Tuesday, February 24, 2004


Live and Learn


I take back what i said, no one has ever given me all that i have given them. I stand corrected.

Monday, February 23, 2004


Friendship


I think that a previous entry may have unnecessarily hurt someone that i care a lot about so i'd like to take a couple minutes to say some things about her that need to be said...

Leena is a saint... kinda... she's a saint like i'm a saint (he he). Leena has ridden shotgun in my life longer than anyone i know. Whether it be literally (I see you in that gray Cavalier and the Monte Carlo) or figuratively she's been there thru some pretty tough times and for that I am SINCERELY grateful. There are things that you probably don't think I remember but i do. i know who was there for me the day i found out Jay died and i know who laughed and joked with me about my mother's "you can't wear a strapless dress" comment. I remember who fought with me for our rights at Massanutten (we were just playing Monopoly!!) and who had to ride around in that van that smelled like a skunk! There have been bad times as well but please believe me when i say that i love you and that i always will.

We are travelling different paths right now but it seems like we are both acheiving the goals that we have set for ourselves and that's what's important. I know that sometimes I am a bit critical because you aren't doing the things that I think you should, and that's not fair. You've been doing a pretty good job at ignoring me though, and i think that's a skill that you've honed over the last 15 yrs :)

So here's to you, Leena!!! My third sister!

Thursday, February 19, 2004


Rejection

I got my first rejection letter yesterday from George Mason University. It didn't hurt. But I didn't really want to go there anyway... I can pretty much surmise that the fact that I got a rejection letter from them, there will be at least two others soon to follow.

I've also started a new perscription - 50mg of Zoloft for depression and anxiety. It's sort of a trial thing, but i can honestly say that as of 8:50am, I definitely feel the difference. The key is to address the underlying issues so i don't have to be a druggie all my life.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004


So Now...

So now i'm being chased... stalked if you will. It's laffable really.

LOL

In other news, I'm having a hard time keeping my friends at bay. There are some pretty strong sentiments towards certain individuals and it's all i can do to keep everyone calm and rational. I love those guys. It's nice to know that people care about me... even if they are a bit overzealous.

I got to play with kittens on Valentine's Day and that was pretty cool... i'm still pissed at Nate for the Applebee's incident, but since V-day is a day of love i'll forgive him. other than that the weekend was a blur. I did a whole lot of nothing, but it felt good. I also got to play with my babies and that was fun too. My cats have no damned sense and watching them run around, and even having them chase me is like therapy...

and speaking of therapy i get to go talk to the psychiatrist today. Him, my psychologist, the HR dept at my job and i are all supposed to sit down and try to work out a transfer. I need to be out of here ASAP. i'm tired of being here and i need to make moves before it's too late. The latest "development" is an eye tick... the shit just keeps jumping. I can't let shit drive me crazy like that! I was talking to my mom and brooks about the situation on saturday morning (minus the transfer part) and they agree that my happiness is most important. I need to get in touch with Olga so that i can set up shop out there... so much to do so little time. Well i'm sure my stalker is tired of reading, so I'll end this now.

*waves*

Monday, February 16, 2004


One (c) Metallica

I can't remember anything
Can't tell if this is true or dream
Deep down inside I feel to scream
This terrible silence stops in me

Now that the war is through with me
I'm waking up, I cannot see
That there is not much left of me
Nothing is real but pain now

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God, wake me

Back in the womb it's much too real
In pumps life that I must feel
But can't look forward to reveal
Look to the time when I'll live

Fed through the tube that sticks in me
Just like a wartime novelty
Tied to machines that make me be
Cut this life off from me

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God, wake me

Now the world is gone I'm just one
Oh God, help me
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God, help me

Darkness imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror
I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell

Landmine has taken my sight
Taken my speech
Taken my hearing
Taken my arms
Taken my legs
Taken my soul
Left me with life in hell

206 days down... 167 to go

*edit*
Not even worth it

Thursday, February 12, 2004


An Open Letter of Sorts


I believe that I will be moving this diary... i never wanted to feel like i had to censor my words on this page. I even issued disclaimers. I don't post things here in hopes of opening lines of communication. I don't put things here for people to get their feelings hurt over. I don't put things here so that i can be questioned or interrogated later on. Basically what this is is a journal... an opportunity for me to get out intimate thoughts that i need to get out. I am letting you be the ultimate voyeur... letting you peek into my life and letting you get a sense of what I'm going through... it's almost like i left the house and left it sitting open on the coffee table. I know it's there, but i don't expect to come home to see my pages highlighted and your notes in the margin...

I have been hurt by most of the folks that read this. I have been forced to answer to many people for your actions and the actions that i have taken as a result of your actions. I have been held accountable for your moves, your words, your promiscuity, your failures, and your shortcomings... but never your successes. I have been asked to stand up for each of you at some point, and other times i have done so willingly. I have loved each of you unconditionally and received deceit, betrayal, lies, love, joy, happiness, sadness, indifference, and a host of other things in return. I feel that there is only one of you that has consistently given me what i have given and to that person i say thank you... and in the even that he doesn't know who he is: Nate, thank you for everything.

