently and that seems like it's going to be ok this semester. Teachers seem like they might actually teach me something which is refreshing since I haven't had much of a challenge since I started there. I mean it's nice to have a great GPA but a bit of knowledge would be nice as well.

2003 is going to be all about focusing on my goals. Which would be fine if I knew what they were. I think that the ones that are obvious will be easiest... get a house, finish school... but the less tangible ones will be a lot more difficult - find a career, get a good paying job... things like that won't be so easy.

I'm also going to work on getting some more friends and being more independent. I feel like I am slowly but surely tightening a noose around brooks' neck and I don't think it's much fun for either of us...so i will try to give him more space.

Needless to say, this should be an interesting year.