So yeah it's my life


But that doesn't mean i want to live it.

Progress?



I guess progress is relative, but either way I think I've made some. The move is still on and it's starting to look up. I have looked at one place, going to see another house on Saturday. I also talked to a good friend of mine last night and remembered that he has a house up here that he's renting or selling depending on what the person is looking for. There are a few intricacies with that (namely the fact that someone already lives there) but he's letting me know if it would be a possibility.


All in all I feel really good about the move. I'm ready to spread my wings. But at the same time I constantly worry if i am doing the right thing.


On the ADD front... I went to a psychologist who has basically told me a few interesting things. The first is that I might not have ADD (the good news) however I might have anxiety or be depressed... or it could be ADD (he shitty news). At any rate I go back next week and she's going to see if i need medication. She also thinks that i might have a drinking problem (this is not news to me). She said I should quit for two weeks and focus on studying on the LSAT... I've gone thru a bottle of Khalua and a bottle of Vodka and haven't picked up a book.

I also have two new "issues" that I'm working on:

I was instructed that I should come up with some sort of reward system for myself. You know, study for an hour and then do "X" for an hours. So, my doctor says, "what do you like to do?" My answer? I don't know.

Plain and simple. I don't know what i like to do. Half the time I don't know who i am.

The second issue has to do with that 2yr detour my life took when I was in an abusive relationship... Why?
My family life was fairly stable. My parents have been together 47 yrs. They argue, but no more than "normal". I have never seen my father hit my mother, although he did spank us when we did wrong. Sometimes that may have crossed the line, but there was no "abuse". Sometimes i think that if i could figure that out, i may understand myself a lot better.

But for now... I need to get into studying...

?

I am at the point where i am forcing myself to write and that has got to be the scariest shit in the world. I don't think that i've ever had writer's block before, so I'm a little bit confused on how to handle this. Perhaps it's anxiety? Maybe it's a sign? All i know is that I don't like it and I want it to stop. I feel like i am going a million miles a minute. I sat down to write (as in pen and paper) what i was feeling and I was all over the place... unfocused, confused. My handwriting looked like I was 5. My life in general seems to be very unbalanced. I'm thinking i need to meditate, read, listen to music and just regroup. What i really need to do at this point in my life is finish something. I need to actually complete something. Something major (in other words not this blog entry).

Work is hell. It's hell because i can't finish anything. My solution? Don't do it. If i know i'm not doing it, I can't get frustrated when I don't accomplish it. Its when you try to do something and fail that it hurts, right? That's the worst attitude ever, and I know it, but it works.

I need to do some reading on adult ADD. Maybe that's my problem? I mean i'm really not used to this. The rambling, the general feeling of incompleteness. i think i'm having a breakdown and Lord knows i don't need that. i got applications to work on. I need to go start a project so that i can finish...


This is getting crazier by the second. i am going to go sit on the couch, love my cats, and relax for the rest of the evening. Tomorrow i will search out answers and try to become balanced.

Life



So I'm really moving out. At this point in time i have nowhere to go, no furniture, and no idea what will happen next. In a way I'm scared to death, but i need to do this. I'm tired of feeling like I'm headed nowhere and doing nothing. I want to go to law school, but I don't know why. I know ABSOLUTELY nothing right now. Things that I thought I felt, I'm not sure about. Things that I thought i knew, I don't.



I haven't felt this confused since the last time "he" beat my ass, kicked me in head and left me passed out on the floor. The physical pain isn't there, but it still hurts like hell.

DAYUM

I can't believe I haven't updated sooner...

So, since my last entry, I've been to Atlanta, Philly, and NY... realized that i love all of them, expanded my list of schools to apply to, and had a fun time doing it.


Most importantly, however, I finally met him! Him = Pete Rock...


I can't even put into words how happy i am about that one. I wish J had gone cuz he would have had a good time, but Brooks and I held it down and had a good time. I was mad as hell driving home at 4 in the am, but still, it was worth it.


Atlanta was amazing to say the least. I had a wonderful time. It was nice to get away for a bit. I'm thinking about travelling somewhere every other weekend. There's too much stuff I haven't seen to just sit in the house all the time.


Friday we went to a party in NYC. That was off the hook too! ?uest and BrainChild held shit tha fuck down! My only regret is that we didn't get there earlier and stay later, but not everyone can hang with me!