But to all of you i will say this. I have been called on on more than one occassion to answer questions about your actions... i see why i wanted to major in PR because i am essential a PR agent to all of you. When you make posts about me or that have to do with something here, I get the calls, IMs, inboxes and emails from ppl wanting the inside scoop. When you don't call or make any attempts to get in touch with people, they call or email me... not for your number but to find out what's going on. Some are gossip hounds... looking for the negative... some are concerned family members... some are just curious... but few are ever concerned with me. So i field the questions like a good PR agent, "Oh she's just busy, but she asked about you the other day... I'm not sure why she hasn't called, but i know she misses you guys" .... "Well i'm not sure why he's mad, maybe you should ask him... yeah it hurt, but he can say whatever he likes... no i didn't see any need to retaliate"... "I think he's got a great future, just gotta get over these roadblocks... if you've got negative stuff to say, i'd prefer we don't talk" I get it weekly... and yet i move forward.

I have been held accountable for almost every negative thing that has happened to each of you since i have known you. Such and such is mad, what did you do? Why did you leave her? How could you let that happen? I play it off like it doesn't hurt... but it does. Because no matter what i say, my decision to protect you leaves me looking like the fool... what if i was honest once in awhile? "Why doesn't she call you? shit, i dunno... she doesn't even call me... how is she? hell if i know..." "He wrote it because he blames me for hurting his feelings... truth is he knew all along what he was getting into... was i misleading... probably... but shit happens"... "I don't know how long he'll be here... yeah he moves around alot... I guess he is broke" What would any of that solve? Who would be happy? Who would be hurt? The gossip hounds would get their fill... but what would my lashing out accomplish? Nothing.

If i've seemed cold the past day, week, month, year, decade... this is why... because i'm tired. I'm tired of being the one that has to be "mature". I'm tired of having to be the grown up and let shit slide. i'm tired of being blamed when shit goes wrong. I'm tired of losing friends as a result of your actions. I'm tired of doing all the listening. I'm tired of standing in the shadows while you shine. I'm tired of spending so much time helping, praying, listening, advising, driving, hugging, wiping away tears, making phone calls, writing letters and paying that i don't have time to do anything for myself. I have overextended myself on countless occassions for each of you... be it financial, emotional, or physically. On some occasions i get thank yous... sometimes i don't.... but let's get one thing clear... i do it all because i want to. not because you ask, not because you demand but because i love each of you and i would walk to the ends of the earth to see you all smile. That's what friendship is about. I have watched each of you grow in some way or another, some bad, but mostly good and i am proud of a lot of what i see. But as each of you grows and needs less and less from me i am starting to realize that my time left with you is slowly coming to an end.

I have always felt that people come into my life when they need something... and once they get whatever it is they need, they move on. And I'm glad that i have that gift... the ability to help is something i cherish and enjoy. my only question now is who am i supposed to turn to once everyone has moved on?

Wednesday, February 11, 2004


I dunno

I don't think they'll ever get it.

Anal


No, not that anal...

This law school thing is kicking my ass.. and that's an understatement. The truth is that there's really nothing i can do about it. I'm obsessing over it though. Last night i stayed up until about 1:30 completing this ranking system to figure out where to go to school I also put the finishing touches on this
. That gives you an idea of how much time and effort i'm putting into this... I keep thinking, "what if no more acceptances arrive". It would be a bit of a relief actually. I'll try to post more of my obsessive compulsive behaviors later...

Tuesday, February 10, 2004


Reaching Out

Sometimes reaching out for help doesn't help. People don't want to be bothered. So, i let them be.

Friday, February 06, 2004


Keep on Truckin'

Seems like things are finally starting to pick up. I have be blessed... and that is an understatement. I was accepted at Santa Clara Univ. the 9th ranked law school for intellectual property law.... and they offered me a $17,000 scholarship. I was floored. I cried... I have also been admitted at Loyola University in Chicago.

I can't even begin to explain how all of this makes me feel. I look back at the girl that everyone had given up on. The one that people ran away from and didn't bother to look back for. These acceptance letters have made me realize a lot of things about myself. It made me realize that it is truly time to stop doubting myself and push forward

My main concern right now is money. I need to stack some loot so that i will have money for living expenses. I also have some scholarships that i need to apply for....

I am truly amazed by all of this and i hope this trend continues.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004


Losing a Parent

I was having a talk with a close friend of mine last night. I was trying to be positive and share some thoughts on life that i picked up along the way over the past 28 years. I would say that i did a fairly decent job. When I went to lay down i started thinking of the things that i had told him and realized that a lot of those lessons were things i had learned from my parents.
To say that i am the black sheep of my family is an understatement. Everyone seems to have their place, but me. But my parents always told me that was ok and I love them for it. Yesterday my dad celebrated his 69th birthday. His health is failing, as is my mother's, and i know that they won't be around to celebrate too many more birthdays.

Sometimes i'm angry. I think about the years when they smoked and i begged them to stop. I think about the times my dad said that pork wouldn't kill him and then when his doctor said it would he still refused to take medicine for his high bloodpressure. I look at them and see who they are today and it is as if they are shells of their former selves. I hate that they might not be there to witness the birth of my first child or even my wedding day..

but most of all i'm grateful for everything that taught me and everything they have done for me.

I cannot imagine that it is ever easy to lose a parent, but it is easy to tell them how much you love and appreciate them while they are here.

No regrets.