Wednesday, September 29, 2004

The Dress

I found the dress today and it's beautiful. I was almost sorry that no one would see me in it, but then I remembered why we were doing things this way and it made it all worth it. I'm not really big on dresses or frilly stuff, but i like this one a lot. I'll have it one for approx 45 min and then be done with it... even i can do that.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

The Redskins suck

I'm too angry/tired to really say anthing else but you would think they coulda won the game for me since this is probably the only one that my fam will EVER let me go to. That's ok cuz in like 7 years my name should be up on the waiting list. (insert sarcastic "woo hoo" here).

In other news I'm breaking my first lease at the end of this week and then i will get to move... again. Although I'm happy to be moving back in with Brooks, I'm not looking forward to the move.

I guess that's about it for now.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Sinking

I'm going down. slowly but surely. but i feel it.

The depression is creeping back in, the hopelessness is knocking at my door and the anxiety is climbing on my back. At this point in time, everything makes me cry. The truth of the matter is that i am unstable. I have a feeling that as soon as i sit in my counselor's chair this afternoon, i will break down and cry. I hate it when i get like this because i can't figure out why I get like this. The thing that makes it all so complex is that I honestly don't know who to turn to.

I think that being black and suffering from mental illness is the worst possible thing in America. There is some misconception that being "crazy" is some white ppl shit... or some type of weakness. As a result ppl pass judgment, tell you stupid shit like "it'll pass" or just make fun of you. I kinda think of it like if someone has cancer and you treat them like they're making that shit up.

It has taken me a long time to truly admit that i am sick. I have been sick probably since high school. It started with low self esteem which turned into depression in college. I lost 35 lbs in college because i just stopped eating. I got a little bit better when i came home in 97 but i really never let go of any of that hurt. my illness has resurfaced on numerous occassions and in many different forms but i would say that after 9/11 it all came to a head and started rapidly declining.

By all accounts i suffer from post traumatic stress dissorder as a result of what happened on 9/11 combined with my abusive relationship. That's quite possible because i know i haven't been the same since either of those events. I'm afraid of almost everything although i hide it fairly well. I'm compulsive and tend to act without thinking. I want people to like me so badly that i don't stand up for myself when i need to. I let people get away with things i shouldn't and a million other things all because I'm afraid of what they will think of me.

But i'm seeking help and i hope it will work. I just worry about those black folks that don't seek help because they think it makes them weak. I see traces of mental illness in so many ppl that i know and i worry. As a group, the people i know have such heavy burdens that i just wish they would seek some sort of help.

I'm rambling but i guess it makes sense to me.

Take care and please, pray for me.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Blue Tuesday

Sometimes i just want to curl up and cry. This might be one of those nights.

I don't really want to get into any details because i dont have the energy to type it all out but i'm sure i'll be poppin the blue pill tomorrow.

That's all for now.

Monday, September 13, 2004

I'm Tired Again

So far i've received the invitation samples, the ring information and reserved the chapel. That would mean that i'm almost there... but that just isn't the case. There are still a million things that need to be done and that pesky etiquette crap keeps coming up... mail this X# of days before that.. blah blah blah. I don't care about that stuff. Gimme a list of email addresses and I'd be straight.

Things are still managing to come together though and I'm happy about it. He was actually more into it than i thought he would be. He actually called me today with questions about it so that was pretty cool.

Other than that i went to the doctor last Friday and let him pick my brain. I like him a lot better than my other psychiatrist and psychologist. He asked the type of questions that i think would help him evaluate me and made sure that i was able to say everything that i needed to say. From here i just have to wait for them to assign my case to someone and start my counseling as soon as possible.

I guess the best way to sum it up is that things are very hectic but still fun.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

I knew this day would come

i just didn't think it'd be this soon. I'm at the point where my two blogs are starting to come together. This means that apparently my life is starting to just revolve around school. I guess that's a good thing to a certain degree. I'm definitely stepping my game up and i know that's important. Making alliances and meeting people that i hope will play an important part of my law school career and the rest of my life. But i'll save that info for the other blog

In other news I go see the crazy doctor next week. Hopefully the process to getting them to prescribe my medication won't be a long and drawn out one. I also hope that the weekly meetings won't become burdensome. I also have an appointment next week with the Dean of Student Affairs (sounds scary huh?) It's not that big of a deal though. I need to talk with his office to discuss how school will change for me once i have a baby... (i'm still so detached from that thought but more on that later). But yeah I'm meeting with them to talk about going part-time if necessary or even taking a semester off.

