You Know You're Right - Nirvana

I just have to get something off my chest... two things actually. Both should be obvious but they need to be said nevertheless

I exist...
That's right! I am right here. You can ignore me, you can look over my head, but I'm here. You can either deal with me or tell me you want me out of your life but I'm here.

Second...
God created me so that I could have my own opinion, my own words and my own mind and you best believe that i am going to speak it whenver i damn well please. You can hang up on me, delete my emails, put on headphones, close the door, walk away, hit me, or any other number of things, but you know what... As long as God allows me to live on this Earth, I will express myself.

One day i think i will sit down and count how much time I spend listening to people tell me shit i could give a shit about... but i listen, faithfully. I can be counted on to listen. I have fuckin ADD and can't concentrate damn near long enough to cook a meal, but I listen and what do i get... a bunch of shady ass muthafuckas in this world that think that the world is there's and when they say a convo is over, thats the end all and be all...

GTFOHWTBS

If 6 Was 9

I was under the impression that I accomplished nothing this weekend. But when I think about it, I actually got a ton of stuff done. I managed to finish my personal statement (which means that I've given up revising it and I'm just settling for what I have). I'm sure that once I put the last application in the mail, a million ideas will come to me about how the essay should have been done. Needless to say, I won't be happy about that, but such is life.

There are 13 days until i get my LSAT grades... :-/
I'm not really sure how I should feel about that part. I mean the money that I have shelled out so far tells me i better care about it. I just hope I don't have to go through and reselct schools to apply to based on my scores. That would kill what little motivation i have these days.

In other news, I have decided on a camera thanks to the persistence of my friend Dee. I am also thinking about not going to law school at all, studying photography and travelling the world taking pictures. Actually there aren't many places i want to go in the world. I'll just keep going to the 5 places i like and those will be my specialty. All i know is i need a vacation soon and it starting to take it's toll.

Crosstown Beef

Once again no correlation.. just the song I'm listening to...

So i think i am actually making progress. I found out that I didn't fail all my classes last semester like I thought... in fact I got Bs :-/

This poses an ethical problem for me. How in the hell do i make myself do work when I don't go to class, don't hand in assignments, and walk away with Bs. Brooks suggested I do some work and come out with As. My theory is that it would make my MBA look suspect. I went through High School and College making Bs and Cs. I never had a 3.0 EVER. To come out of grad school with a 4.0 would look like the grades were inflated... which of course they are, but everybody ain't got to know that. And so I have successfully justified being a slacker!

In other news, I am actually making progress on the law school application front. I have forced my way through my personal statement and yes it does suck. BUT, at least i have something to work with and i kow enough talented people that would help me to make it at least acceptable. I also signed up for the damn service that puts together your application materials and sends it to the schools for you, like I couldn't do that shit myself! $199... I don't have that kind of money to throw around, but supposedly it will be worth it. All i can say is these LSAT grades better be on point. I think i'm gonna just keep studying until I get my official score, that way i'll be making the most of my time (see i am smart).

On the Subject of Friends


Sometimes i wish that people would take a step back and realize the power of their words. That sticks and stones chant you say in grade school don't do shit in the real world. Words can, will, and do hurt, especially when they come from those that we care about. In high school and college I often felt very left out and alone because i felt that people didn't like me.

The truth of the matter is that I have always wanted people to like me. From the time i was little i wanted to make people laugh, smile, clap or do something to show me that they approved. Unfortunately, my family wasn't structured like that. There were few pats on the back... the "good jobs" were few and far between.. and the hugs and affection were almost nonexistent. As I grew up, i stopped looking to my family for these things. In grade school i was hardly ever home, weekends were spent at friends' houses... basking in the attention lavished upon me by their parents. By highschool the attention came from males who obviously had alterior motives.

Like most females, i didn't get along with other females. Most of the close female friends that i had betrayed me in one way or another over the years and that made that process even more difficult. And so I turned into a monster. I needed to be the center of attention. It was to the point that i even uttered phrases like "Look at me"... definitely a low point.

So here's the part where i talk about how i overcame this and how i feel so wonderful these days. Well the truth is, i'm not there yet. i am slowly but surely starting to head to the other end of the line. I've decided that rather than wanting attention and not getting it, it might be best to just stop wanting it. That way, when I don't get it, it won't hurt. But i know that that mindset is just as dangerous and I don't want to be at "that place" either...

Rollin wit the Lynch Mob

The title has nothing to do with anything... it's just the song i'm listening to...

So, the LSAT is behind me... I wrote my letter requesting/thanking folks for writting letters of recommendation. That task wasn't too horrendous, then i wrote my addendum stating the reason for my messed up grades between 1994 and 1997. That was a little bit more difficult... i mean on the one hand I wanted to be honest but at the same time I didn't want to sound like i was begging for sympathy. It was hard to say just enough without putting them all in my business, but i didn't want to downplay how messed up my situation was. It ended up something like: my grades sucked because I spent two years getting my ass beat and my self esteem shattered. I left for a minute and then decided that i had to go back. I went down there, went to see my abuser, told him how i felt and moved on with my life....

I usually try to block those memories but i really thought about it this weekend. In some ways that experience was the best thing that could have ever happened to me... I know that sounds so fucked up... but I mean it. I was at the lowest point in my life. Everyone had turned their backs on me with maybe two exceptions. I learned alot about myself and about other people. There are people out there that I will never trust behind that shit. And then there are the folks that I owe my life to because they gave me the strength to get out, places to stay, money, a shoulder to cry on, and most importantly unconditional, unjudgemental love.

Over the next week or so I need to work on my applications and make sure there are no essays I've overlooked... and i need to finish up my personal statement. Once that is done, I'll feel much better.

Stupid Test


Ok so... lets see... 5 sections... i don't think i finished ANY of them without rushing which is cool i guess. Of course there was the section where i had to guess the answers to approximately 6 questions :-/

I guess i should be all worried and broken up about it... but i'm really not. I mean on the one hand i want to know how i did but at the same time i can't stress it because at this point there is NOTHING i can do. if i'm not happy with the score i'll take it again in december

The thing that has meant the most to me is the folks that have taken a genuine interest in my success on the LSAT. i'm not really used to people being concerned with what's going on in my life so it's a little strange. But it's really nice to have them around.

Last Days

So I'm down to 24 hours... and I am feeling pretty damn nervous. I don't know why I'm doubting myself about this damn test. I don't usually get like this. I mean I've always loved these types of things... comparing my intelligence to everyone else in the country... I dunno it just seems like the best confidence booster. I really hope i do well.

I'm starting to realize how badly i want to go to law school. I think that sometimes i make it seem like it isn't a big deal because if i don't do well i want it to seem like it was no big deal.

Reactions will be posted sometime after 4pm on Saturday!

Another day


I still can't bring myself to study for this damn test. I'm cussing folks out at work. My parents think that I have some deep dark alcohol abuse problem.

The whole thing is kinda silly actually. I think i need to round all these folks up and say something brilliant like... I've been depressed since '89 people. Y'all need to wake up!


I have another doctors' appointment today. She's gonna ask me something foolish like, "so what did you decide you enjoy?" and I'm just gonna have to tell her i have no clue.


On a brighter note (pun intended) i think I might be able to get a guitar this weekend. If everything goes according to my plan.