Do people miss me when I don't blog? I think I was on Jeff's page where I was reading that sometimes a blog can get so addictive that you find yourself almost missing someone when they don't blog. I guess I feel like I'm letting people down when I don't. I think that there are about 5 people that actually read this thing and I try my best to keep them posted on my life....

What kinds of people blog? I don't mean that in a condescending way or anything, I'm just genuinely curious. I mean I know who I am and why I choose to put my thoughts here, but what about everyone else. I think that more people should do it, I think that EVERYONE should. LOL

This long weekend was exactly what I needed. I spent quite a bit of quality time with my boyfriend and we had a blast just enjoying each other's company. Well I did, he might be absolutely sick of me by now but ahhh well. When I decided to start this blog, I said that this would be only about me and if someone else made their way into it it would be because of something that had to do with me. I also said that I would keep extremely personal stuff out or at least avoid the specifics, so I guess that sometimes I worry that I am not being completely honest. I mean I talk about how great things are between my boyfriend and I but when the bad times come up I disappear. Although I have nothing right now I must tell the truth, WE FIGHT LIKE CATS AND DOGS!!!! But that doesn't bother me. See I think a lot of people think that arguing in a relationship is bad. I don't think that's necessarily the case, I think it has more to do with the nature of the argument and how it's resolved.

There are those people who would rather keep their feelings to themselves for fear of upsetting their partner, there are those who would rather not argue for fear of losing their partner. To me that is absolutely RIDICULOUS. I mean if you aren't comfortable expressing yourself to the person you are with, isn't it time to figure something out or to move on?

Day 2

Of my job that is and to be honest I really think that I will like it there. The stuff that I have learned so far is actually pretty interesting and best of all I have a sense of purpose... I mean I'm needed. That's definitely a change from my old job. Where I was barely recognized much less needed.

That reminds me, can someone please explain racism and sexism to me? I mean what in the hell is that really about? I mean there are a lot of things that rub me the wrong way, but this one is especially bad because I just don't get it. I guess that on the one hand it shouldn't be something that I want to understand but at the same time I feel like I HAVE to understand it or the world just won't make sense to me.

On a much scarier note, I think I am becoming paranoid. I mean I know that may seem strange for a person who opens up their lives and thoughts to strangers on the Internet, but I'm serious. I am really starting to be afraid of everything. Being alone in the house, being around people, walking down the street, driving, etc. I am 99.99% positive that it is a manifestation of something else, problem is I don't know what...

Me

A pretty deep conversation that I had with someone the other night made me realize some pretty important things about myself. The main thing is that I am a great big fraidy cat :(

I have fears of so many things that I ultimately have absolutely no control over. I think the thing that bothered me the most about it is that I have gotten so good at hiding these fears that it really irks me to see them surface. I am not quite sure how I should deal with these issues or how to overcome them but I know that it needs to be done.

Another thing that made me really give my life a lot of thought is the relationship that I am currently in. Most people who know me understand my issues in relationships and how my past has affected/warped that view. So now that I have a "good" thing, I think my biggest fear in the world is losing it. I know that it is natural to feel uneasy at times and to worry that a relationship won't last but my problem is that I don't seem to be able to enjoy the here and now without worrying about a future that may or may not happen and over which I have no control.

So I went to this show last night, and I was having the time of my life and things were going generally well. No 6'8" person had stood in front of me, no obnoxious drunks were spilling beer on me, my ex and my current boyfriend were getting along, it was great...
UNTIL
I'm not sure when the makeup of the crowd changed or when shit just went wrong but all of a sudden these kids (and I call them kids because they had the big NO DRINKING X on their hands) start acting a fool. Now I guess one of their grownup friends was sneaking them alcohol or something because they were obviously drunk. So all of a sudden they start doing the whole pushing thing. Which was cool at first because they were confined to their little kiddie area but of course it started to spill over and things start to escalate.

So the kids start yelling about how they're repping "Harlem World" and how no one can fuck with them. Now first and foremost let me explain some things. First of all, we're in DC. Second of all, of all the places I've been to in NY, Harlem doesn't particularly impress me. Third of all, this is a Kweli concert... you know conscious, thought-provoking, etc. The song that they were pushing each other to was Halftime by Nas who, Oh by the way, is from Queens. So these kids are repping Harlem to a song by a cat from Queens at a concert with a headliner that speaks out against these same ignorant assholes. On top of this, my man is really not the tolerant type so he's getting frustrated espeecially since he's from NY and not particularly impressed with Harlem either especially since it's pretty obvious that most of these kids wouldn't dare pull this shit in "Harlem World BABY".

Needless to say that pretty much put a damper on my night, but I still managed to have fun. I ran into quite a few folks that I know and of course I got to see one of my fave rappers. Hopefully this weekend will be somewhat productive, I have a lot of stuff to do and not a lot of time to do it...

You know the worst thing about two weeks notice? You spend two weeks bored out of your noggin trying to be helpful and realizing that most of your coworkers have become resentful and have marked you off the "be nice" list. So here I sit incredibly bored and trying to figure out what I can do to pass the time.

What about work? Why on Earth would i want to do that? I'll find something better than that I'm sure. I hope...

What a wonderful weekend. I had genuine fun. Nothing really spectacular, but just fun! I need more of that in my life. I definitely need to learn to let the stress go at the end of the week and move on to fun at 5pm on Friday's! I have decided that I really want to develop some sort of musical abilty which is probably going to be a little difficult at this point in my life but hey you don't know if you don't try. I think that watching my boyfriend play the guitar (or watching him teach himself to play) has made me painfully aware of the fact that I claim to be very artistic and creative but I'm not acting on that and that sucks. I think that the worst thing you can do is to let a gift or a talent go to waste.

At any rate I will be working on my piano playing abilities and I was told that by the time we turn 50 we'll have a blues band. I think that after 25 yrs or so of being together singing the blues shouldn't be much of a problem.

Me

I think I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what's wrong with me I was visiting Paige's Blog and some things struck a nerve with me. I realize that I spend a lot of time asking for and/or demanding attention. At first i used to go with the whole I'm just spoiled thing but is that really "acceptable"? I think that my problem is that I always expect people to give me what I give them whether it be attention, time, love or foot massages. Trouble is not everyone is me thank God so not everyone is going to do what I do and I can't judge them as "bad" because they aren't like me, that's not fair to them. I think that sometimes I set impossible standards for people because I have to feel like they don't like me... That sounds crazy but it's like my own self esteem issues make it hard for me to imagine that people like me, so I make sure they don't (thanks Paige for the insight). The question is how do you go from years of distrust and low self esteem to being able to understand that people do like you and that you don't have to constantly push them away?

I GOT THE JOB!
I guess I haven't been around much the last few days, but I've been kinda nervously waiting to hear about this job. I think have a bad habbit of "jinxing" myself out of things. The funny thing is that I have so much more faith in other people's powers than I do my own. I called Olga on Friday to tell her about the interview and she says "That's a very good thing," at that point I knew I had it. I know that sounds crazy but that's just how I am about some things. I feel like everyone is more in touch with their "psychic" side and I'm just going out on the first date with mine! At any rate I start my new job on the 20th of May so for now I will be the slave/lackey here for the next two weeks :(