I wouldn't give up being a woman for a million dollars but when it comes to juggling careers and pregnancy, that shit is ridiculously hard. I'm sure there are those that will question why i'm doing this now. I am perfectly aware that it will create an enormous strain on both of us. But right now we're like, "if not now, when?" Of course i could wait until i get out of school but at that point i'll be starting a career. As "family-oriented" as law firms claim to be, few would smile upon a woman having a child within her first year of working there. There is the option of waiting until i've been there a few years, but neither of us wants to put it off that long.

In case it isn't obvious, i'm still having trouble picturing me as a mom. I look at him, and i see exactly what type of father he will be: a leader, a role model, a mentor. He will definitely be the stabilizing force in the family. The logical one. Me? I'mma be the crazy scatterbrained mom. I'll be able to write down all the activities the kids participate in, but he'll be the one that actually remembers to pick them up. The idea of having a child is very intimidating to me. I come from a family full of amazing mothers. My mom and my two sisters have had their share of difficulties. But they handle it like it's second nature. I'm worried that my selfishness will interfere with my abilities.
The truth is, I like having him to myself. I like the quiet times on the couch, gigling in Adams Morgan, discussing the religions of the world until 3am. I've never met anyone that challenges me intellectually the way he does. With him, it's not condescending... everything is an opportunity to learn more and i love that he is able to share his knowledge with me and accept what i bring to the table as well. I don't feel like i've had him to myself since 2001. There was always school, work, my fuckin up... there was always something that acted as a barrier and i regret the fact that i needlessly added to that. I think of the times when it will be the 3 of us, learning and growing together, or the two of them spending time, and it makes me smile. I just know that it will also be important for us to not lose sight of who we are and the things that we enjoy doing as a couple.
Another truth is that i do legitimately have a drinking problem. That's scary as well. Being pregnant, going thru my first year of law school, and getting married.... That's a lot of stuff going on at once. i find myself turning to alcohol more and more frequently lately. A pitcher of margaritas here, 5 pina coladas there... I really do drink alot. I need to phase that out (or stop altogether) as soon as possible. I don't want anything to affect the health of my child.

wow... i've never really phrased it like that before
"my child"

That's something to think about for sure.
But enough with the sappy shit. That ain't me.

I'm bout to go finish this Chinese Food, brush my cats, and call it a well deserved night.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Update

There's been a slight (but HUGE) change in my plans... i'm not gonna get into here until after the fact but if you're cool with me (y'all know who you are) please please please make sure i have your phone number in the next couple weeks. I need to get in touch with you.

That being said... I am extremely excited.

I had a conversation yesterday with my mother about me getting married. I never realized how similar she and i were. she basically told me that i could get married whenever and wherever and she'd be fine with it. She said that she didn't even mind if she wasn't there. Then she went into how so many people get caught up with the location, the dress, the guestlist etc that they lose sight of what's really important. as she put it, "none of those things guarantee a good marriage and the absence of them doesn't condemn the marriage either"

and that brings me to today's family update

Momma
My mom is the strongest woman i know. There is no one on this earth that can compare to her. As the youngest of several sisters and brothers she took care of most of them before she was out of the 8th grade. My maternal grandmother died when my mom was young. Her father was extremely colorstruck and his "affectionate" nickname for my mother was "Blackie". By the time my mother was in the 6th grade, her father had become involved with another woman and basically put all the children out. So they moved from house to house with my mother usually assuming the role of protector and "mother".

After she married my father, my mother worked to maintain those titles. She stopped working for awhile to take care of my siblings and made sure that they had everything they needed. Of course i'm not talking about anything monetary because there's no real "wealth" anywhere in my family. But she was always there to help with homework, meet with teachers and be an all around responsible parent. My mother was always the "strong" one in her family and affection was not something that she specialized in. In fact it has only been recently that she has started to tell me that she loves me and to hug me. I think that this is the reason that it is hard for me to develop relationships with females. Affection from females makes me uncomfortable and nervous because it's not something i'm used to.

Although she is not affectionate, my mother has an infinite amount of compassion. And i get that trait from her. She puts any and everyone before herself. In some respects its a good thing, but oftentimes it leaves her tired and worn out. I wish that i was in a position to do more for her... to let her know that it is her time to fall back and let someone do something for her, but i'm still strugglin myself. I hope that sometime in the near future i am able to give back to her at least a fraction of what she has given to so many others.